A
female
age
30-35,
*essicaJess
writes:My boyfriend is exceptionally intelligent. I'm a neuroscience major (4th year), and worked in a lab doing research in the summer of my second year. The study was related to IQ -- regardless, it required each participant take a standardize 30 minute IQ test. He scored in the 150+ bracket...which was the highest we got by about 10 points, if memory serves. It's how we met actually. Anyway, he's clever, and while he's not in any way conceited or arrogant, he knows it. We've been dating for about 18 months.He can be very manipulative. He never manipulates me, and has said that mind games have destroyed past relationships. However, he can get any people to do anything for him, especially girls who are always very fresh with him (he's not exactly ugly either, which he also knows). He doesn't use people, but he's fully aware he has this ability and I find it really threatening.I got into a fight with him and told him a past boyfriend of mine was "bigger" than him. a) he didn't deserve that, I was just being paranoid about being manipulated and lashed outb) he is not in anyway way inadequate in that department (far from actually) -- not as well endowed as my ex, but my ex hurt, a lot (terrible in bed).That comment really bruised his ego. I honestly do not know anything I could have said which would have cut deeper, he is a guy after all. My boyfriend is the best in bed I've ever had, and that's the honest truth. I enjoyed his ego being battered for a little, but it really upset him. I felt terrible. I cried so much after it; what I said was so vicious and mean, I hated myself for it. It was such a sadistic impulse, it's repulsive.He didn't deserve it either. He's faithful (and god knows he has plenty of chances not to be), he's kind to me, loves me properly, stands up for me and always puts me first. He buys me flowers all the time for no apparent reason. Not to mention he's handsome and beyond intelligent. I suppose I'm just insecure because I don't feel good enough for him. He's marriage material, and I'm becoming paranoid about messing it up. He just passed the Medical College Admission Test (MCATs)... He's Mr. Right, Romeo, Mr. "too good to be true" and I know I will never find anyone like him, nor would I want to. He's the man I dreamed about as a little girl. I'm desperately in love with him, and the idea of me messing things up makes me feel sick to my stomach, ironically, that feeling is making me mess things up.What can I do to get over my insecurities?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1
I hope you are satisfied by plucking down your man...
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 May 2012):
 I have to admit that MOST of the very intelligent people I know have LOUSY social skills....
honey you have him on a pedestal and when he falls off it then you can start having a real relationship with him.
He's not magic... and trust me if he was too good for you intelligence wise you would know it. I had a guy who since I was 14 had a thing for me and wanted us to be more than friends... not a stupid guy but clearly was on the lower end of the normal range on the IQ scale. I found it difficult to get a full connection with him due to lack of conversation... and hence no chemistry.
I believe in the old saying "water seeks it's own level" and that folks of similar IQ levels (as well as other things) will gravitate towards each other...
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 May 2012):
 When in a relationship, never think of who is inferior or who is superior. He could be Brad Pitt in the looks department or Albert Einstein as far as brains are concerned, but when he is with you, he is simply your boyfriend and you are his girlfriend. There should be no insecurity, no games, no thinking who's better or who's worse. Once such equations creep in, it will be very difficult to sustain the relationship.
You told him your ex was bigger because that was your weapon to hurt him. Never, EVER do that with a man. Fight fair in an argument, don't get abusive or personal. How would you have felt if he told you that his ex was prettier/more intelligent/had bigger breasts/was better in bed? Even if you knew he just said it to hurt you, would you be able to get over it?
Apologize to him at once and tell him whatever you've told us. Try not to get your insecurity get the better of you and when you're with him, don't think of him as the perfect package to be intimidated of; instead think of him as a regular guy, as YOUR boyfriend, and you don't have to worry about his intelligence or his looks or his relationship with others, as long as he treats you right and there is nothing majorly wrong with him.
Think for a moment, if Kate Middleton was in awe of Prince William, would their relationship be such a celebrated success? She was just a commoner like you and me while he was a royal Prince, son of the most photographed lady in the world, heir to the British throne.
Dont feel humbled by your boyfriend's achievements, he might be brilliant and handsome, but he is human after all and has his own flaws and insecurities. Dont punish him for being the perfect man, instead cherish what you have.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 May 2012):
 Hold on a second. After I finished and sent my post to you, OP, I kept thinking that there was something I left out of my reply. So, I read your post again, and I wanted to point something out to you:
Did you say that he manipulates other women who are "fresh" with him, meaning they like him romantically? As in, he gets other girls to do things for him and is aware that he's doing it?
Heh, that's not about intelligence, though it takes intelligence to pull it off successfully with consistency. Leading other women on to his own self-serving purposes is disloyal to you. No wonder you'd find that threatening.
Don't put up with that behavior for one single second. If he knows a girl likes him, he should have nothing to do with her. How would he feel if you were getting guys in the club to buy you drinks? Like I said, doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that that's disrespectful and disloyal to one's partner.
My original advice on overcoming your insecurity still stands, but not only it's clear to him that you're not going to stand for his messing with other women who are into him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 May 2012):
 Relax. We have already found a chink in his armour :). If his ego was so badly bruised by your mentioning that your ex was " bigger ", he can't be THAT intelligent. If he were, he would realize that , after all, that's a very likely statistic possibility ,- same as surely there are men who are taller than him, and he's not wringing his hands about it, is he. He would also know that for most women , apparently including you, size has got nothing at all to do with attraction or pleasure. And, if he were perceptive and sensitive, beside intelligent, he would have imagined that you feel a little insecure and tend to idealize him, so this was just a goofy, forgivable attempt to cut him down to size a bit.
