A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I hate rules in a relationship and I trust my boyfriend very much, and trust that he wont ever cheat. But he enjoys to go on alone trips with other female friends of his, where they will sleep together in a small tent (shoulder to shoulder) or be alone in cabins. He has also described how he and these females he takes on trips can end up being very intimate, sitting close to each other, sleeping close to each other, and that being alone out in nature makes people more intimate in general.A particular woman he goes on these trips with is a woman he used to be in love with for years. He wants to continue to go on these trips with her and him alone, and alone trips with his other female friends, and he wants me to be ok with it!Honestly, Im not ok with it. But I don't really have a right to tell him not to go on these trips, do I? So, any one out there who ever went on trips alone with a person that was not your partner? How intimate did you get, and how normal is this really? Should I just try to find ways to be ok with it, or what can I tell him?I already told him that it makes me uncomfortable, especially that he will go alone with the woman he used to be in love with. She used to get a lot of his attention, and appears to still think he's hers, in the sense that after he got together with me she complains about his lack of attention to her. My boyfriend is willing to not go on these alone trips... for now! He expects me to be ok with it in the future, and hopefully soon. I don't know how I can? And is him going on these trips really ok? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): I'm sorry but this completely inappropriate and disrespectful to you and your relationship. He does not respect you. Ask yourself why you're settling for this? He's doing it because you allow it. This is not ok.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): Wow you are in quite a bit of denial. It is probably because you are so young and have romantic ideals but you will look back later and see clearly what hurts too much for you to see now. In no way could this ever be innocent but you are thinking like a girl and not like a guy who has different motiviations. Your guy is like any other guy, virgin or not.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 April 2011):
But he's not devoted to you emotionally really, is he? He was in love with this woman, and is going away with her. His response to your concerns is effectively "get used to it". This isn't normal.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 April 2011):
 Sorry, poster, but I agree with Caring and the female anonymous poster.
I live in a different society and we are not as open as Scandinavians are. In my humble opinion, this shouldn't be happening and you shouldn't need to ask. I think you know this, but, if you do ask, is because the man has done his magic tricks to make you think you're unreasonable. You're not. As the female anonymous says, try to go with a male you were in love with, and sleep in the same cabin, to see what he says.
I think you should draw a line in the sand: either he stops doing it, or off he goes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is not a former lover, the title got it wrong. It is a woman he used to be in love with, but she has been in a relationship all along with her own boyfriend. This is his first ever relationship (he was a virgin when we met, and hasn't even kissed another woman since he was 13), and I guess when he sees that these girls are each in their own relationship, and yet their boyfriends don't have a problem with them going on these trips, he thinks it's ok to do this!
I tried to tell him I don't like him being intimate with another woman like this, but he really doesn't see why it is a problem.
CaringGuy, he doesn't collect women. I am his first girlfriend and he is devoted to me emotionally, and I do not question is loyalty to me at all. It's just that he doesn't see a problem with going on these trips as he is just friends with these women. If it was a male friend he went with it'd be ok, so why shouldn't it be ok with a female friend. That is the logic anyhow.
How can I tell him that I don't want him to go on these trips, and will it not sound like I am trying to control him?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 April 2011):
Okay, I'll dive in and just say that you'd be INSANE to go out with this guy. He collects women. You're just another one in the collection. I'm not naturally a paranoid, mistrusting person. But even I would make a run for it if my girlfriend was going out alone with every ex lover and expecting me to be happy with it.
I have no doubt in my mind that you can do better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): Why would you even have to ask if this is normal. Of course its not normal!! Go on a trip with an ex of yours and see how he likes it. And if it doesn't bother him, then you shouldn't be together. A relationship isn't about getting intimate with other women. I feel stupid for even having to tell you that.
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