A
female
age
41-50,
*ikasa
writes:A guy I used to work with a few years ago separated from his wife Jan/Feb 2011, almost 1.5yrs ago. In Oct 2011 he asked if I'd like to go on a date. We did and it went well, we got to know each other romantically and became very close, quickly. He ended up moving to the city I live (a plane flight away), primarily to give us a go, and as part of his new start. He said he loved me and that he wanted to marry me. I'm pretty sure he meant it, but I said get his divorce sorted and then we can talk. We had been together 6 months when it ended 3 weeks ago. He lived in the house and his ex wife own, and cared for the two kids they had plus the foster child - he was the primary care giver (though still full time worker). They were together 18yrs, married for about 3-4 yrs. He said he wanted to marry her long ago, but she didnt' wnnt to. His wife had an affair and was the one who walked out - he doesn't think she went to be with her affair, but just didn't want the marriage any more. He told me he had asked her to have counselling, and tried all he could - and that it was all over. He said he was waiting for February until he could legally apply for divorce for the papers. However, it was early April when he finally did, and we were arguing, because I didn't think he really wanted to. I also found out in February that he had an affair for 4+ years, while he was married and when we were together. He hardly saw her, and he said it was just the sex he went back to her for - apparently his marriage was pretty much sexless, and distance for many years. He also said he had tried to end it numerous times, but eventually she would say to him she'd tell his wife, so he could never be with his boys. He really loves his boys deeply. So he tried to keep her happy and stay with her. When I foudn out though, he ended it immediatley, and got professional counsselling and pastoral counselling throgh church. He then told me of some serious abuse he experienced from his step-dad, cousing, step-brother etc when a child (his dad died when he was 5yrs old) - and he had never told anyone about the molestation or being forced to watch porn before, only the physical and mental abuse from his step dad. And the help he was getting was also dealing with htat as he could see it drove his behaviour in his marriage etc. We had actually broken up the week before I found out about the affair - he was hoping to finish it and sort it out. When I found out and saw he was getting help and ended it, we ended up together. We loved each other so much it was hard to be apart. But his greatest dilemma was how much he missed his boys, his heart breaks with out them. He is trying to get one into school near us, but he keeps toying with idea of moving back to be near them. Even though he hates the town, and never wanted to be there. So he has been so sad without them. Just before we broke up, he called his wife to say he will send divorce papers up, and did after our argument later that week - when I said I have waited 2 months longer than he said it would take to file for divorce - he made the divorce sound like just a paperwork issue when we started dating - I think he was in denial? He said he didn't want to hurt the mother of his children, and was so scared of losing everything he owned, now that his wife is primary care giver. plus he can't be the foster dad of the foster kid if they divorce. He had told his wife about me in January, and that we are serious, and I have met his kids a number of times and we got on great. She was apparently ok about him and me.I think he really did love me but is so confused about what he wants. We broke up after a few big fights Easter this yr, when his wife said she didn't want me spending time with him and the kids this visit (their last visit, he didn't tell her he was introducing me to them - altho i had said its best he do so before hand). He said he wanted me there for easter and his bday, but i was so upset his ex was dictating how much i could see him and he let her.After the break, though, we hung out for the two weekends following that break up. We missed each other. We eneded it with the possibility we may get back together if he sorts himself out and I'm still single - but we didnt know if 'sorting himself out' would mean he goes back to his home town. a couple weeks ago, hhe told me he is thinking of asking his wife to take him back so he can live with kids - he says its the ideal of the family he'd do that for, not necessarily her. I would never have dated him if he said there was a hope they'd get back together. I'm gutted - although he doesn't know yet if he'll ask. Plus I htink she should know about the 4yr affair if he does ask her back, but he doesn't want to tell her in fear he'll hurt her. He had been suicidal a couple times, and even last week told me he was because he doesn't know what to do - but I don't know if he says this to pull me in, but it worries me greatly.Now my heart has a constant pain in it without him. I miss him and love him - there were so many good bits to our relationship (i've realy only listed the bad bits). It's been a month since our break up and I miss him terribly. I still love him. He said he still loves me, cares for me deeply but what can he offer me - he now sounds like he thinks there's no hope for us, because what can he offer me and how could I ever trust him after what happened. I think I could with rebuilding and him being sorted out. But I miss him so much. I now don't hear from him hardly at all. - he was commited to me, but seemed to just give up when it got so bad between us. I htink I pushed him too far, but he had gone back on his word a few times - I know he meant things, but maybe wasn't honest with himself. Is there any hope for us? Should I just let him go completley? The latter is what I'm trying to do, but I want him back, I truly love him.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mikasa +, writes (10 May 2012):
