A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys.. It's a long one so bear with me please.I am in a long distance and for reasons things can't change for sometime. We need to be in different cities. We end up meeting 4-6 times a year and talk everyday. In the end of 2014 I did a mistake of snooping through his phone n that's where the trouble started. I saw texts from some woman I didn't know and it wasn't alarming just general but I still flipped. In conversations I asked and he said yes and I asked y didn't u tell me about her existence and he said it had only been few days. She is his friends wife and I know they had met 2 weeks before. That's when I started to over think everything and started the fights n all that he never told me. In 2015 he started to chat with his school reunion group which had his crush. I started to question on his crush.. he denied he had any. I would see long hours chats n get mad over thinking. In July 2015 I asked to see his chats n found out that yes he had a crush on this girl n was chatting with other girl who was pushing him towards the crush. The second girl n he met for lunch n he didn't share that with me. I went through 4-5 month chats and they were nothing but friendlyBut due to that lie I was devastated that he lied n cried n he apologized. We broke up for few days n came back but I kept snooping on him. I fed those girls phone number on mine n would see if they were online together. Fighting continued on n off and he felt really hurt that I wouldn't trust him. The continuous fighting and my mistrust led to another break up for 2 months in which we did speak a lot and analysed how much we mean to each other and love is strong but my trust issues would lead to fights that he never understood. His chats with those women also got less.We are back again and lil fights continued when I saw them online together again. He would say he is not chatting to them. he met up his crush with group n didn't tell me. I found out when other person changed their profile pic. I accused him of lying and broke up for few hours saying I cannot tolerate lies. He has apologized profusely and said he thought I would mistrust him again but it was a friendly meet and he realised it.I want to trust him and my snooping habits are not helping. Where there is nothing I am building it. I try to stop and go back to it again. Having gone through the chats and knowing him for 5 years I know there was nothing but I am unable to stop my snooping and fighting and question why he lies. I am lying and I am causing fights and wondering why he is lying then. Is there any advice to stop this vicious cycle. And am I right to believe that he actually did lie so that I don't break into other fights and over think? Please advise
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broke up, crush, friend's wife, her ex, long distance, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 January 2016):
 Sometimes if you let someone go and they come back then you know they want to work on the relationship, and if they don't well then he was never right for you. I think you just need to let him breathe a bit, it will be healthy for you both.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks much for your response.
Yes ur right I need to trust him and stop this snooping. I have deleted all the numbers and learning to trust him again. More than for him I need to do it for myself and this relationship. I never thought I'll be doing this.
Maybe I need to let go of him too.. Seems almost obsessive..if its meant to be and if he truly cares he will make more efforts. Loving him and being loved by him has been the best thing for me.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (11 January 2016):
He is allowed to have female friends, this is why trust is important in a relationship. What you are doing is wrong, and almost border line controlling behavior, people need space in a relationship and friends, if you keep suffocating him like this you will lose him.
Was he wrong to lie? Yes he was wrong, but he feels he cannot be honest with you anymore or you will flip on him because you do not trust him.
I cannot see a happy future for this relationship. You do not trust him, and throw in that its a LDR it will never work.
You need to see a therapist, get your feelings under control and learn to trust him if this is ever going to work.
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