A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Any tips for coping with feelings of jealousy and insecurity over ex-husband's new girlfriend?I know it shouldn't bug me, and I don't want my ex back, he was a very bad husband (putting it mildly). I think my ex is dating now and the woman I think he is seeing is very attractive.I have a lot of feelings-anger, jealousy-the question of why didn't he want to make it work with me? Plus, the fact that she is attractive makes me feel very insecure in my own appearance. I can't help but imagine the fun they are having together-and that makes me angry as well, because my ex was/is super nasty to me and barely sees our child.I'm trying really hard not to let it bug me-but it is! What can I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 August 2013):
 You can wish them luck. She will need it.
It is NOT that YOU weren't GOOD enough to make him a good guy. It is not that YOU weren't PRETTY enough to make the marriage last or any other "shortcoming" you might think YOU have.
It didn't work, because he wasn't who you thought he was.
He will NOT magically be a GOOD husband & man because she is beautiful and smart.
If HE has learned ANYTHING from being married to you, maybe he learned to look at himself and NOT like what he sees.
Being a second wife myself, I had to deal with an ex-wife's jealousy and insecurities and you know who suffered? THEIR children. She did everything she could to sabotage my husband spending time with the kids, she DEMANDED that I wasn't allowed around the kids.. Why? Simply because I was skinnier, prettier & smarter then her. ( this didn't come out for years). We COULD have fought her in court but at the time we certainly didn't HAVE the money and husband/we got stationed overseas so she was 100% in control of the contact.
It's sad. It made me sad and it STILL makes me sad that she rather hold on to her PETTY jealousy then letting another person into their children's lives. I would have done my best to be a good step parent for them. She didn't just deny me, she denied her children.
So let it go. And remember most people don't change. Some grow up a little but over all, they are just an older version of themselves.
Instead of wasting this negative energy, focus on yourself. Find what makes YOU happy and SCREW him.
A
male
reader, Eng_vice  +, writes (6 August 2013):
Remember, a public profile is happy-shiny-people-holding-hands. In private your ex-husband is your ex-husband.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 August 2013):
 Here's a great tip for coping with those feelings...
FORGET HIM... AND those feelings!!!!! (He's your "EX-", for cryin' out loud!!!!!)
Hope this helps....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): You are spending too much time and energy concentrating on the life and activities of your ex.
Conserve your energy, you're a mother. Jealousy consumes a lot of energy.
You're divorced; and things are far beyond "why he does things, or who he is with." He doesn't want you any more, and gave up his marriage to prove it to you.
Would you expect him to find someone ugly?
If you feel inferior, then now you have the motivation to go out there and prove to yourself, you are better than he has ever given you credit for. He is now her problem. You are officially and undeniably free to do whatever the hell you please. You are a single-mother. One of the most powerful forces in this country.
There were irreconcilable differences that lead to your divorce. You could not live with that man. He was probably an absolute dick, throughout the whole divorce process.
He went out and found a pretty woman to rub your nose in every nasty deed, or word, you may have done or said in the past. If you were ever nasty and insecure, this is your karma for making his life miserable.
There are two-sides in every marriage. We yield more to the woman's side; because she is the most emotional. However; women can be quite evil. They can be vicious.
Insecurity and lack of trust, murders relationships every minute of every hour of the day. If we don't work on them, we try to force other people to live with them.
The fact is, they don't have to.
Now you have the breeze in your sails to turn the ship another direction. You now need "me" time. Further your education. Pick up a new hobby, take special trips with your kid; and establish a better relationship. That child depends on you, and you need to redirect your attention to the most important person in your life right now. Your child.
You also need attention. From yourself, to yourself.
Be a better person, better mom, and prepare yourself to be a better partner in your future relationship. You're not over him yet; so you need to work on healing.
Detaching is a long and difficult process. So you have to put a lot of yourself into it.
Get busy. You don't have time to worry about your ex and who he's with right now.
You have a life ahead of you, and his is already minus the things he didn't need in it. You're sitting around all bitter and in his business.
All you need from him now is your child-support.
If he doesn't want to be a part of his child's life, it's because he doesn't want to deal with your drama.
Don't use that child as an excuse. You're angry he is avoiding "you."
He is sparing the child more of that emotional tension
and turmoil, that lead up to this point. They are dying to see each other. There is something awkward in the middle of that. A miserable grieving ex-wife. When he visits the kid, the child has to see the pain in your face.
You are all upset at the sight of your ex-husband. What fun is the child going to have with his/her dad under all this?
If the guy is a jerk, how long is he going to keep a pretty lady? If you were the jerk in the expired marriage; he deserves a break.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (6 August 2013):
 At the risk of sounding cliche, the best revenge is success. The more fulfilling your own life is, the better you feel about yourself, the less interested you'll be in your ex and what fun he MIGHT be having.
And the good times will undoubtedly be fleeting, given your ex's inclination to be nasty. And his new girlfriend probably feels a little threatened and envious of you since you have his child and a shared history she wishes (for now anyway) that she were part of. We get many posts from women who think they don't quite measure up to the mother of their lover's child.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (6 August 2013):
 Well, since you don't want your ex-husband back - and in fact you say he was very bad toward you during your marriage, you're still dealing with feelings of insecurity and jealousy, plus anger.
It does, however, to two to make or break a marriage. Were there things you did or did not do that he resented? There probably were - at least from his point of view.
You might think about getting a few counseling sessions to explore these issues toward being able to resolve them......
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