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Anxiety from a previous relationship stops me moving forward!

Tagged as: Crushes, Dating, Health, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 February 2017) 2 Answers - (Newest, 14 February 2017)
A female South Africa age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I like a guy but ever since i realised i like him I'm just stuck in this vortex of anxiety and fear. We went out on a date and it was fantastic but I'm feeling even more unsure of myself. I had a previous relationship where everything was going well then one day he ghosted me . He just disappeared for months then showed up months later with a new girlfriend. I'm afraid that i now have serious inadequacy issues stemming from that. My excitement about this new potential relationship is coupled with near constant fear and I'm afraid it's starting to consume me. I'm sad most of time but I'm also glad that i like him. Please help me sort through my emotions before i run away from what could be a great relationship.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (14 February 2017):

You have to remember that not all guys are like your feckless ex, who didn't have the backbone to finish your relationship face-to-face and admit he had met someone else. Luckily guys like him are in a minority. You were very unlucky to have met one.

His behaviour was about HIM, not about YOU. You have to keep telling yourself that. HE was a coward. HE just met someone else but wasn't man enough to tell you so did the cowardly thing and ghosted you. His behaviour is in no way a reflection on YOUR worth.

Take things slowly. Enjoy the newness of the relationship. Learn to trust him if he is a trustworthy guy. Maybe he will turn out to be "the one", maybe he won't. We have to date a lot of frogs before we find our Prince Charming. Enjoy the journey.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 February 2017):

If you haven't gotten over the trauma of the last relationship; maybe you're really not ready for another one.

You have to be tough enough to take a tumble, some heartbreak, and spring back-up. You also have to learn not to emerge yourself so deep into a guy that you go nuts if he dumps you. Only the strong survive in this world, sweetie.

The other guy may have sensed that you were just too into him before he was actually able to catch-up with your feelings. He was definitely a big wimp and a pathetic coward; not to even man-up and let you know what was going on in his head. What he did borders on cruelty, to just leave you hanging. I'm very sorry you had to go through that.

Although, some girls are too fragile and very difficult to be honest with; or you'll get a flood of tears and emotions. He's young, so we'll chalk it up to adolescent-inexperience, immaturity, and stupidity.

There's no way to breakup without somebody getting hurt. You are still in that phase of your youth where you learn things and gain experience from mistakes. You have to grow a tougher skin. You can't be a prissy cry-baby, or you'll never gain the respect from boys that you deserve. You have to show you're ready and able to take care of your feelings.

You can't be a nervous-Nellie, or you'll scare the guy away. I would advise a nice young man to avoid girls who are clingy and insecure. He doesn't have to take punishment for a bad choice she made, or answer to the bad behavior of the guy before him. He should be trusted and judged on his own merit. He has no responsibility to nurse some girl's feelings hurt by some other guy. She should get-over the last guy before dragging her baggage into his life.

The same goes for girls. You have no obligation to fix messed-up strays; or nurse-maid damaged dudes run-over by his last girlfriend. You are looking for love, and that should come freely with no blemishes. Young-love has to be sweet and gentle on your emotions. It also has challenges and you have to be ready for them.

You can't expect a good relationship unless you are contributing half the effort; and can give as much as you expect in return. A nice guy or nice girl deserves someone who will be good to them, and not put them through hell.

My dear, if you are truly traumatized to the degree you feel high anxiety; you may need light counseling or therapy to help you to deal with it.

Bearing in mind, cold-feet and gun-shyness happens to all of us when we've been dumped or abused. I got dumped, and it tore me apart too. I'm older, so I've enough experience to pull myself together. You can't let it get the best of you. It takes a few years to get better at it, but rejection will always hurt. It shouldn't debilitate!

Lighten-up with the drama and hold back your feelings just a little. Dole out your affections a little bit at a time; giving him time to be sure how he really feels about you. This is necessary so you won't fall too deep before he can match and reciprocate your feelings.

Don't over-romanticize expecting things to be perfect or a fairy-tale. Each time you date, you should both learn to trust each other. If he hasn't done anything to hurt you; don't hold it over his head that you're expecting him to mess-up. He is as human as you are, and neither of you can promise never to do something to hurt each other. The objective is to do everything you can to avoid doing so.

Best of luck, sweetheart!

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