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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi there. My bf and I have been together for 18 months. Things are okay but I have one issue with him, his temper. He has a really bad temper and loses his cool really easily. He is not violent and I don’t think he ever would be but I struggle with the way he loses his cool so much and sometimes I feel like I have to tread on eggshells around him.I’m not about to leave him but his behaviour does make me feel insecure in that I question whether he loves me the way he is able to shout like that. We have talked about it loads and he admits he can be awful. I have asked him if he loves me and that when he behaves like that I question it but he has said that he does, and that he has always been like that and knows it is a problem. The thing is, he can be very gentle and tender too and incredibly affectionate, we are always cuddling, touching and holding hands. We have talked about him having counselling/therapy but he is not interested. Now he has broken his leg and he is hard work to be around (understandably) and I want to be there for him but when he loses it I just want to get away from him. I don’t feel abused and my self esteem is pretty good but I do feel drained around him sometimes. I don’t think he is ever going to change. Sometimes I wonder if it is to do with his childhood as his family are an unemotional pragmatic bunch and I do wonder if he has stuffed down a lot of emotions when he was little and now as an adult they are coming out? I don’t know, but my insecurity is bothering me and I would like to ask - do you think that it means that he does not love me that much the way he is able to lose his temper so easily with me? I mean, what is it with people who lose their temper all the time, what does it mean, is it more about him than me? I have no intention of leaving him and I do love him but it is getting me down a bit.thanks for reading.
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insecure, self esteem, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionllifton and cindycares - thanks, and thanks to veryone else too. I would like to reply. llifton, I think I am stuck somewhere between 1) and 2). I feel ambivalent as I really love him and he is great much of the time but then there are times when I feel desperate. I am lucky I have good friends, that I can lean on and sound off too. I am also not the only one in my group who has a difficult bf!
Time will tell but for now I am leaning more on the side of staying and hoping he may chill out somewhat as he gts older?! It is also worth noting that for all the annoynace at his temper, I do also love his fieryness. He is passionate about many things, he is not afraid to cry, he is articulate, funny to the point of being hilarious and extremely bright. I do find him interesting and I am aware that he is my 'type.' I also find that having plenty of space from him works for me, as I get the chance to get back to ME agian. He does affect me too much, I know how to look after myself and i just take myself away from him when the need arises. If we were to live togtehr, i would continue to do this.
I agree wholeheartedly with those who have commented on childhood issues being something you have to get over, which in a sense is why i do see counselling/therapy as waste of time as that is what they always focus on. We both believe that childhood is something you need to get over and, as others have said, you reinvent yourself how you want your life to be.
I had a bf years ago who was physically agressive, he blamed his Dad as he used to beat him. The thing is, I have never got my head around people blaming their parents as my Father came from a large, catholic, working class, east end (london) family, and he got beaten and he never raised his hand to us. He was however racist, and I cannot tollerate any racism for a second. So I agree, you do not have to be a product of your childhood. And those that are go thru life being victims and never fulfilling their potential.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 @Chigirl : I agree with you wholeheartedly and, in fact, consider yourself kissed on your forehead- smack ! Just yesterday I was saying the same in another thread- enough please with the " he/she had a bad childhood or a bad upbringing " saga. That may at times explain things, but never justify them. An adult who blindly adheres to his parents' life vision, has not done his job of becoming an adult. We DO have the responsibility to review what we got from our family and discard it or change it when it creates a problem in our life and in our relationships . So his parents maybe were "exploders" ... and ?..
My mom, bless her soul, is a good woman BUT also rather a snob , I was raised with the firm idea that you don't even TALK to people not belonging to your social class, let alone befriend them. But, guess what, very soon I started questioning this idea, it did not work for me, the person that I am and that I want to be, so- sorry mom,on this you taught me wrong.
Examples are just that : SAMPLES of behaviour, we can take them or instead ask for something different .
Therefore, OP, I think too that you are cutting him a lot of unnecessary slack , it's not so relevant the reason why he bullies you and verbally abuses you and scares you, the relevant thing is that HE DOES. I can't but second Chigirl's advise- either he goes to counseling, or he hits the road.
