A
female
age
22-25,
*herry17
writes:Hey everyone. I made a post on here in Jan addressing my bf platonic friendship with this girl (you can go to my other question for backstory). Essentially between then and now my feelings towards her hasn't really changed. I have anxiety and can be insecure, but I don't really have a problem with him having opposite gender friends at all. I have trust in him and even the other girl, my main issue is that I felt boundaries were not respected for our relationship. The actions themselves weren't the issue, but it was the principle. Also, another big problem is that my bf tends to have stereotypes to justify his friendship with her vs. my friendships. For example, he told me how once he gave her a ride and they were messing around and he tickled/poked at her for fun. Few months later he brings it up bc he felt like he should tell me even though it's not a big deal. I'm not that upset, but I tell him essentially how would he feel if I did that to a guy friend of mine or vice versa. He tells me it would be way worse and he thinks I'd know not to do it because it's not my "personality." Anyways, we have talked about his friendship with her several times because I've gotten upset. We did make up and now I'm trying to be less insecure and understanding and have faith in our relationship. But I really need advice on how to just get over these things. I feel like it's built up to the point where if he mentions her at all or texts her I just get upset internally and hold it in to myself to the point it physically causes me stress. He's never given me a reason to think he'd cheat, but I think it makes me more upset because if the situation was flipped and I had a younger male friend who constantly made contact with me first my bf would be considerably upset. Now it's to the point I feel like he purposely hides his phone around me just in case I see she snapchats or texts him because he's afraid I'll react irrationally and be upset. I try to change music in the car or take photos and he grips his phone hard or puts it out of my reach, something he never used to do. I text and snapchat a few guy friends I am completely platonic with, his actions by assuming I'm going to get mad if he doesn't tell me about her but in doing so it creates a problem. I don't even feel comfortable asking how his friends are because it feels like I'm making things uncomfortable even though it's normal to ask casually. It's just weird... idk what to say. At this point there is no reason to bring her up anymore unless something happens, I guess I'm just looking for comfort in how to deal with these emotions. Btw we are long distance and esp due to Covid there's probably no reason or way for me to ever meet her. So that's not really a solution to being more comfortable.
View related questions:
insecure, long distance, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cherry17 +, writes (8 January 2021):
cherry17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey y'all--- it's been several months and I think over a year since this issue has been an "issue." Thanks for the advice and I really have considered all the responses. I'll be honest, I admit that I can overthink and jump to conclusions like many people do. I have been honest about how I feel and my general thoughts on their friendship, and I have asked to see some messages just to see her personality or if anything seemed off. Nothing is inappropriate but there definitely is a lot of teasing, inside jokes, and she consistently asks to play games or go for walks despite him saying no. I think he is just too friendly with her, not to cheat on me intentionally, but bc he always is the considerate older brother figure to all his cousins/neighbors/younger friends. But I think my issue is really with the girl and not him, although I can't blame her for being immature and not knowing boundaries if they haven't been set. To be honest, I think a big part of this is just me learning to not project my insecurities. I'm going to fully trust his word that nothing is going on and his commitment to avoid 1-on-1 contact as much as possible to set a boundary with her. She has made comments and tried to insert herself as someone very important a few times with him and it kinda bothered me. But my main intentions before I started dating was to never control my partner or tell them what to do. I wish for us both to have trust and honesty to make decisions with each other in mind. That doesn't mean we won't get jealous or make mistakes, but I want to be mature and not make a fool of myself in the end. If this consistently gives me anxiety or stress then in the future I will have to cut it off. But I think it's not a red flag as of now since I know his character and I think this is a complicated/awkward situation. I will update if there is anything more, and for anyone reading this: learn from my experience that nobody, esp a stranger not within your relationship, is worth the time and stress and energy that could've been used towards your growth.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2020): [Typo corrections]: I like to correct spellings, punctuation, and grammar; so my comments are clearly understood. Sometimes errors are missed in my first proofreading.
