A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for 3 years. I don't live with him but stay over at his place on the weekends and we see each other during the week IF our schedules allow but it isn't often. I'm 31, and he's 35. We've been having issues over the last several months and started fighting a lot. It got to a point where we really couldn't go a day without a fight, and the majority of the time it was over something petty. This resulted in him distancing himself.We talked and decided we'd both make an effort to work on our relationship, as he said he didn't want to break up. Anyway, things were going good for a few weeks (which was a HUGE deal since things had been so crappy) but he's started distancing himself again.Now, he hardly texts and if he does it's one text a day that says something short such as "i love you" and then I won't hear from him again for a day or so. Now, I know you're probably thinking "god she's needy" but it isn't like that. He's always been a big texter and sometimes we'd exchange 100 texts back and forth throughout the day. So, him sending a short text in a 24 hour period shows that things have changed. He just isn't making any real effort lately.He text me today at noon and said "i'm back to work with dale again" and I said "that's really good" and nothing since. I do believe he's at his friend's house right now playing on xbox, which is something else he's done lately; kind of put me on the back burner. I feel like I'm taking a backseat to everything and everyone else. I also feel like I'm not appreciated and am being taken for granted. I love him, and am in love with him, but I'm tired of him being distant and not putting forth enough effort. Come this weekend he'll be contacting me to come over but how he acts during the week makes me not want to see him. I shouldn't have to see him just because he thinks it's time, or just because he has nothing better to do.What can I do? He doesn't want to break up but he doesn't exactly act like he wants to be with me either. Well, I can and can't say that, because when I'm around him I can see and feel his love for me sometimes but that's where it ends. It seems like I've been forgotten lately after I leave his place. I've tried talking to him and he says he's sorry and will do better (which he did for a couple of weeks) but now we're back to the distant crap again. I want to know what to do with a distant boyfriend. How can I pull him back to me? Right now I'm letting him initiate contact as the last time he did this I clung onto him and it made things worse. If he sends me a single text, do I reply? Ignore him back for a bit? I'm confused as to how to handle it exactly.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (6 December 2013):
 I also think you have done the right thing.
There are no guarantees that NC will bring him back to you but it's better than pursuing and chasing him which we know will push him further away.
It's gutting when a relationship ends, it can feel like a death and grieving can be a long drawn out process. If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it's better to walk away because you cannot do much else.
Keep your chin up keep moving foward xxx
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2013):
 I just read your follow up and I think you did the right thing.
hugs to you OP
be strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies but I went ahead and decided to go NC. I just can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. I've been down this road before and I took him back so I know this isn't going to change. He has a history of emotionally abandoning girlfriends and they ended up cheating on him. So, I've changed my cell number, blocked him on facebook and made it so he can't contact me. I've just been fooling myself into thinking his one word text messages actually meant something. He was just making sure I was still holding on.. and I'm not anymore.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2013):
at 31 and 35 after 3 years together why are you not progressing to marriage and/or living together.
see to me if you only see each other on weekends then it sounds like he's just settling into the typical routine of folks that are comfortable with each other.
at 31 and 35 you both should be holding down full time jobs and that to me means very limited time during the week for anything... I rarely talk to my friends outside of work during the week. I only see my husband because we live in the same house. IF we did not live together why would I need to contact him daily to say "i love you"
IF you care that much why aren't you two progressing the relationship?
See that's the key 7 months ago when the bickering started perhaps it was due to the lack of progression and it was the time to fish or cut bait and you guys didn't end the relationship or progress it.... now it suffers because it's not what it should be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been about 3 months including the few weeks we were doing well. So, definitely not 7 months.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I woke up this morning and still no text from him since noon yesterday. He always sent good morning/love you texts. I'm heartbroken. I feel like I've lost him and am being forced to walk away from someone that I truly love. I forgot to add to my post yesterday that we had planned on getting together yesterday evening but I never heard from him except for the "i'm back to work" text. I have no idea when he got off or anything. It's basically been a week of silence. I have no idea what he's doing, who he's with, where he's at. I like knowing about his day to day life. He has Crohn's disease and sometimes will be in the hospital and won't even tell me until I text him and start wondering what's going on.It also seems like he'd be okay if we went awhile without seeing each other, which we did back when things were really troublesome. It's like he doesn't want to bother with me, texting me nor seeing me so he just goes on as if I don't exist. When he did this in the past and I finally saw him after 4 weeks, he still had my picture as his phone wallpaper. So I don't understand how he opens that phone throughout the day and can simply look over it. It's clear he's emotionally disconnected yet he won't break up with me. When I saw him on Sunday, he told me he doesn't want to have to ask me over everyday so he gave me an open invitation. Anytime I want to come let him know, and come on over. I, don't like doing that. I like an invitation for that time instead of barging in on him and he knows this.I've talked to him about this A LOT and sometimes he gets mad and says that maybe I should go on with my life and find someone better or for whatever reason he can think of at that moment. I ask him if that's what he wants and he'll say something like "if all you're going to do is bitch". Then later he's telling me he loves me and how we'll be together forever. When he thinks I'm walking away he starts being here and that makes me think things will be different. But, it's THIS, the distance, that's causing the issue for me right now and making me not so nice. It's hard to get excited when we have a good weekend together and then I go an entire week with no real communication. The next time he texts me I'll be irritated as it will be something short and to the point; "love you", "im at work".. umm okay? and?? See how that's frustrating? He knows that I'm upset he's being this way yet he keeps doing it.I broke it off with him back in Feb for this very same reason. I went NC for 3 weeks and he found a way back in and we got back together. Now he's doing it again. He was just talking last Sunday about us getting our xmas pictures taken together and he was all excited about it. I just don't get it. I know he isn't cheating on me so something else is going on. Oh, and we both know where we stand as far as marriage and all that stuff. We're on the same page with that so that isn't an issue. I really don't know what to do. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): I think you've focused on the wrong thing OP. The real issue here is the 7 months of fighting. There's something very wrong in your relationship and 7 months of petty bickering sounds like nails in the coffin if you ask me.
