A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so confused and need help. My long term boyfriend has asked for a break recently. We have been fighting because of being frustrated with life issues ( we work opposite shitfs, we don't get to see each other that much, he still lives in at his mum although we are renting a flat together ). When he asked for space 2 weeks ago I was shocked, confused, and devastated, because anyway, we didn't spend much time together and the distance was the cause of our fights anyway. I begged him to come back. He didnt. He said he is not split up with me, he is doing this to save us, because of our fights, he is very stressed with work and needs to concentrate on it for a while. He even gave me a time frame, 3 or 4 weeks. I didn't know how to take this I was so upset. I asked him wether he means splitting up and begged him for honesty again so we know where we stand. He has met me twice since then and reassured me he hasnt got anyone else he still wants to spend his life with me just that now he needs some time on his own. And also he is very angry with me ( because of the fights we used to have). I don't even dare raise my points being afraid not to lose him. My best friend's opinion is that ours is a dramatic immature relatinship anyway where I am the submissive one and he is controlling me and that now he is stringing me along and I deserve better than a man who isn't capable of committing to me as he had promised in the past( for example, moving in with me proper). For one year he has told me ‘next month, next month’ he will move in properly. Yet it never happened, hence the fights , me constantly wanting answers, and him avoiding them or snapping at me. But I hang aound.. I have had patience, as he asked me…. I love him to bits but I also feel betrayed by his sudden need of space. I mean, he was the one in the past who used to do all the courting and chasing me up and declaring his love all the time!... when I gave in to him.. things changed... many a time I needed his emotional support yet he was not there.I am confused, and I feel my needs have never been even heard, but I love this guy to bits. I noticed that if I dont text him as often, he will text me to say he loves me etc. We are having our break and I am coping.. going to movies with my friends, I’m getting a new haircut, I'll also get my first tattoo ever. My bf says he can't wait to see my new look although he loves the old me too. My gut feeling tells me that in love, the partners stick for each other and do not punish each other with breaks and things like this... so I am swaying whether this guy really loves me or not. Or am I being too forcefull and selfish here wanting only my way, to be with him the way I want it - as he puts it?Down to my question now: Should I go out and be unfaithfull on the sly to him if he wants to split up with me, then emotionally I have secured a safe place for me. But if he wants to get back together, I would feel guilty as hell. What should I do ?I am only considering being unfaithful because I have had a huge break up in the past that I never saw coming and that really caught me unaware and took me a long time to recover from. This time I want to make sure number 1 is ok. Do you thiknk morally I am wrong or right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell... an update.. Things are coming back to normal now.. break is over and he is appologetic and says he will fix up all the hurt that he had caused. I told him I am not sure I want him anymoer and I myself need some time off soon. Told him our trust is broken now and something inside me is lost and I dont think things will ever be the same. I never through he would give me this trauma, I though he would be the last person int he world to do that.. thats why I was so schocked.. SO this time apart I made sure I got some life back. I griefed and cried and behaved like I had been dumped, so emotionally I got myself out of the relationship. I also have met 5 new people and one very nice and intelligent guy that i would like to know better. NOthing serious, it's just a refreshing feeling to see there is a whole world out there and nothign evolves just around one relationship. so we shall see... thanky ou all for all your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cant bear this no contact.. I think it's so disconsiderate.. I would rather finisht he relationship now than being kept on the shelf like this. My friends tell me he is playng control games. Should I contact him and put him on the spot? At the end of the day, the ecision to give a go to our relationship or give it up is there inside him, he just hasnt brought himself to spell it out. SHould I put him on the spot?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you think he is stringing me along? I texted him today asking him to set me free if he intends to split up because i cannot live withthis doubt it messes me up, and i'll be eternally grateful to him for making it easy for me to move on, now after my anger has gone. he texted back saying he will be back, not to go anywhere and to keep positive. is he stringing me along? Emily I am taking your advice, i am thinking hard whether this guy really can fulfill my needs. I am living for the potential fulfillment of my fantasy and yet even now he tells me not to leave because he will be back. Oh gosh... what do you think? will he ever meet half way int his relaitonship?or am i being strung along- as i feel i have been until now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell. He agreed to such a break. But he wanted 3 weeks off. I told him my needs have to be considered as well and if I don't hear from him in 2 weeks I am gone, Enough of this mind f_____ing. He said sorry for all the harm he has don ein the past and that he needs this break to save us because he knows he has been pushing me away too much andhe doesnt want to lose me because he loves me very much, also he is working extra hours until january to take advantage of the christmas job demand. What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother thing that I have suggested to him. He is still not willing to forgive me for all the strifes we used to have ( although the strifes were because he didn’t want to approach the moving in subject ) . He brings back things from the past, things that I used to de BEFORE I started dating him. I feel my hands are tied he s looking for excuses to paint me a bad picture. I am not discussing or defending myself anymore in such absurd accusations.
