A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this is somewhat lengthy, but I am in desperate need of good advice so I want you to know as much as possible. Thanks in advance!!My best friend and I have been basically dating for 7 months. As in we had sex regularly, went on dates, hung out daily, and spent the night with each other 5-6 nights a week. I love her dearly and want a relationship, but she just wants me as a friend right now in hopes that it will work out later for us after college. I had made a promise to her 2 months into it that I would always be there for her because I wanted to and she had told me every guy in her life had broken that promise. Thinking that might help, I think it has put me in a bad situation because she doesn’t treat me like she should because she thinks I will be here no matter what. She was in this chemistry class with a friend of mine and became study buddies. With her being quite attractive, I was cautious and kept my eye open. After being done with the class, they hung out a few times without me, which I was not okay with and was very mad about it. This past week I met up with her at a bar and find him there. She and I briefly talked and then mingled around talking to our friends there. I later glance over and see her hanging on his arm like they are together and said what are you doing. She acted like a bitch to me so I left. I have come to find out that she likes him(supposedly b/c he’s a player and gives her a chase) and they have hooked up. The next day she knew I was upset about something and said she was really drunk and had no idea what happened, but wanted to fix whatever it was. I ignored her the whole day and after 34 missed calls, numerous texts begging me to talk to her and asking to take me on a date, I sent her this text. “In addition to what you said to me last night, I know you hooked up with XX. I'm sick of being treated like this and will not deal with it any longer. I do not and will not be played anymore. I've been there for you more than anyone else in your life and am tired of being hurt. I want to be in your life as your boyfriend, not some guy friend that gets pushed to the side. If you want XX thats fine, but just know i'm out of your life. I know I shouldn't do this again because I’m sure ill get hurt once again, but this is your last chance that you will ever have so it's up to you” She was extremely upset and said she doesn’t deserve this and shouldn’t have to pick between two “friends”. Wouldn’t agree to no longer be friends with him because she thinks I will give into my ultimatum as I typically would. I stopped talking to her and haven’t talked since.(4 days now)This has really freaked her out because we have never gone more than a day without talking to each other. She has sent texts telling me she loves me, misses me, and goodnight every night, which I have ignored. My mom also told me she talked to her and told her “This is killing me. He’s my best friend. He keeps me sane. Idk if I will come back to school there if he won’t even talk to me.” I do not want to loose her, but am doing this hoping that she will see that I will not be there if she is like that and that she needs figure out if she really wants me or not and to show me the respect I deserve. Should I still follow through with the ultimatum or talk with her and come to a compromise?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 December 2012):
 Honestly, she sounds like a drama queen and is missing her posse. You have put far more meaning into this than she has and no amount of attempted emotional blackmail on your part is going to suddenly make her mature.
She wakes up in the morning and looks in the mirror and sees a single person. That's what she wants to be.
You wake up in the morning, look in your mirror and what's reflected is a guy who wants a commitment.
These two images are not going to wind up on the same path.
I think you're facing the transition to the new 'normal.' Which will not be you as boyfriend and girlfriend.
Here are the possible scenarios. She decides she can't live without you as her only man. Unlikely. She's already shown she's still interested in other men.
She decides to give you a chance as a boyfriend because you've basically emotionally blackmailed her into doing that. Things will be seemingly okay for a while, but she will be feeling resentment at being trapped and maneuvered into a relationship she was doing everything she could to avoid. That's the course you are trying to steer right now.
You decide to go back to talking to her, she relies on her 'best friend' for whatever emotional nurturing you provide for her while she carries on dating whom she wants.
You have this shared secret of the pregnancy and no doubt that was all very traumatic. Did she receive post-abortion counseling? That might have been good.
You're trying to get something that patently she isn't interested in providing.
How do YOU see that ending?
No amount of radio silence is going to change that. You can ignore her for weeks but it's not going to fundamentally change her. Sorry.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 December 2012):
 This is a very unbalanced situation you put yourself in, and the " shall I call her shall I not ? " is a false problem, because unluckily whatever you do, you have made yourself quite vulnerable and not by her doing but by your own choice.
There is nothing that you can reproach to this girl. She has been adamant and crystal clear- sex and hanging out and affection, yes- committment and official relationship ,no. Why ? Because she wants to be free, to meet and date and fuck other guys too, I don't say she is actively seeking somebody, but surely if it happens she won't say " no " because of you.