"I can only base my opinion on your biased-description of their relationship; and it seems to me, your boyfriend is carrying-on a simultaneous-relationship with this girl."
"That kind of damage and baggage is hard to recover from."
"He is trying to have his cake, and to eat it too!"
"He's playing the lucky-guy in the middle; with two women fighting over him."
Jealousy should never be the motive behind your behavior. You have to allow maturity and reason to guide you; when dealing with issues in a relationship. It is human to feel jealousy over someone you love; but they are not a possession to covet. It is not your place to fend-off others, who only have friendly-intentions and innocent motives behind their involvement in his life. You will not be the one and only female in his life; but you have the right to make men show you respect, and make you his #1 lady. No other lady-friend is equivalent to your position as his woman and romantic-partner.
Be woman enough, and smart enough, to avoid committing yourself to men who already have strong-willed or overprotective-females (i.e. mothers, exes, colleagues) in their lives. They will be a wedge! If he doesn't establish the boundaries that protect your relationship; you must never commit to him, or allow yourself to be a part of that kind of drama. Be your own woman before you belong to somebody-else.
You have to use good-judgement and discernment; and make your decisions based on factual-evidence. Not your unproven-suspicions, or insecurities.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2020): I believe this is you:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-uncomfortable-with-boyfriends-friendship-with-this-other.html
I can tell that you are doing your very best to deal with your boyfriend's constant interactions with his female-friend. Young relationships in your age-group (18-21) should be fun and exciting; but not too intense. In fact, drama-free! When you start using words like "stress" or "anxiety;" those elements should be nowhere near your relationship. You'll hit snags or bumps, have a few misunderstandings, and you'll have little disagreements; but it seems the more you feel uncomfortable with this girl, the harder he tries to protect and maintain this so-called "friendship."
Platonic-relationships should neither compete with, nor resemble, your romantic-relationship. Other females should not be constantly contacting your boyfriend. He should not be protecting friendships with other females from his girlfriend; or making other females feel as important to him as you are. He is making sure he has a girl to fill-in for you while he's away.
I can only base my opinion on your biased-description of their relationship; and it seems to me, your boyfriend is carrying on a simultaneous-relationship with this girl. One girl for while he's away at school; and another when he's with you. He downplays it; but it appears she spends too much time in communication with a guy she knows to have a girlfriend. He is working far too hard to keep that particular friendship going; even when it seems to make you feel insecure. Your girlfriend shouldn't have to compete with friends of the opposite-sex! You shouldn't be snatching and hiding your phone. It draws suspicion, and you're telling on yourself.
You won't like my opinion; but it's time you let this relationship go.
It is my opinion that this girl IS more than just a friend. He is trying to have his cake and to eat it to! A girl back-home, and a girl away at school. You are struggling to hang-on to him; and he doesn't know how to let you go. Yet at the same-time, he's being greedy. He wants to have both of you. Long-distance relationships for people your age are far too demanding. You are distracted from your studies, and developing unhealthy ways of dealing with men.
The only way this is going to workout, is when you get so tired of struggling with this; that you will decide you've had enough of it.
It's time you've included some male-friends into your social-circle. He feels like he's king of the hill. In-time, I would even suggest you need to start dating other guys. Not until after you've let him go; and had a period of detachment and recovery from the breakup. Avoid rebound-relationships. You've been through enough already.
You are establishing an unhealthy-pattern that way too many women suffer from. Killing themselves over a man who isn't showing them she's his priority, and allowing him to destroy her spirit. You'll go from one failed-relationship to another, and keep finding that same kind of man. You'll end-up with trust-issues, and so insecure you'll never be happy; even when you've found the right-guy. That kind of damage and baggage is hard recover from.