Have you seen Sex And The City - the movie? What the marriage counsellour suggested to Miranda and her husband: Obviously they couldn’t go forward with their trust issues so after discussing everything that upset them (and disagreeing of course), they were to have 2 weeks away from each other with no contact at all. No calls no texts no cheating no excuses to touch base. Then after these 2 weeks of reflecting, if they felt able to put a stop to the past and let it go and not bring it up anymore, to forgive, they were to meet at a set date in a set place . Showing up makes the statement that they are willing to move forward and not bring the past anymore. I suggested that to my bf and we will meet up tomorrow to lay the exact terms of it. What do you think? Am I having silly hopes here or really trying to give this the best chance I can? It’snot about tsleeping with others.. Please any feedback is so so so appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is what I’ve done without my boyfriend knowing:
I have terminated the tenancy contract of our place together .
I am due to move out at the beginning=g of January.
This was easy to do, as my name only was on the rent contract and my boyfriend always paid me his share of the rent in cash.
I have not told him this. I intend to tell him on the moving day, or not tell him at all. Let him ring the buzzer on a weekend day when he feels like coming around for some sex.
I have thought about what you said Emily, and maybe this guy is not worth it as much . I intend to go into flat share, gain some of my integrity back, and if he indeed loves me so much I will let him do all the flat hunting, and to put his name on the contract, and maybe then I would decide whether or not to forgive him for all the delusions he has given me.
What do you think? Do you think this is a fair way out? I want it to hit home to him… Relationships are hard work, last thing they need is for partners to keep cards hidden up their sleeve and not reveal their true intentions and feelings about things. And I stayed in this one believing his words and I compromised so much I have almost lost myself.
A technicality of keeping this decision secret form his is also the possibility of him not paying me the remaining rent until I move out. I want him to realise that he cant take me for granted.
I will explain to him that I don’t hate him, door is still open to him, but now it’s his turn to take the lead in this relationship to make it work.
This way I will know the answers in my heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell he is calling me now when i dont contact him as often and is all so loving and would like to see me sometime next week. tough chance. I just realised, the best way not to get hurt in life is to keep yourself to yourself and do your thing and don't let on to others too much of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEmily, what you wrote I heardfrom my friends countless times. About clinging to a fantasy and never really evaluating if this guy will really ever fdulfill my needs... It's so hard to re-evaluate everything now when I got sucked in in this huge expectations whirpool with him, and he saw it happenign right under his eyes yet never had he told me to hold my horses and not jump the gun. A whole year... Plus the datign before that...We been talking about how wonderufl it will be 'in the future', but yet, he cannot give me clear specific answers about how he plans to go about it. Awiserowl, thank you for encouraging me. I dont want to get back at him by having sex with others; Sex is the last thing on my mind. But just like you said, he can't complain I try to be happy as long as he is unavailable to me. I have been living for this man for the last year and forgot how it is to have fun wiithout him. I feel I have given him too much of my emotional energy and maybe going out and being a bit silly will help me.
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male
reader, Awiserowl +, writes (8 November 2008):
He wants a break so it is entirely up to you if you go out with someone else. He can't complain if you get attached to someone else can he?
On the other hand to have sex with someone just to get at him is wrong and would probably only make you feel worse about yourself.
Sounds to me like this man wants the best of all worlds and is afraid of commitment. He is a mummys boy as well and you would be better off without him. It's a big world out there, go and enjoy it.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (8 November 2008):
Hang on slow down, you love him you love him you live him... you want to have sex with someone else?
He's asked for a break so he can get his head together, to see if getting away from the fighting is a huge relief or to see if he really misses you.
I think you need to do the same. Sit and THINK - NOT about how much you love him and how mean he is and how you are the victim and should try and get back at him by sleeping around. Think about whether this relationship is really worth the bother. Is the whole melodramatic "But I Love Him!!!" bit really just a way of life you've got into.
Can you really see yourself being happy with this guy 10 years down the line? Or will you always be there going "well x y and z aren't right and it's horrible but I LOVE HIMMMMMMM!!!"
Try and put your emotions aside for a bit and work out what you want from the man you are with. If you don't think that your current boyfriend can be that guy then split up with him then walk away.
Don't go off and have sex behind his back. What could that possibly achieve apart from more drama?
Do you get the feeling that the drama is all you have in this relationship?
Good Luck!! xx
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