For her , you are only friends with benefits, and for once in a literal, true sense, not the euphemistic one that's generally used. She gets the benefits of great conversation, companionship, affection, which she surely appreciates, STILL being free to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. Nice deal if you can get it- and she could. You said yes to this situation, you knew what it could entail, and now you get all grumpy and bellyaching because ...? I understand that this hurts you , and it's normal it does, but what you exactly could reproach to this girl, what do you want from her ?
That she accepts your many strings- attached friendship ? I.e. , "I'll be your best friend if you promise to never hook up with anybody ?"... talk about unconditional love:), or unconditional friendship in your case.
In fact, I think SHE could be mad at you if she wanted . YOU reneged on her promise to always be there for her, always, no matter what , whatever happens. What happens is that she hooks up with a guy, and you start freaking out, acting distant, playing games ? I would be rather pissed off if I were her. Always means always. She explained you the situation honestly, if it was not of your liking you did not have to go for it.
I think that you can't be friends with someone you are in love with. I think that ultimately you'll have to realize that you cannot be ,basically, dating... someone who does not mean to be dating you . I think that ,all in all, it may hurt now but basically it would benefit you to back off and not try to carry on at all costs this painful friendship in which she wants a friend ( and sex buddy ) and you want a girlfriend and a committed lover.
I am sure you are not in a place yet where you can see the wisdom of letting go , so you'll probably hang in there nails and teeth and get hurt some more in the process. So, I can just wish you sincerely good luck, and that you may find soon a better balance between what you wish and what you get. Perhaps with another person ,never say never :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPart of the whole lack of willingness to commit on her part could be because she is also not as mature as I, and not exactly past her party years.(She's 20)
It was my 21st birthday and we had sex while I was extremely drunk, so I just neglected to use one that one time so of course with my luck... she gets pregnant. No one knows about it beside her roommate and roommates boyfriend(the guy that helping with all this). Both of our families would probably be distraught if they found out. Why do you find my choice of words so interesting?
I agree with you about calling it 'best friends', but she refuses to call us anything more than best friends, so I guess I just go with it. It was basically a relationship with all the benefits, except she didn't want to have the tied down part and feel like she couldn't do things or publicize it(facebook.. whatever). The first serious relationship she had took up her whole first part of college and said she just wanted to be free for what she had left without a relationship.
I'm not playing around by any means.. I am being completely honest and telling you what I think is most important and relevant to the situation at hand. But yes, the pregnancy was a significant even in both our lives. The only other thing I can think of that I haven't put was that I purchased a $2000 David Yurman ring for her birthday(last month) and told her it was hers as long as we were always friends... so yeah I guess have everything on the list covered.
I know I have made allot of mistakes in this relationship and would be done differently again for the pure sake of my future with her. I wouldn't have 'given her all the goodies' or perks of a relationship until we were official and would have cared less because she likes a chase and I should have been giving her one all this time....
To be honest, I have never been hurt more in life. I am speechless that this has happened and am not coping with it well at all. I'm trying to be strong and am reaching out to get other peoples opinions as yourself for the best solution that I hope will not only make me happy, but include her too. She gave my life meaning and im not what quite sure what it is without her.
I understand that there is probably no best answer that can help me, but I really appreciate your help and the opinions you have given me. The mean more than you think. Back to the whole contacting her.. do you think I should ignore her for a couple more weeks to make her think that I really don't care to talk to her anymore or just talk to her later this week and see how she feels about the situation?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 December 2012):
So the relationship is less than a year old and you've had a pregnancy and abortion to deal with.
Interesting choice of words. One man might say, "I got her pregnant." You said, "recently being unintentionally impregnated(by me)." What, did you not wear a condom?
Does your mom know about the pregnancy and abortion?
Characterizing the relationship as 'best friends' is a bit disingenuous, isn't it? Leaving significant facts out of the original question suggests you are trying to direct the aunts to reach a certain consensus. The slowly doled out little zingers suggest you are either in denial or are in a playful mood with the aunts here.
What else haven't you told us?