I will venture to speculate this relationship is too strained. I think it is getting to you, and here it is seven months later; and you're still in the same place. He's playing the luck-guy in the middle; with two women fighting over him. While you're tearing your hair out trying to keep him. Well, he has made it clear she's not going anywhere; and he doesn't have the walnuts to let either of you go. He's sitting pretty. While you're stressed and writing for advice. There comes a time to leave the guy. That's called growing-up and becoming a strong-woman! This isn't a marriage you're fighting for.
He's taking advantage of your loyalty and devotion; and protecting his male-pride, making sure he doesn't have to deal with the thought of you being with another guy. Breaking-up gives you freedom to be with other guys. Holding-on to you delays that from happening.
It's time to dump him! He won't make a choice. She's not just a friend, she's his girlfriend on the side. Don't expect him to admit it. You don't struggle so hard with your girlfriend to keep some chick you've met; and neither of them have met each-other. At first, it seemed you were just jealous. Now he's hiding his phone from you.
It's your call. Nobody can talk you into accepting this. The truth is, you don't have to. Time to grow-up and set boundary-lines that guys don't cross. They can have all the female-friends they want; but when those girls interfere with your relationship, you are going to have to be woman enough to kick guys who play you to the curb! No advice from us can control how you feel. This is your moment of truth, and time to do what's best for you. Relationships should be mostly loving, and rarely ever stressful. Other females should know their place. He is allowed to have one woman at a time. Otherwise, be single and available to date whomever he pleases. Not have a girl in every town!
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (5 August 2020):
 You say you're ok with this relationship he has with this girl but you're not! Why don't you tell him the truth?
Tell him that you WERE ok with it until he started dropping bits of information into conversations with you about "tickling/poking her for fun" that he had to tell because he thought you should know......why did you need to know if it was as innocent as he says? Ask him why he's so protective of his phone when he never was in the past.
Ask to read the messages, if they're innocent great if they're not you'll know or he won't show them to you.
However, if these messages are totally innocent and your boyfriend is genuinely just friends with this girl then you two need to talk about what you can both do to rebuild trust in this relationship and discuss why you've ended up here.
If I was in your situation I would have confronted my partner by now and had it out with him, his behaviour definitely sounds odd and I can understand why you're suspicious.
Whatever the situation you two need to talk honestly and openly and if you can't...... that doesn't bode well.
I wish you all the best and hope this helps AB x
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (4 August 2020):
 It does not sound like there is to much trust going on in this relationship. trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together- without trust a relationship will have trouble getting of the ground.
Basically he is saying its ok for him to fool around with another woman in the car, flirt and touch and stuff. Then he say's if you did the same thing it would be way worse because its not your personality. So its his personality then is it, and your supposed to be ok with it.
He hides his phone, keeps it out of reach from you so you can't see if she texts or not. This is the actions of a suspicious person.
OP it sounds like he is carrying on with her in a flirtatious way, and is being manipulative and rather controlling about if you attempted the same thing. Is this flirting going to lead to other things?.
For me there are to many alarm bells going on here. I think he is wrong and you deserve better than this.
I think that you need to sit down and ask yourself is this relationship really for you? Can you see a future with him?. And more importantly can you ever fully trust him?.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 August 2020):
 Maybe you should just BE honest here?
Tell him you AREN'T OK with him having female friends. But that would also mean, YOU can't have guy friends either. IS that what you want? To limit friendships for you both?
Maybe what could be a good idea (once "ye ole plague" is over) is to MEET this friend of his. IN person.
And I think it's OK to not want to hear every detail of his conversations he has with her. Though that could make it seem like he is hiding things from you.
It sounds like his friendship with her is more important that you. And it also sounds like you have made some "sorta male friends" on snapchat just "even things out, except they don't even anything out. You seem to hope that one of these guys on snapchat will chase after you so YOUR BF can feel uncomfortable too.
TRY and pinpoint what IS IT you feel up set about. Then decide can I handle this or not. If you feel upset and hurt over something like him having a female friend, maybe you need to rethink dating him.
If you can't VERBALIZE what it is you feel, nothing will change.
...............................
|
