A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure if I am acting selfish and obsessive or if I'm acting as most girls would in regards to my current relationship.I have been dating my boyfriend since last summer. I had a boyfriend for 2 years before my current boyfriend, and we had broken up a month or so before I met my new guy.My boyfriend had a friend with benefits before he met me, and that relationship was still active until we were official. I got over that as he was honest and upfront before we actually went official.However in the past few months, this girl has been everywhere we go. Parties, nights out, meals with friends ect. My boyfriend and her as quite friendly, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I understand people have ex's but surely I'm not wrong to be a little upset when she throws herself at him in front of me? She always talks openly about what they got up to in bed, and asks personal questions about our sex life! He laughs it off but when I confronted him about it, he did speak to her and told her to back off.A few days ago she saw me in the high street and went out of her way to come and talk to me, saying I was an obsessive bitch who needed to accept their friendship or he wouldn't stay around much longer. It really hurt me, and I honestly don't see the point in telling my boyfriend as it did no good the last time. Am I overreacting or not?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 You are acting as any man or woman whose partner constantly dangled a recent bed buddy in front of them would.
Your boyfriend is a cretin and both of you women are a couple of mugs. While you two engage in this silly competition for a man who isn't worth it, said man sits back and enjoys the show.
I've said in many previous posts that people are free to date whomever they choose until they become official with someone. However going OUT on dates is very different from having sex.
Before you became official, how many times did your now boyfriend drop you off for the evening only to go and hook up with this other woman for sex? I don't want an answer. That's a rhetorical question.
Your boyfriend's honesty wasn't a demonstration of his good character, but a strategy. He was letting you know that if things didn't work out with you he had others to fall back on and because he has other options he doesn't have to try so hard with you. And clearly he isn't. YOU'RE the one whose stressing about this. Not him.
He was sleeping with this woman right up until you became official and he made sure you knew that. He laughs and tells her to back off. And how is it she knows about your dinner plans? How does she know where to be and when? Notice that she doesn't have to pretend to want to be your friend as a means of keeping him in her life. Why do you suppose that is? Why is he not worried about you leaving him because of her?
I think you should stop focussing on this other woman and pay closer attention to him, from your rear view mirror as you leave him behind.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (12 January 2014):
 I agree with Janniepeg - SHE is being obsessive. I think she is mad that he would JUST fuck her, but NOT date her, yet YOU... HE IS dating. She is jealous and ugly about, but she is SMUG and SMART enough to make life uncomfortable for you when your BF isn't around.
On one side, I feel like I would tell him to decide what he wants you or HER as a friend. Because if he wants to date you he needs to let go of the baggage, the thing is YOU tried that already and he DOESN'T seem to grasp HOW it makes you feel. MY guess is.. HE was never emotionally invested in her. She was a warm body he USED til he met someone he actually wanted to be with and THAT is YOU. He isn't WITH her. He is with you.
On the other side she is trying SO hard to make you feel insecure - because THAT is how SHE feels. SHE knows he didn't CARE for her enough to date her. However she is trying HARD to show or prove to him that SHE is better then you. And so far all he did was laugh it off, either because your BF is REALLY DENSE or he is enjoying having 2 women "fight" over him. And he IS (whether he would admit it or not) ENJOYING HER attention and ego stroking. I would NOT let her get the best of me. I would NOT stoop to her level of playing games. I would in short ignore her, be CORDIAL if she shows up around you, but not act jealous. IT will ONLY make her look bad.
IF you really like this guy THAT is what I would do.
However, THE fact that you HAVE told him how it makes you feel YET he has done nothing about it (except told her to tone down the sex talk in front of you) it kind of shows that he doesn't really give a shit how it makes you feel. So I think it's up to you to decide if you can DEAL with this long term or of you want to say F it, she can have him.
Personally, if I were you, I would walk away because SHE will escalate and your BF is enjoying this WAY too much to put his foot down. I GET it that people have FRIENDS of the opposite sex, I think it's a GOOD thing, but FWB people ARE NOT FRIENDS. Sorry, once you dipped your wick, the friendship is over. My guess is that because YOUR BF didn't like her enough to date her, he doesn't see a problem. Because it's not like he CARED about her. What he doesn't SEEM to get is that SHE doesn't feel the same way. SHE WANTS him for HERSELF.
