A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I moved to another state to be with a man I lived with for 5 years. He moved here to be with his daughter in the mean time I met another guy back home who treated me like a queen for the short time I knew him. He wants me to move back and be with him again the new guy that is. My man of 5 years there is a baby mama in the picture. My new man is married swears he is getting a divorce what do I do.
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female
reader, R1  +, writes (27 October 2013):
 These ralationships are all very dysfunctional. Neither is a good option. Seems like you need a good support network - friends, family etc. get some support and try to work through whatever is really going on here.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (26 October 2013):
 Thank you for replying :)
If the MM has shown you his divorce papers and it's all really happening then fair enough, but you didn't tell us that in your original post. You just said he was married!
Just a point to note, has SHE signed the papers? Have you seen and do you know it's definitely his wife's signature? Anyone can pick up divorce papers and fill them in, more to the point why has he got them, shouldn't they be signed and returned to the court? Why are they still in his possession? Smells fishy to me. I'd be inclined to wait until he has his absolute and is ACTUALLY free.
Your boyfriend is sleeping with the mother of his child and cheating on her with you, another thing you failed to mention. But YOU are putting up with it!
Either way, you're not wrong, this situation IS emotional "bs".
You are all treating each other badly and allowing yourselves to be treated in the same way!
I think you need to live where YOU want too, based on job opportunities, friends and family.
I think you need to be free from both these men and start finding out what makes you happy, decide what you would like for a future and then make it happen.
You have lived too long in other peoples shadows being manipulated by selfish men. It might help you to talk through your emotions with a counsellor to find out why you're attracted to men who treat you badly.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I met the daughter, had the woman to woman talk with baby mama, she made it clear that she wants him. He made it clear to her he is staying with her til we get our own place. Maybe we should go to a shelter or something I don't know. Can't stay where I'm staying my relatives hate him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 October 2013):
 But what about what YOU want?
"He begged me to come here. I found a job here MM wants me to quit and go home"
So your BF is not really your BF, you are his "little on the side" because he is living with his "babymama" or as I would call her, his GirlFriend.
How about you focus on what YOU want instead of what the men in your life wants?
As for the MM, I would step away from him til the divorce is final. FOCUS on you.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (26 October 2013):
 If the guy you moved with is cheating on you, leave him. He can only treat you like crap if you stick around and allow him to treat you that way. You're a grown woman and you know and deserve better. I'm sorry you uprooted your life back home to move with him before you found out he was a liar and a cheat... but now that you know this about him, I truly believe your best option is to cut your losses and end the relationship as opposed to investing any more time in the guy.As for the man in the process of divorcing... there's nothing that says you can't go back to him, but why not wait a few extra months for the divorce to be final so you can start your relationship with him on fresh and drama-free footing? If you don't wait for it to be official, you run the risk of his friends and family ASSUMING that you're a homewrecker even though you're not. You may have really good reason to be informed of the timeline surrounding his initial filing for divorce but they don't, and what they'll see is a woman who got together with their friend/relative "right around" the time he left his wife. These are people who are going to be in the life you and he would build together for the long term, so it's worth waiting the extra time to make sure they don't hate or judge you sight unseen just based off conclusions they've jumped to. People are likely to gossip anyway so it's best that you minimize the fuel available to them to do so.Tell the MM you'll be happy to start seeing him again when the divorce is final and explain your reasons - if he's genuinely interested in a future with you, he'll wait. If not, he's not worth your time.Good luck and best wishes :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are all cheating on each other, I want out of this dysfunctional BS, he is sleeping with baby mama, MM said he hasn't had sex with his wife for years and is getting a divorce, I have seen the papers I am no homewrecker. I am living with a relative, boyfriend of 5 years is living with baby mama. He begged me to come here. I found a job here, MM wants me to quit and go home.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): Is MM living separately from his soon-to-be-ex-wife and in the middle of the whole legal red tape of getting a divorce, or is he still living with her and playing "husband"? Either way, you need (in my opinion) to make it clear to MM that until he is legally divorced and living WITHOUT her (not with you or another woman, by himself), you are NOT going to be flirting/dating/sleeping together. In fact, you *probably* shouldn't even be talking to him. His soon-to-be-ex may be a total tool, but you still have to respect her feelings and the fact that they're still married. And yes, if there are children involved, you're going to have to somehow witness part of that drama as well (he'll be paying child support, he'll be visiting with them, he'll have to communicate with the ex ...) it's a hard thing to do, especially in a relationship that deals with newly-divorced dating newly-single. Aboout the guy you moved closer to: it seems you want to be with him pretty badly, but if that's the case, why were you seeing someone else? Lonely? Wanting attention/affection/whatever else you couldn't get from Five-Year-Guy? Does FYG know you were seeing another person/other people after his move? Were you on break from one another? If so, that's the only logical reason I can see for you even TALKING to MM (or any man for that matter). You said MM treated you like a queen, so it seems you have high standards for guys who date you, but MM should hav been keeping his distance. Has FYG treated you "like a queen" or did he start off that way and now it's all tapered off? Even if you hadn't cheated/just moved to be with 5YG, you would have had baby mamma dramma because that always happens when children are involved. He moved there to be close to his child, you moved there to be close to him. Have you met the kid? Does he/she know about Daddy's girlfriend? Does Baby Mamma know? Sorry, but even if it's their issue, the new girlfriend is always involved at least on the sidelines because anyone who is part of his life is part of YOUR life. Its sticky even in the most innocent of circumstances, it's hard to blend families and if you want a future with 5YG, then you'll have to expect that the dynamics of you and his relationship will change drastically.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 October 2013):
 Your new man is not your man, because he is married so, for the time being , he is HER man.