Well, as she has only been in your life for less than a year, you've gone through some significant life challenges and she has hasn't fallen over herself to keep you as a boyfriend, I'd suggest you not buy a ring.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe besides the happiness that we bring each other and the fact that I would feel like a part of me is missing(probably her too judging her reaction over the past few days). A family member of hers was lost so that was hard for both of us, as well as her recently being unintentionally impregnated(by me). Although, I am pro life we had to make the very difficult choice of abortion for a number of reasons, so this was hard on us and our relationship for the past month and half.I meet her about this time last year, so not long in comparison to allot of other friendships, but long enough to know everything about each other. We didn't really start to become close friends until April though, then sex and dating behavior once moving back to college in August.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 December 2012):
How long have you been best friends, by the way?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 December 2012):
To "comfort one another?" Are you in some sort of sad situation?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I wish I hadn't made that promise and that I had been there less because I have always dropped what I was doing for her. We have until January to sort things out, but my friend thinks this is the perfect opportunity for her to see what it's like without me see that im not giving in this time(which I pray that I will be able to do).I kinda said that figuratively... We are just always there to comfort one another. Without each other, it will just be really hard and depressing I feel like.Do you think I should cease all contact from her for a couple weeks then pick things back up or just keep communication to a bare minimum?Thank you again for your help!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 December 2012):
You told her you would always be there no matter what. So you've basically trained her that you will be there as a 'friend'... She's trained you too... are you aware of how?
You're holding out hope that she will wake up and realize she and you should be girlfriend/boyfriend. She's holding out hope that things will continue as always.
Maybe it's time to see how things play out without each other for a while. And maybe her not being in school with you is the next step in that.
You said you are worried about your sanity. That's a bit worrying. Is that a figure of speech or are you at some sort of risk?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both!!Tisha-1,To answer your question about my last two sentences...No I do no want to loose her as in not be apart of my life. If I didn't have any other choice and knew it would never ever work out that way, i'd still want her in my life because she is that important to me but I really dont want that. These past 4 days have been harder than anything I have ever gone through.I think that because she has always thought that I would be there no matter what, that she thinks she can do whatever now and me still be there in the end like she wants. I am hoping that this(ignoring her) is going to bring out in her what she really wants from me and if she really does want to be with me because i honestly think somewhere inside her she does.My friend that is helping me allot has told me not to cave(which I usually do and let her get her way) and continue ignoring her for a couple more weeks because it will make her miss me and realize what it's like without me as well as give her the same "chase" she likes in the other guy. The only thing I am concerned about by waiting that long to not talk to her is 1)my sanity and 2)risking her deciding not to come back to school here. Tuition is due this Friday. Should I wait and still give the cold shoulder or sit her down and talk later this week to see how she feels about it after not talking 5-6 days?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 December 2012):
If she wanted to be your girlfriend, she'd be your girlfriend. Her mistake was entering into a sexual relationship with you which gave you the idea that you would be something more than friends.
She wants to keep her dating options open. You want to remove the options and commit to her. She's not going to 'cave' and become your girlfriend now. She's made her intentions really clear to you.
I think it's time to acknowledge that she is not going to be with you in the way YOU and and it's time for her to realize that you are not going to be with her in the way SHE wants.
The friendship, alas, is a casualty of the conflicting desires.
One thing I want to point out to you, about your last two sentences: "I do not want to loose her, but am doing this hoping that she will see that I will not be there if she is like that and that she needs figure out if she really wants me or not and to show me the respect I deserve. Should I still follow through with the ultimatum or talk with her and come to a compromise?"
You do not wish to lose her how? As a friend? As a girlfriend? Because if you mean that you don't want to lose her entirely, then you will have to be content with the label of 'friends only.' When you say, 'show me the respect I deserve,' do you mean to say that she has to agree to be your girlfriend? Or agree not to go out with your friends?
What sort of compromise is there? That you browbeat her into acting as your girlfriend when she so clearly doesn't want to commit to any one person, including her best friend? Another option is that you go back to being 'just friends,' take the romantic dates and sex off the menu and then watch her hook up with other guys.
I think you should recognize that this relationship has changed to the extent that it won't ever be the same. She needs to do this as well.
I personally could tell you to follow through on your ultimatum, because an ultimatum, once issued, becomes a meaningless threat if it isn't enforced. It sounds like you've issued ultimatums in the past?
In the future, don't make promises like you'll be there forever no matter what until you KNOW you are boyfriend/girlfriend. You assumed. She led you on.
It's not very nice of her but she has been pretty clear since then where you stand with her.
Don't become 'just friends' with girls who you may have a romantic interest in... it's going to lead to disappointment for you.
Sorry for your upheaval but it's not your job to make her feel better and I think it's a really bad idea go back to being sidekick and sex on tap for her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 December 2012):
 here's the issue:
you want more than friends
she does not.
you can't cope
you need to walk away and risk never seeing her again.
there is no compromise in this case... you want what you want and she does not... it hurts you too much to see her find other men... I'd walk away.
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