A
female
age
51-59,
*onderland
writes:My boyfriend is into S and M (bondage) He doesn't want to do it with me because he thinks I'm only doing it to please him. Our sex is not great. He complains that he cant get into it because the S and M is what turns him on the most. He is meeting one of his "mistresses" tonight to see if this is what he really wants (he quit since he met me) I said I feel a bit strange about it but said go ahead. They don't actually have intercourse but there's alot of whipping slapping fondling etc...Would you consider this cheating? I can't relax knowing that he's with another women right now.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 January 2012):
 Wiseoldman is right, if your guy needs a professional "mistress", he wants to be the submissive one. You can't just try to please him, that defeats the whole object. With a "mistress" only her needs are important, and he has no say at all. You can't really pretend to be in control, unless you understand the mindset and the whole S&M thing.
The thing about kinks, they don't just disappear or go away, they are often picked up when we are young and they stay with you until death. It's as if you married a homosexual man. Sure a homosexual man can love you, sure he can have sex with you and give you children, but he'll hate the sex and will always be dreaming about being with a man... same thing goes for your partner, that's why the sex is crap.
Sex and love are not the same thing. He loves you, so he wants to be with you, and he promises to give up S&M. But he can't make his body react how he wants, he can't find your normal sex making a turn on. That's the way he's built. Not your fault, not his, some people like vanilla, some like chocolate. Wanting submission within sex isn't just a want, for people into S&M it is a need.
Your options
1. Allow him to see a professional "mistress" but demand no touching or no sex... usually easy because mistresses don't touch or have sex, they humiliate men and beat them.
2. Learn about S&M and introduce it into your sex play... Don't ask him, he's the slave, if you want to join him in this type of play, get a whip and don't ask him for permission.. your guy will totally love it.
3. Leave him.. you and he may in love, but your sex needs are so different that it will ruin the relationship.
Cheating is whatever you want it to be... Is it cheating for a man to force himself to have sex with you, all the time hating it and dreaming of someone else. It's your life, no one else's, the question is always, how much do you love him and how much of this can you stand.
A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (6 January 2012):
Note that he said he's meeting a professional mistress rather than a professional submissive. (Both exist) Well, he's correct on one count- he'll neither have intercourse with her, touch her sexually or see her naked- she won't allow it as the lack is part of her allure. But why would you want to go out with some submissive guy who wants to grovel on the floor, be tied up, spanked, thrashed with a riding crop, likes licking women's boots, and undoubtedly also enjoys stuff like 'forced feminization' which means being dressed up as a woman and fully made up by his paid paramour for the humiliation factor, before being given a good 'seeing-to' with her strap-on?
No wonder he doesn't want you around when it happens. Find yourself a real man whom you can respect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): When did you know about his sexual practices? He gave up the S and M to be in a relationship with you? But has gone back on his word? THAT would be dishonest and that would be a reason why you are now struggling. He misrepresented himself and hid true intentions.Also if S and M is his only way to get aroused suggests fetish. That it effects your quality of your relationship suggests it has progressed to dangerous fetishism. Which means it controls him and not the other way around.If he doesn't want you to satisfy this fetish- then he should definitely not be dating any woman who is not able to provide this for him.His dishonesty about it all and inability to be open and discuss it has caused another undue harm and that is BULLCRAP.Now he thinks its fair, healthy even, honest, to say well I need it and you have to be okay with it and then leave after you are sad, in shock and not sure what to do.I agree you should have said a HELL NO if you felt this strongly about it.I say he already made it clear to you, you are not for him as he decided for you both you will NOT be that woman for him. Mismatch indeed.Time to Walk.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 January 2012):
 I think it is cheating, and I think you only gave him your "permission" because you want to keep him. You are obviously not OK with it, and you need to talk to him.
Personally, I would let him go, you two are not very well matched when it comes to physical intimacy. Or would he be OK if you sleep with another guy to get YOUR grove on?
Unless you can handle an "open" relationship, I don't see why you should stay and "suffer" in silence.
I would so not be OK with this either.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 January 2012):
 I don’t consider it cheating because he cleared it with you. I define cheating as ANYTHING you can’t won’t or don’t tell your partner. Since he told you it’s not cheating IN MY RULES.
The problem is you apparently told him to go do it… I would have said NO… I agree if he NEEDS the BDSM to get off and YOU cannot provide it for him or he does not WANT YOU to do so but rather wants another to do so then you are sexually mismatched and need to end the relationship. My current partner met me when I was in an OPEN marriage and he just ASSUMED we would continue an OPEN relationship… he got the shock of his life when I said NO to others. He accepted it. He’s not THRILLED about it but it’s what I’m comfortable with so he accepts it. If later on down the road he finds something he wants to play with I will have to re-evaluate how important physical fidelity is to me (it’s not very important to me I’d rather have emotional fidelity any day of the week)
How long have you two been a committed couple? Have you never tried BDSM and are you interested in trying it with him? Have you told him that you are? If you have told him but he can’t slot you in that role then the relationship is doomed.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (5 January 2012):
 Hello,
Oh dear this is cheating with permission. He will share very intimate stuff with a lady even if it is a "game." These games include all kinds of control scenarios with objects and clothes and fetish behaviour with shoes and worship. He did probably stop this while with you but now it seems he cant control things. You are in a position here and you must be uncomfortable with it. I know you may have the idea that it is slapping etc but some of this includes very intimate worship of the lady. I'd say it is cheating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): no it's not cheating because he consulted you first and you gave your consent. If you weren't OK with it then why did you tell him to go ahead??
unfortunately I think this relationship has run its course. if he's really unsatisfied with your relationship, and you just can't (or won't?) do things the way he wants, then this is a dead end. You can't force someone not to want something that they want. It's best to just move on.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 January 2012):
 Because you are sexually mismatched .
Either he accepts to give up his S and M games that you are not comfortable with , or you accept to try being exposed to S and M ( slowly and gradually ) and see if you get to like it a bit ( you never know ) -or you just part ways.
Keeping a relationship going where he is going to regularly cheat on you with your reluctant permission is just absurd.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 January 2012):
Yes it is cheating. it is done with another person than you , for the purpose of getting sexual arousal first then sexual release . It is a sexual act - even in lack of a classic penis-vagina contact.
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A
female
reader, wonderland +, writes (5 January 2012):
wonderland is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno i am not ok with it. I cant sleep knowing he is with someone else even if there is no intercourse. He is living out his sexual fantasies with another and that is very hurtful. I just do not understand it...why cant i be the one pleasing him?? There is no use resuming this relationship if i cant please him in the way his mistress can. damn this sucks :(
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 January 2012):
 It *is* cheating.
Do you know how old the excuse: "You can't satisfy me, so I feel entitled to get it elsewhere" is?
As old as adultery itself.
It's not your fault that he got tangled up in a fetish. You must leave him because if the tables were turned, and you were to inform him that he wasn't meeting your emotional needs and that you must sleep with another guy in order to enjoy the slow kissing he doesn't want to do (or insert your favorite thing), he'd have a fit.
He is cheating on you, and you must find someone else who would never put you in this position.
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