One thing though, if she confronts you again, I would tell her that she needs to stop being such a jealous bitch. It's not your fault he didn't want to date her - then walk away. Bet you it will make her do/say things in front of your BF that will make her look like whacks job.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): I have not been the ex fwb but I have been the girlfriend and experienced what you are going through. I found that the closer my boyfriend and I became the more the ex started turning up or ringing and she really upped the ante. Now I am an extremely jealous type and I could not handle it. My boyfriend promised me they were just friends and that there was nothing more to it but I was not happy and not convinced. I forced him to give her up or else I would leave him. He hated me for this and I mean he really hated me for making such an ultimatum. Even then I was not sure that she was still out of his life. Anyway it transpired that they were still in contact but behind my back and my boyfriend told me over and over that I had no right to dictate who he could be friends with. Anyway it was not for me - I did not trust them and I personally could not live like that so our relationship ended. He is still very close friends with her today which is now a few years on. For me I did the right thing, I wasn't comfortable and I would not have maintained a close relationship like that with anyone if it was hurting my partner so much. Clearly he did not see it in the same way.
If you can not dwell on this and be the bigger stronger person by not letting her see it bothers you and not complain about her to your boyfriend then you will be so close she will be unable to break your bond which is what she is trying to do. Never say anything bad about her and be pleasant so your boyfriend cannot find fault. When this girl finds her plans are not working she will grow bored and then go off and find her own man. It is not selfish to be upset by this but men in the main don't like trouble or confrontation so be careful if you want to keep him.
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A
female
reader, Jaeger12 +, writes (12 January 2014):
I think both of the respondents have points. You are reacting as anybody else in your situation would.I am not replying with intention to worry you but just rather to offer a perspective from this other girls point of view.Do you know why your bf never had his fwb as his own gf?I know it seems silly but I've been in your situation but as the fwb girl. My FWB and I, developed slowly and he reached a point were he was ready and wanted a relationship with me and I could not handle it. He went and got with something else. However, Unlike the girl you mentioned, I done what I thought was right and disappeared. Gradually we found contact with each other again and we have always remained friends since - WiseOwlE is right, you may well break up at some point and she will still be around. It's hard to let go of someone especially when there is, in ways, unfinished business. But the fact of the matter is, your his gf, not her. If you suggest he cuts contact then he may well do, or he may claim you are being obsessive, he may even say he will and carry on seeing her behind your back. My advice to you is, if you don't want to be let down, then do nothing. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you are bothered. She doesn't sound like a nice girl, and sounds pretty hung up on him still. ...oh yeah but my point was, wen i was in this situation I had her friends coming up to me saying that I seemed to be 'around' more and was always where he was. Fact of the matter was, he was the one inviting me, his gf nagged at him that much he had adopted the attitude of "She keeps accusing me anyway, I may aswell do it" . I seen sense, eventually.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): It is a reality that we all have a history, and the people in it don't disappear when new people are introduced into our lives. Whether you like it or not, she is there and may be there long after you're gone. They are friends.
She knows her place and she doesn't like you. I say this a lot, and pretty much hold a consistent position about this common topic. Women see through each other. They know when they're not liked, and make no qualms about letting other women know it. Your strength and weakness is, you don't hide your feelings.
You met your boyfriend only two months after a breakup. There is a certain amount of risk that he could be a rebound boyfriend. The jury is still out; because the relationship isn't that old. She is a staple in your boyfriend's life. Her tactics are brash, deliberate, and intrusive. She is being protective. She'll test you, push the boundaries, and she'll bully you. Are you strong, or are you weak?
As your relationship endures, she will realize you're not going anywhere. For now, she is unsure of her position in his life. This is often what happens when people are in FWB relationships at the time they meet someone new.
You may be given the advice to confront her; and to talk to your boyfriend, and so on. I say, play it cool. Show her she can't rattle your cage; and let your boyfriend know you'll stand for no funny-business.
It's a pissing game, and she is only up to see if you're worth your salt. If you're going to come along and shove her out, you damned well better be the better woman. She had him first, still holds a place in his heart, and might even be there when you're gone. Friends to the end.
Deal with it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 January 2014):
 No you are not being obsessive, she is. She wanted more than friends with benefits, or she doesn't understand why he picked you as girlfriend and not her. Your boyfriend feels guilty about cutting off friendship so can't say no to her. She wanted to break up your relationship so she could have him all to herself. He also needs to stand firm and tell her he wants alone time with you. If he doesn't do that he's enjoying two women wanting you more than he likes quality time with you.
If I were you I would have sent the boyfriend to him, and say to her, here you can have him. An ex with benefits has no place in your lives. It's not a pleasant sight to see her all the time, thinking that every time there's a break he's going to end up with her. As an ex with benefits one time myself, I would say men who maintain contact this kind of friendship is disrespectful to both women. She can find another benefit guy in no time. Trying to break up the relationship is real low of her.
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