OP he may not "want" to break up, but it sounds to me like he's on his way out and honestly I don't blame him.
I mean in fairness you can't blame the guy for distancing himself from something that has over the last 7 months been a bit of a nightmare.
You need to get to the root of these "issues" and you need to talk this out on what you're going to do to fix them. Op it may actually just be that you and he are not compatible. That the honeymoon is over and you and he just don't get on, and can't resolve important issues.
I hear a lot on this site people saying they want to stay and work on the relationship but most just say those as words and have no idea what they have to work on. OP working on the relationship requires getting to the source of issues, figuring out a way of getting rid of them and then you start working on the relationship.
Just saying you want to and staying together because you want to break up means nothing at all, and after 7 months of not being able to sort this there really is little hope of it ever happening. That's nearly one third of your relationship where you and he have not got on at all.
Forget this bullshit about texts, distance etc and start thinking long and hard about what the bickering means. It may well mean that you and he just won't work.
So think about that stuff for the next time he calls over, you need to sit down and talk this out. If you need to write out a list of problems you've found then do that but you need to discuss everything and if you can't do that without it becoming another fight then you have no communication and you may aswell end it right then and there.
Sort out the real issues here OP, because frankly you're kind of making an issue out of another petty thing, it's not that important, you have bigger things to deal with.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 December 2013):
 If you had been fighting every single day, of course there would be a distance happening. The residual effects of constant fighting and conflict would be to avoid it. You never mentioned what the fighting was about, but every specific fight you mentioned on here was started by you. I'm not saying that it's your fault. I'm simply saying that if there are a lot of fights, eventually the "fightee" is going to avoid being around the "fighter". Even when there isn't fighting, the emotions associated with the conflict remain, and eventually, just being around you will set off an ache in the pit of his stomach.
You have to break that cycle if you don't want to break up with him, and that involves the root of the fights. Are you willing to accept him, as he is, not changing a thing, not pushing or nagging, not criticizing? If the answer is "no", then you shouldn't be together, and the relationship has hit its expiration date.
If he's the one starting the fights with you and then getting distant, then the relationship has run its course.
He has to associate feeling good with being around you, because now, your resentment has made it to that any time eventually comes back to the conflict. "giving him time" isn't enough in this case. You and he have to return to the basics, meaning going out on adventures and getting to know one another again.
As for the gaming, I don't see enough to show addiction in this case. You could substitute that with "he's out having a drink" with his friend, or "he's out playing soccer" or "he's out fixing his cars". I think it's a means to avoid stress and unwind, because for whatever reason, being with you isn't unwinding.
It's easy to get into patterns. You could go to him hoping that the day won't end in a fight, only to feel yourself slipping back into it, only at the end feeling like it's not you.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 December 2013):
I wonder if he is developing a gaming addiction? It's an increasingly growing problem world wide. People become so immerged in the virtual world, they literally ignore the real world around them. For men, in particular it gives them a way to escape reality and shut out problems.
He does not want to split with you but he is prepared to let the relationship slide and let go some of his responsibility to keep things going. There is not much you can do about that...it's his problem and he is just expecting you to go along with his lack of attention.
Sadly, you are going to find a lot of men do this and it's a toss up between accepting the scraps that someone gives you or ending things and moving on.
The problem is, the more you object and complain, the more, he will shut down so you have to ask yourself how much you really mean to him?...what value does he put on his relationship?
Texting 100 times a day is sustainable but he should at least make an effort when he sees you.
Most men hate drama and you will quickly be accused of starting some if you make a fuss...but that is hardly solving the problem. I think I'd be inclined to lay my cards on the table and just calmly tell him that things are not working out and there is either change and effort or it's goodbye.
You also have to consider the natural order of twenty and thirty something women in long term relationships...they will expect commitment, marriage (possibly) and most likely starting a family. Men can be very resistant to these life events and put them off for as long as possible, so conflict ensues when passions die down...it can be a very difficult time.
You have to be clear about your needs and expectations because if you never discuss these things, he will be confused and you will be left clinging on. If he doesn't want long term commitment and a plan for the future then you could be wasting your time.
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