A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:To sum the whole problem up, everyone thinks and says my boyfriend is ugly. We're in a long distance relationship, therefore most of my friends haven't even seen him closely, but when they see his pics they all start screaming at me about how ugly he is and how I deserve much better. I often get told I'm very good looking, even if I'm self conscious and can't quite believe it, and even my parents keep telling me that I should find someone who suits my looks better. "Why would you want a short and ugly guy?" my mother keeps telling me. She doesn't even want to think of the fact that maybe I care about personality too instead of looks.Are looks really that important in a relationship? I mean, no one gets to choose how they look like, and no one can't help it, so I find the whole thing ridiculous. Do looks really top personality? I keep being told all these things and it hurts me more than everything. I am aware that my guy's not the best looking guy in the world but he is amazingly nice, kind, sweet and giving, much more than any other guy I have ever met and we have so much in common it could've been impossible. I'm honestly sick of everyone telling me that I'm making a mistake and ruining my life by being with him.Not only that, but he's started feeling self concious and gets upset a lot about it lately. He even told me that I should go find someone who'll be more good looking than him. I got too upset when he said that, and mad at my "friends" and family.My point is, what should I do? Are looks really that important? *sigh* I'm just tired of all this..
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2009): I agree with Tisha-1...
I find it hard to believe that all your friends and even your parents have said things like that. Maybe you should get some better friends who will be nicer about this guy you like. And about your parents- what kind of people are they? It seems pretty strange to me that they would say something like that. Is it that they make little snide comments and joke about it? Do you stand up for him when they say those things and tell them to stop? Do they seriously believe you shouldn't be with him just because of his looks? How ugly is he anyway?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 August 2009):
 I had a thought reading your question, people don't think you should be dating this guy, right? So the reason given from what you've written, is that EVERYONE around you thinks he's ugly and you shouldn't be dating him.
I find it hard to believe that so many people around you could be so superficial that they base their judgement about the relationship on his looks.
Here's my concern, and I'm just throwing this out there as food for thought: they feel your relationship isn't good for you because of another factor, maybe the long distance, maybe of how you met. Perhaps they think that you are devoting time and attention to a guy who's never going to be close enough to turn into a regular (non-long distance) relationship?
And that what you hear, or choose to hear, is that they think he's ugly. If you're sure of your bond with him, that shouldn't really matter.
Why is he getting upset and insecure? Who told him that everyone thinks he's ugly and shouldn't be dating him? Please don't tell me it was you. That's the kind of information you do not share because it poisons the future relationship your boyfriend could have with your friends and family. It's damaging to his ego and there's simply no reason to getting him riled up over something he can't do anything about, as you pointed out.
Stop and reflect on what it is people are trying to convey to you. Ask calm questions designed to get to the truth of their objections to your dating. The very process could make them realize how silly they sound, if it's only about looks. You might learn something too.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, kittykhaos +, writes (19 August 2009):
 If you really care about him it doesn't matter how other people think. People used to tell me that the love of my life wasn't hot enough for me or that he was too trendy (I'm kind of alternative). Or they would make fun because he was quiet or because he was soo tall or the fact that he's ginger. At the end of the day how someone looks is important on the level of "am I attracted to him?" but other people have differing tastes and opinions. Don't let your friends make you feel stupid. Maybe your friends are the people you need to get rid of they sound pretty superficial. As for your mum well.... that's just harsh.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Looks are NOT important. I mean, they help initially attract you to someone, but once you know them, the looks shouldn't matter anymore. Don't listen to anybody else. Tell them that he's much more amazing than anyone who is better looking, and you don't care about his looks. It's not their place to judge him on his looks. It's actually very immature and shallow. If he makes you happy, then be with him and feel lucky to have him.
...............................
A
female
reader, MonicaC +, writes (18 August 2009):
 The physical body is just a shell that contains all of the most beautiful aspects of human beings--the soul, the heart and the mind. Love that is based solely on the physical attraction one feels for another will not last long. Beauty of the body fades, but the beauty inside goes on forever. When we fall in love with the whole person, we stand a much better chance of growing old with someone who we can actually enjoy spending time with, talking to, laughing with, or just hanging out with.
What matters is that you are happy with your bf. Tell your friends & family to lay off.