Look, intelligence per se it's not all what is cracked up to be ( said by someone who is intelligent, and with the score to prove it ,like your BF ). The capacity for logical thinking and problem solving is surely a good thing, and useful in academics, but has not got much to do with success in life and most of all in personal relationships. There are people with autism , Asperger's or mental pathologies who are unbelievably intelligent ( ever seen A Brilliant Mind with Russel Crowe ? ) so don't be so in awe. I.Q is worth much less without E:Q:- the quotient of Emotional Intelligence, that quality that allows us to be empathic, get along with people, work well in group, be likeable and liked, etc.etc. You might have THAT much more than your bf, for all we know.
Sheer intelligence also is not even a sure indicator of practical success in life ( albeit it is in academic pursuits ). You might very well end up racking up more money, recognition, and most of all personal satisfaction and happiness than your genius Bf.
Personally, I'd find him a second chink in his armour, that makes him far from Mr. Perfect. You say that he does not use people, yet he can be manipulative, turn the charm on and off for his convenience. I bet- all intelligent people know how to do that. I used to be quite good at that too when I was younger, until I became even more intelligent :) , or perhaps just more mature ,respectful and self confident, and I realized that is a weak and loserish thing to do. The really smart thing to do is just be yourself, and accomplish what you can by what you are, without filters , masks and embellishments.
Moral: he ain't all that, he is probably an intelligent young man with all the immaturities and insecurities of his age, - and a couple of flaws here and there, exactly just like you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 May 2012):
 This guy is not superior to you and you are not inferior to him. He is a human being and you are too. But you do not think you are good enough for him. This is not a good situation for you. Please get hold of the book, 'I'm OK, You're OK' as I think you need to read that book cover to cover.
work on your own self esteem and you would not feel the need to lash our cruelly and inappropriately.
Yes you do feel that you truly love him unconditionally and cannot imagine your life without him. But do you already love him too much for your own good. Would you live in a wooden hut on the side of river with him, just so you and he could be together? How would you react if he wanted to use his skills to word with Doctors without Borders in one of the Flash Point dangerous localities in the world. Would you accompany him? Or become disgruntled that he was not earning what he could, while focusing on doing word for Doctors without Borders.
Or does he fit the profile of the sort of husband who would make you feel so proud and successful to manage to to be the one who 'snared'him? Is he a trophy too special to lose?
I think you need to negotiate issues 'cleanly' instead of 'fighting dirty'. The latter is nasty and will destroy your relationship.
That was very underhand to mention size to your boyfriend in an effort to hurt him. Focus on the real issue that is concerning. Do not bring in other issues.
For example:
1. He agrees to put out the trash, but forgets.
2. You come home, find it trash still sitting where you saw it last. And it is full and clearly the two of you will have to cope for the rest of the week.
Option (A) Do you abuse him soundly and bring in a range of other issues - totally unrelated to the trash issue. Things that you have fought about before, like his unacceptable sister and what a bitch she is and about his memory and bring up some other issues that support your premise that his whole family are thoughtless and forgetful? Refuse to speak to him for a week and refuse to attend the game you previously agreed to attend to watch him play. Just to demonstrate how angry you are?
Option (B) accept that accidents happen. Discuss how the two of you can come to an arrangement to ensure that the trash will be remembered the following week and for all weeks from now on? And then get on with being boyfriend and girlfriend, now that the issue of concern has been discussed and resolved.
You know the answer to the above question.
And if this relationship does not work out then let me assure you that YES you will find another guy if this existing relationship does not work out.
Try to be less needy of his approval. He is lovely to you.
But some independence on your part may produce some more reality into your relationship
Maybe even consult a psychologist about your paranoia.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 May 2012):
You do realize that criticizing him like that can do lasting damage, even after you make verbal amends? Imagine if he were to mock your weight or your chest? You didn't simply try to cut him down to size, you dealt an ultimate low blow, and you knew it too.
I don't think insecurity is actually the issue here. Everyone has insecurities in certain areas. Your problem is how you deal with it. Some people, when they face insecurities, try to either improve themselves in order to match or obtain that which causes them to cringe (i.e. working out, taking supplements, going to school to add an educational field, etc.), or they try to compensate in some way, either by flashing cash (if they feel inadequate), or strengthen a personal strength (someone who isn't a supermodel, yet has a magnetic and amazing personality).
You need to not focus on the insecurity, but how you deal with it, because you're always going to have it. This guy's intelligence simply exposed it in you. I think you need empathy for starters. Not everything is intelligence. You can't cut people down and hope that makes you feel better. If he leaves you, you'll simply be fulfilling your fear anyways, thus perpetuating this cycle.
You must accept and embrace your weakness, as well as enjoy and be quietly confident in your strengths. You can get started by fixing the damage you've done in this relationship. How? By exposing your vulnerability to him. Apologize to him for what you said, and tell him exactly what you told us here, right down to the letter.
Seriously, if you meant what you said here in this post, and you weren't just feeling sorry for yourself and blowing emotional smoke, then you need to rip your heart out and show it to your boyfriend. TELL him you feel inadequate. Tell him why you lashed out. Tell him that you will never do it again. Expose that you feel insecure around him.
Words are cheap, and quite frankly, any words you say with the exception of these words to him are worthless. To not do this is to cry crocodile tears and change nothing.
So what do you say?
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