He SAYS he is going to get a divorce.
And I say to you that I am going to be the next Queen of England. Would you start curtseying to me before you have seen with your eyes my official coronation ceremony ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are all cheating on each other I want out of this dysfunctional bs he is sleeping with baby mama MM said he hasn't had sex with his wife for years and is getting a divorce I have seen the papers I am no homewrecker. I am living with a relative boyfriend of 5 years is living with baby mama. He begged me to come here. I found a job here MM wants me to quit and go home
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 October 2013):
*Groan* here we go again.
What is it with people having absolutely no common sense when it comes to relationships? No moral compass?
Sorry, it's getting old, with people "dating" married people - What is it that YOU think you have with him or about yourself that it's OK to INVADE another relationship? Yes I know the married man is cheating on HIS wife too, but if you are AWARE that he is married WHY keep going? Why not walk away? Because he treats you like a queen? And how does he treat his wife? Think about that.... How long til the MM decided to exchange YOU for a younger model? You think he won't cheat on you?
Secondly, you now aren't sure which man you should "be" with.. because what if.. the married man doesn't leave his wife (they rarely do) you would be alone?
I'm sorry, lady you are being absolutely selfish, this is all about you getting YOURS -whether it's from your BF or your MM.
Is your BF STILL WITH the babymama? And you were planning to move there and continue to see him? Just because THEY aren't married doesn't mean what YOU and the BF is doing is right either..
Either I'm reading your post wrong or you.. have absolutely no common sense.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (26 October 2013):
You won't like my reply but I'm afraid I speak as find.
If you're with a guy for 5 years, what are you doing cheating on him with another guy back home?
As if that's not bad enough, the man you're cheating with is married so you're also wrecking his relationship!
It makes my blood boil when guys say that they're "GOING TO" leave their wife. What the hell's stopping him? Why hasn't he already? At least then he would be free to start a relationship with someone new rather than cheating on his wife. The reason, my dear, is that he has NO intention of leaving her!
He's cheating on his wife with you but you think that's ok because he's "going to" leave her (allegedly). Do you not care that his wife probably has no idea that he's playing around and being unfaithful? Unless he actually leaves his wife then he is unavailable.
Also remember if he cheats on her he will cheat on you too!
You ask what you can do?
I say start being honest and clean up your act!
If you decide to stay with your current guy then do it because you love him not because there's no one better at the moment and be faithful to him.
If you don't love him then do the decent thing and set him free to be with woman who will treat him right!
If you're silly enough to believe the lies of a married man and move to be with him, then prepare yourself for whole lot of hurt and disappointment.
Baby Mamma's are neither here or there. If any guy you're with has a child then you have to expect that he will be in contact with that child's mother!
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 October 2013):
 I'm confused. You've been together with a guy for 5 years, right? But you're cheating on him with a married man?
The married man's vow that he's "gonna divorce" is worthless. Don't even think about him unless the divorce is final, because I'm guessing that she isn't aware of this inevitability. Guys who cheat say stuff like that because it gets a woman who otherwise would feel disdain at his cheating to feel sorry for him and go against their own morals because "he said he'd divorce her". Nope.
With the 5 year guy, you said there's a "baby mama"? Umm, does that mean he cheated on you with her, and she has a baby younger than 5 years old, or are you refering to an ex he's had before you who has been in the picture the whole time you've been together?
If he cheated on you, then drop him. Otherwise, if he didn't, then drop both of them. Cheating is wrong and heinous. Your married guy is cheating.
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