Best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (18 August 2009):
 No looks are not important.
you've heard the saying, "never judge a book by its cover" and its sooo true.
Your friends and family are deeming themselves shallow and narrow minded if they believe looks are more important then personality.
its prejudice.
Dont listen to them. they are entitled to their opinions but this doesnt mean they are right.
Listen to yourself, and if they (your friends or family) make derogatory statements about your bf assert yourself and tell them to respect your decision, you're an adult and you've chosen a guy you admire.
As long as your bf makes you happy and you are attracted to him thats all that matters.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Beauty REALLY IS in the ey of the beholder!!! One womans prince really will be another womans frog - thats why we don't all look the same! Ask your family and friends what is more important to them; that you have a good looking hot boyfriend or that you're truly happy??!! Then tell them to butt out!!!!!!!!! Don't ever let them get to you again - my mum doesn't rate my botfriend but I genuinely fancy the pants off him - he's not perfect either (far from it!) but I love him just as he is :) I suggest you keep reassuring your boyfriend of the same and ignore the cruel comments of the people who are just too shallow to understand! (no offence!)
xxx
...............................
A
male
reader, AznXoXsparkz +, writes (18 August 2009):
 No. He is your prince charming. Looks only matter 10% of the time.
Relationship isn't based on looks because I would have so many girls so far hahah. But I dont because im a jerk at times..
trust me if your heart beating so much faster with him. even if hes not all good looking.. your the one for him and hes the one for you.
If your friends and family control your life, you regret the things you would've done. Looks dont matter if you still have a beating heart.
-Sparkz
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Looks will get someone about as far as the bedroom (in my opinion) and no further. It's personality and sharing common ground that will make someone want to stay long term with a person, and will determined the best relationships.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jen, +, writes (18 August 2009):
 If the way he looks, is nice to you then you don't have to listen to anyone else. Is it you or your friends that are going out with the guy? You. So who cares what he looks like. He might be sexy from your eyes. If your friends cared about you being happy they'd want you to be with whoever your going to go out with. If they're still telling you that he's ugly then don't listen to them. Like I said it's you that's going out with the guy not them.
Good Luck
Jen x
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): They are only important if you make them important. if you are happy then that is all that matters, who cares what other people say. And to be honest your friends/family should be happy for you rather than trying to put this guy down.
I think the media/television makes us think that beauty is the be all and end all but believe me it isn't. Finding someone you have loads in common with, is caring, loyal and giving is not that easy. Stick with him if you are happy and don't let what other people say influence you. If there were more people in the world like you it would be a better place. I have spurned good relationships because of worrying about what other people say and lived to regret it...
...............................
A
female
reader, r0ckah0l1c +, writes (18 August 2009):
No, looks are not that important. Your friends and family are being very shallow and should just be happy that you are happy and support you in your relationship. If you are attracted to him that is all that matters, plus often times it doesn't matter how somebody looks because they become attractive to you the more you become drawn to their personality especially when you grow to love them.
...............................
A
female
reader, jessjess +, writes (18 August 2009):
 You're mature, they aren't. You're not shallow, they are. You've found someone you love to be with, they probably haven't. If he isn't the best looking, that's something they can use to try and make you feel less secure and the reason why they would do that is jealousy. You're happy and have someone who cares about you- people would die for that. If he's beautiful to you, on the inside not just on the outside, and if you're happy together, there is nothing to worry about. Ignore them. And make sure your boyfriend knows that YOU think he's lovely because that's what really matters! Oh and get some new friends...:) Best of luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): It is easier for others to judge a person by his looks, because those others are not in your shoes. Through your perspective, you are much closer to your target of affection than those other people are. They will never be able to see pass his shell because do not make the effort in trying to get to know him and they 'shouldn't' need to get to know him. What is he to them?
Ultimately, looks are only important if it is important to the involved individuals. Since those other people are not involved in the relationship, then that importance falls to you. Is his less than attractive physique a major obstacle in your intimacy with him? If you answer no, then simply: "looks aren't that important to you in a relationship".
Other people will ALWAYS and forever have their own opinions. In the end, it is you who will either accept your own opinion or not.
To give your boyfriend some reassurance, all you have to do is stand firm and continue to allow your relationship to grow.
...............................
|