mikasa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you all for your comments and support. I have needed it. I don't understand why for some reason I hold the stupid hope that he will sort himself out and come back to me. He had said he hoped that would happen after we broke up, but as we all know, he doesn't know what he wants, so his words can't be trusted. I don't know how long it will take for, or even how, my hope to have him back will fade. I've gone a date with another guy, who seems nice, but the connection my ex and I had was good on so many levels. It's crazy - why is this so!? And would I be best to wait until my ex decides if he'll ask his ex wife to take him back, before considering telling her? If he doesn't ask her, she probably doesn't really need to know. Thanks again for your support.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): this man is just sooooo toxic in your life.you may not realise it now but you have had a lucky escape.i can just picture it: he gives you all the sh1t about his wife cheating on him.....and then YOU find out that HE had an on going affair for 4 years. He only stopped his affair AFTER you discovered his affair.hun, do yourself a favour and get rid of all/any contact detaisl for him. i agree that you should tell his wife about his 4 year long affair. can you imagine her rebuilding her life for another 18 years with him ,only to find out 18 years from now that she wasted her whole life with him?Count your lucky stars that you do not have to deal with this conniving, manipulative man.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, mikasa +, writes (6 May 2012):
mikasa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Janniepeg. That was a good point that he may be best to go back to that town. He was never happy in that town, so I wonder how good it would be for him but he needs his boys most...
Also, his wife has said a few times she'd let him take to boys. She is a career oriented woman, so has found it hard being the single mum, when my ex was the main caregiver before. But there is so much to sort out, and words can be said that aren't meant entirely.
That aside, how do you let someone go when you still love them and miss them? I believed him entirely and loved him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2012): The thing about falling in love with a man that uses words to cast a spell of promises of undying love is that they are just that- words.His actions, focus on those. Having sex with you is not love. For a man, its just an ends to a means and especially a man that uses words.Its big time dishonesty for him to say he loves you. He would be honest with you from day one about everything. He would work with you to problem solve, to make decisions, and act like a solid, committed couple working for a future.Which did not occur.In fact when things became very adult, serious, heavy with responsiblity and pressures- he took the easy way out and RAN and left you on your own.This is a selfish act. He only thought of himself, self preservation.He used you for sex to distract and help himself feel better- addict behaviours in keeping with his childhood trauma and narcissism- and when he could not get what he needed, you were tossed aside.PLEASE realize that to love a narcissist is hell for most. And its painful. What you really were in love with was the idea of being in love with someone who was adult, healthy, responsible, accountable, honest, fair, and who would have no fear to invite you to his heart, home, life 100% faithfully.It was not that man.Let him go. Heal. Learn from it all. Join a support group. MOVE ON.*hugs*He is what age and he still doesn't know what he wants or is still unhappy?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 May 2012):
 There is no rebuilding and sorting out until he is happy with the divorce and custody arrangements. He either divorces her and get joint custody but he had made his life a mess by moving out and having affairs with women and the only thing he could do is stay with his wife if that means he can be with his boys. You should let him go completely, because there is no possibility that he is going to fly his two boys to where you live, he can't legally do that and it's unfair to his wife. The only way he is going to have good sex relationship, and the boys is to get a divorce, a joint custody, then begin dating other women living in his area only.
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