A
female
age
41-50,
*nhappy78
writes:My boyfriend and I finally took the step to move in together. We've been together for almost 5 years. We've had our ups and downs....but for the past couple years, I have really felt like he won't ever commit to me. He says that he eventually will, but I am doubting it. The years come and go...no ring...no commitment. Now that we live together, we are starting to argue about money. He expects a full three course meal daily, a clean home, clean clothes, and for me to entertain his family and friends as need be...however...he doesn't seem to grasp the concept that when you fix meals/entertain like that, it does indeed...COST. He says that I am trying to drain him dry. I do however give him my ENTIRE PAYCHECK each month...he says it isn't enough. What should I do? I don't even know who he is anymore. I also have a child who absolutely adores him...so I feel like I don't know what to do. I try everything I can to please him. I just don't feel like anything I do is enough.
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male
reader, faenon  +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Your main priority is your daughter not some chump with false visions of grandeur when he can't afford to host 'kingly' parties in attempt to lie to his friends 'how well off we are'. He sounds like he is trying to live outside of his means, does he help support your daughter and you financially by helping you pay the bills?Truth be told 5years if he hasn't proposed to you now he is never going to, He is just wasting your time. His unreal living expectations should tell you his living in a dream world like a child.Move on find someone who values you and your daughter and is planning for the future needs you and your daughter will need.
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (28 December 2010):
 First, why would you give him all of your money in the first place? He takes everything for granted and you keep giving. As the saying goes, you teach people how to treat you. By letting it go and continuing to give him all he wants, you're showing him it's okay to demand more and more. People like this don't ever stop wanting more, they carry a sense of entitlement and a need to control that's nearly impossible to break.
Second, it's been five years. If he's unsure about marriage at this point in the relationship, he may never be sure. I firmly believe after two years in a serious relationship, a person definitely knows whether they want to marry their partner or not. Ultimately it comes down to whether they want you to be part of their long-term future.
Obviously marriage isn't everything, but I believe it's a gesture of dedication and love, and shows the person is willing to be with you and only you for the rest of their life. When you're sure that's what you want, there's no hesitation in taking the step forward from being boyfriend/girlfriend.
Being undecided for five years seems like stalling for time to me. Was he initially reluctant to move in as well? You've given him more than enough chances to come around and make up his mind, it's not like you've only been together for a year.
One last thing, don't stay with him just for the sake of your child. Children can be very perceptive and know when something's amiss in the house. If you're not happy, your child won't be able to be happy either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): You should THANK HIM for not commiting to you! Then, ask him to move out and NEVER give him a dime again.You're allowing yourself to be a doormat. Why are you so desperate for this man? Time to grow a back bone and treat yourself and your child #1 in life. Not bend over backwards for a lousy man like this.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Time to set up a realistic budget, for household expenses, utilities, rent, transport, etc and time for him to get a second job, if he can't say no to his family and if he requires to be maintained as a king.
Cost of Entertaining his family can come out of his funds entirely.
Unless he is Warren Buffett and can manage other people's money very effectively, more than you can manage alone, then he does not get your pay
check at all.
You know the cost of things. Do not be the meek and mild trusting one and wake up one morning to the car being towed away or the power turned off due
to non payment
Some of your money is for putting aside for you and your daughter, for the future.
You are not a married couple, he has not given you a real commitment. So without those things you must separate your finances. You are making yourself too vulnerable otherwise.
You need three accounts. One for his personal expenses from which he also pays for entertaining his family.. One for you and your daughter's personal expenes. And a joint account that requires you both to sign any check from which you pay household expenses, and where you each contribute equally.
If his family want to be entertained beyond Christmas and Thanksgiving (and that should be on a rotation basis like
normal families) then tell them to contribute in kind. You are not running the family open house diner from your kitchen,
Because of his financially exploitive attitude I would not even want a commitment from him, I would show him
the door. This man sounds like a liability to me, i think he is using you financially.
You need to sit down and get him to come clean with exactly what is his real income, what is his real level of debt, his level of savings (if any??) and how much he is really contributing to expenses.
Plus he needs to understand the true cost of what he expects, as his standard of living. And how unrealistic it is to be entertaining his family so lavishly,
And when you do set the grocery budget be very realistic. Keep all your receipts for a month if he really needs convincing. Plus do not sign any agreement to help this man borrow money, or you could be left with SAD (sexually aquired debt) if he ever walks out on you. I suspect this man has no idea of real household costs and just likes to swagger about and over spend to impress his family, at your expense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): You need to dump this guy right away. Five years is more than long enough to know if you want to marry someone! Plus, he is treating you like a slave and saying your whole paycheck is not enough???!!! That's crazy!!
Your child might love him, but he/she will be better off having a happier, healthier mother in a happier, healthier relationship to learn from. This guy is just going to string you along and get all he can, for as long as you let him. Good luck; you can do this.
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A
male
reader, B1ddle  +, writes (28 December 2010):
This guy's gotten to comfortable. He's depending on you a lot, and your child cannot be a big factor in this (if it's not his), as in the long term it's better for your child that you are happy.
What this guy needs is a wake up call. He needs to depend more on himself, so just stop doing a few of these things that he's expecting you to do. You need to make yourself a priority rather than him and your relationship with him.
If you take away the concept of giving him money, then you'll see if it is just money that's keeping him where he is. Relationships NEED to be equal.
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A
female
reader, Clarabell +, writes (28 December 2010):
Firstly u cant force someone in to commitment, and more importantly why on earth would u want to to this man? He seems like a complete control freak from what u have told me but only talk about his bad points, you need to work out what u get out of this relationship and if there really isnt anything then what are u doing? Your child may adore this guy but im sure that he/she would prefer their mother to get some confidence back and to be happy. Your being treated like a door mat and there is only one person that can start standing up for herself and do something about it! Best of luck x
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (28 December 2010):
 hi
you need to come to an agreement about the way your house is managed regarding chores and financially. write down what you expect from each other. give each other your lists to peruse and discuss and agree on something that is fair for both of you. if you cannot communicate and be fair with each other then i think that marriage is not a wise step for you anyway, just a VERY costly mistake. i really hope you can sort out your difference of opinions. a ring on your finger will not fix things
xx
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A
female
reader, compleatly confused +, writes (28 December 2010):
dear unhappy78,
I'm sure you love this man very much , but you have to ask yourself is there any spark or passion in this relationship? a girl can't wait around forever for a man to pop the question it's been 5 years since you have moved in why can't he put a ring on it?
it seems to me like he is acting an old man where he comes home wants his dinner and all that
I say spice it up abit , relight the flame and the passion if he can't do that and love and cherish you then it's not fair you being in a unhappy relationship no matter how much you love them , I'm sure you love him alot and it would be very hard to see sence
but your worth alot every girl is and you deserve someone who cherishes you
all the best of luck I hope you find that hidden gem!:)
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