Or, you willingly embrace a lifetime of misery and disrespect.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 first and foremost, i'm sorry about your problem. if he's unwilling to go to a counselor, there's only three other things you can do, that i can think of.1.) you can ask him if he believes this is something he wants to work on and overcome on his own. counseling is not for everybody. he sounds pretty strong-willed. so maybe a counselor isn't in the cards. but being so strong-willed, he may be able to work on himself alone and change his behavior on him own. if so, that's fantastic.2.) if he's unwilling to change, you need to ask yourself if this is something you're willing to put up with permanently and get accustomed to. because if he says he's not going to change, he's not going to change. if it is something you feel you can tolerate, then stay with him and just deal with it.3.) if he's unwilling to change and you cannot put up with it, leave him. what other choice do you have? you can't change him. and you can't change yourself and what you're willing to tolerate, and you shouldn't have to. so there really is no other option.i wish you the best of luck. and for your sake and his sake, i hope he decides to work on his anger.
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male
reader, freeme +, writes (16 June 2011):
 Hmmm. Anger issues. This is a broad subject. The tendency for him to get angry has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the love he feels for you. Anger issues usually mean there is something going on in his life for which he feels he has no control. He hasn't learned how to deal with that emotion properly, and he is taking it out on you. Sure, there could be some things you do that bother him, but all relationships have those things. Learning how to identify the emotions surrounding these things, and then labeling them (anger vs frustration), will help.For instance, if he doesn't like the drawer you put the pot holders in (and he has been secretly stewing all day consciously or subconsciously because he HATES his job) then the pot holder thing becomes a scapegoat for his anger. He needs to be able to identify a couple things there. The pot holder thing frustrates me, I'm yelling because I am on emotional egg shells because I'm terrified I'm going to lose my job. (or a family member is sick, etc.) When we are our normal rational selves, no one loses their mind over pot holders, except when we are in this state of frustration over things we may or may not even realize we are constantly thinking about. I hope this gives you some ides to think about what could be bothering him. Once he can label each emotion surrounding an outburst, he can THEN start to work on catching himself before he flips his lid. Its a long road, worth traveling. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again Spinnaker and thanks to veryone who has replied.
No, he does not react to everything I do and he is not controlling, just quich to rise. I am trying to think of an example. OK. One thing that winds him up is when I repeat myself, silly, i know, he is so intollerant. Weird, as he is a psychiatric nurse! Also spinnaker, I dont want you to think he is abusive; he sint, just angry.
In response to your question about whether he is like this with everyone, i would say no. He loses his rag with me, also his family at times, work colleagues who he does not get on with, possibly patients at work and certain friends (but certainly not all - his best friend for one. He would not put up with it).
I do wonder if he loves me 'properly.' However, i cant end it now, he has just broken his leg, that would be cruel!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 This is about him being selfish and not having self control. Quite opposite of what you might think, his childhood shouldn't be factored into this. As an adult hes now had several years to correct himself, and he is fully responsible for his own actions. Granted, it can be hard to change your ways, but possible if you work at it. Doesn't sound like he's working at it at all, when he simply refuses to go to counseling over it. If it is due to some traumatic childhood (the all time favourite excuse) then he needs to get himself treated for it, if it is so out of his control.
This isn't about you doing something wrong either. This is him not knowing how to actually express himself in a proper manner. I take it he's reacting out of proportion to the issue? Then thats not him letting out bottled up emotions, thats him STILL NOT KNOWING how to let out his emotions. If he knew, they'd be in proportion to the issue at hand. And very few issues get solved through screaming...
Also, contrary to what you want to believe, this will tear you down, and this is abusive. He isn't physical, but it shows a clear lack of respect for you to scream and yell at you. If there is name calling involved, or he "plays dirty" when arguing, it will tear you down, and make you feel like less of a person. You might not see it right now, but it sneaks in slowly... and it'll take a reminder of how you used to be to be able to see what you have become around him. One factor is that you feel like threading on eggshells. I guess you don't feel comfortable expressing yourself around him either?
Spinnaker said "The fact that you have to censure or modify your behavior around him is proof that it is abuse."
This is exactly right. You not being able to be yourself at your fullest, but having to modify yourself, chance your ways, is proof of this being abusive. It takes away your rights to be a full person in this relationship, and puts him in charge and with righst to speak his mind whenever about whatever while you need to shut up and take it. Thats abusive.
Either he gets himself help or you walk. The alternative is to stay and slowly become his doormat.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (16 June 2011):
 The fact that you have to censure or modify your behavior around him is proof that it is abuse. You can not assert yourself and confront him about his behavior because it gets him more mad?
Anything else you are not allowed to do or say because it makes him mad?
Emotional abuse/manipulation comes in many forms.
Evidence of the destructive nature of his behavior is found in the Law of Large Numbers. He may yell and scream and do whatever and nobody will get hurt; however, statistically if it continues there will be that one time where something irrevocable will happen and it may happen to you!
LAst question: Is he like this in all facets (work, etc) of his life or just with certain people?
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female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (16 June 2011):
Well you've only been together 18 months and it's already beginning to negatively affect you, imagine how it'll be after a few years. You may not be able to cope with it long term.If I were you, I'd explain to him how much it gets me down, leaves me feeling drained and is starting to make me feel insecure. He's admitted he can be awful, so if he loves you as much as you love him and cares how this is affecting you he should really agree to therapy. Apart from that safe words and walking away when he starts yelling are good ideas too but they might not work for everyone (he may follow you) so I'd still suggest he gets therapy too.There could be many different reasons for his temper - upbringing, genetics/personality, poor communication skills. It doesn't really matter, if it's starting to affect his life and relationships negatively then it's a problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that 'Soveryconfused' that has helped alot.
I was raised in a house where yelling was okay too but to be honest, I dont like it much. I do lose my temper too but more when I am pushed, although sometimes it's over silly things that I shouldnt react over, like my bf looking at another girl's legs, or suchlike. He has such a short fuse, he loses it so quickly. I have surprised myself that I have managed to keep a sense of self in all this but I have. To be fair he does often apologise and when he doesnt he still knows he has f**ked up.
I guess no-one is perfect. Gees, i can be an outrageous nightmare at times. Poor guy has broken his leg now so he's going to be in a foul temper for weeks no doubt. Aghhh!!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 June 2011):
 sounds a lot like my BF
and sadly sounds a lot like me.
both of us have tempers and blow up at each other..
both of us were raised in homes where yelling was ok... so we are OK with it... but it does get stressful...
we are both working on it and in therapy for it.
that being said... he knows it's an issue. you know you are not going to leave him because of it so he knows it's ok to do it.
my advice... WHEN he yells you say to him calmly "you are yelling at me and I can't deal with it, I am going to walk away, when you are calm and ready to TALK let me know"
then leave. do not come back till he is calm.
my bf and i came up with a private "safe word" so that when we are out of control saying the safe word puts an end to the "scary" behavior... maybe you guys can come up with one of those too...
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A
female
reader, janice201149 +, writes (16 June 2011):
 If your boyfriend attitude is bad as what you said in your story I guess you are there to change him and to understand him. Tell him what you don't want to him. But make sure to confront him at the right time when you think he is in good mood and tell him in a right manner. Discuss with him what you want to say.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be honest, when I asert myself around him it just winds him up more so it's pointless. I find the best reaction is no reaction. It's not affecting my self esteem; that is pretty strong and I have to disagree that it is not the same as physical abuse. I love him but I do love myself as much. i dont feel like an 'abused woman.' I have great friends and a good job. You say 'He may not want to hurt and may never raise a hand against you, but a person who consistently looses it is no different than someone who likes to shoot shotguns in the living room - sooner or later someone is going to get hurt and it is very unsettling' but what evidence do you have about this?I think there was abuse when he was a kid; he has told me that his Dad used to him him with a stick. I dont have kids but I would never hit them and I do think that this is abusive. I know it sounds bad but he can be lovely too.Please hear that I am not going to leave him.
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male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (16 June 2011):
Displays of temper is a form of emotional abuse. Do you find yourself doing what he says just so he doesn't blow his top?
He may not want to hurt and may never raise a hand against you, but a person who consistently looses it is no different than someone who likes to shoot shotguns in the living room - sooner or later someone is going to get hurt and it is very unsettling.
Chances are he isn't going to change unless he comes to grips with how his behavior is perceived. In order to understand where someone gets a short temper you have to look at the family history - because much of this is learned behavior.
Are his parent(s) ones with short fuses?
Was there abuse there?
Has he always gotten his way?
You say the folks are unemotional and pragmatic - is your BF the same way until he snaps? If so it is a good bet his parents are exploders and that's how he learned to manage anger.
You need to assert yourself when he is behaving childishly.
"I refuse to talk to you or be around you when you are like this - so either I get treated with respect and we can talk or you can be alone."
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