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I'm tired of the way our life is going and wonder if its time to throw in the towel

Tagged as: Health, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 February 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 16 February 2017)
A male United Kingdom, anonymous writes:

Hi I need some advice and somewhere to express exactly how I feel,

I have been with my current partner for a little over 7 years now, she fell pregnant very early in the relationship (within the first 4 - 6 weeks). After which she was diagnosed with depression. The relationship struggled at that point but we stayed strong and got through it. We then had our second child who was planned during conception, we then decided that we shouldn't try for.another untill we were more financialy and emotionaly stable. We discover she was pregnant. During the next 4 years we slept many nights apart, it started with her on the sofa with many excuses like. I've put too much weight on the beds not big enough for the two of us.it is

I'm not tired. Then always falling asleep on the sofa. Yes we would have sex. Rarely but it would happen. But it left me feeling like she was emotionaly detaching her self and inturn I felt emotionaly rejected, like although she was being inconsiderate to my feelings.

I would mention how it made me feel and she would become hostile claiming I was paranoid and there was nothing to worry about. Anyway eventually we started sharing a bed again.

In October 2016 she had our 3rd child. Then it started with me sleeping on the sofa with baby downstairs with me. I think she has perhaps done 3 nights on her own and about 2 together.

So for 18 months I have been downstairs on the sofa with baby in the same room. Except now sex happens twice a month if I'm lucky despite more promises than I can count at this point,.

She does very little with all 3 children having only done maybe 3 school runs in total. Leaving me to prepare there meals, bath them and most other things.

She is in bed most of the time everyday, for example I get up at 6 for school she gets up at 7:30..... I'll get back from school at 9ish she will go to bed at 10 and stay there till about 2:30 then go back about 5 to about 7 then back to bed at about 12

I feel like I'm at my breaking point and have no idea if it's time to throw the towel in or push on. I dont think o can handle much more emotional and serial rejection. It is damaging my confidence, self esteem and my back is now always sore.

I've mentioned mostly what she doesn't do so in fareness this is what she does do.

Does my daughters hair for school.

Irons

Does most of the housework.

The thing that is making it hard for me though she has been diagnosed with chronic depression and a personality disorder. As well as anxiety and agoraphobia.

I feel guilty for feeling negatively about the whole situation because on one hand I get she is ill but on the other I feel she is playing on the diagnosis's and needs to get on with life.

Sorry for the ramble and I hope It makes sense

View related questions: confidence, self esteem

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou both are way in over your heads here. It is time to go to couples counselling and get talking openly to each other. Try and understand each other and take baby steps. She needs to take time to build a relationship with the children and you need to take a step back. Don't throw in the towel. It is tough yes but with professional help and an open mind things can be sorted.

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States +, writes (14 February 2017):

singinbluebird agony auntI'm so so sorry hear about your going through. Hugs, but I am going to give you some tough love.

Why did you keep having kids? Please stop right now.

A woman or even a person who is having depression, is not in their right mind to give life to someone because they will NOT be able to be there financially, mentally, and emotionally.

I know she is going through so much, I can feel that you know that and that she knows that and shes struggling, but THIS is not something you can fix sweetheart.

This is something in her, something she has to step up to fix and she needs to seek therapy. Please have her enroll in a program to help her through her everyday life and deal with her depression.

Part of depression is overcoming the dread and inability to have interest in anything ---so there's no surprise she wont be responsible or be doting or even have a sex drive--it doesn't exist! So shes not in any way in right mind/situation to keep having children and be expected to be a hands-on mom.

My advice is DO NOT throw in towel for your kids sake, but shes not in any situation fit to be a mother or even a wife.

She needs help.

And you can help her get there but enrolling her in a program and being there by her side as a friend first, not even husband or partner at this moment. She needs learn to be there for herself, to be able to get up, feel motivated, find a job, take care and bath the children, love and sexually be open to her man--and she NEEDS to want that for herself.

Depression is so debilitating, it takes away our joy and passion but if she wants so much to get better, make her accountable for it. Yes you can still be compassionate. Yes you can still feel love for her. Yes you can still help, but its up to her to grab herself and make her stand up for herself. SHE CAN DO IT! With therapy, support, and medication. And her kids are worth this fight. Her love for you is worth it. I hope she is able to see this.

Enroll her in therapy, seek medications where it can help balance her and give her some added energy, have exercise with you and get up, she needs a routine waking and sleeping hours, PLEASE have her share with housework and do not be lenient. Depression is not an excuse to lie around because it was her decision to also have sex and have children.

If all else fails, your marriage might not be able to be saved because in all this, I feel your pain and this is Valentines day, youre deserving of love, compassion, sex, a husband who can have a guy day and not worry if wife will wake up today to run house----and you can find that again if not with your wife. Of all my advices, I believe that if you have not found the love of your life and dont feel deep love and satisfaction, dont stop trying. There may be someone out there who can make you smile and brighten your day.

DO not give up. Give this marriage your all and if your all did not work, move on. And love your kids, take care of them, be open to a amicable divorce.

Good luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2017):

My advice is to not throw in the towel. At least for the sake of your three children. Imagine how changed their lives would be if you were to divorce your wife or leave. They would face many obstacles in their lives if you leave their mother, even if you stay active in it. Studies show children of divorced parents have a harder time with school, developing both emotionally & psychologically. It’s not fair that they suffer because you don’t want to suffer a little. It’s not about you or your wife, it’s about the kids. I’m assuming that’s why you wake up so early, go to school, and work so hard. For them right? So if you throw in the towel remember that you are not throwing it in on your relationship with your wife but that you are giving up on your kids. You also never know what kind of man may possible come in to your wife’s life if you leave, good or bad. But right now you are in control, you know that you are the best father and the only one capable of giving your kids the most love possible. A Stranger is not going to be how you are around your kids, you have to keep that in mind.

As far as the emotional pain your wife is causing you the only thing I can say is that it’s just the card you are dealt as a man in this world. Many people living in the worst conditions in third world countries were dealt that card in life, they didn’t choose to be born there. My father gave me advice once when I had trouble with a relationship. I remember saying the same thing you said which was “I would mention how it made me feel and she would become hostile” and my father told me that a real man should not come from a place of emotional weakness. Pay attention next time that you say “how it makes me feel” and recognize how emasculine you sound, trust me I have been their. My father went through a 25 year sexless marriage (im not saying your marriage will be) and he never complained once for the sake of me and my siblings. You see he came from the older generation of real MEN who fought in wars, and were the stoic type who suffered in silence. We can learn a lot from that generation especially when it comes being a husband and father. So you have to remember your wife is being hostile because you are coming from a place of emotional neediness. You’re basing your confidence, self-esteem, and overall happiness on whether your wife rejects you or not. As a man you have to WANT your wifes affection not NEED it. You are coming from a place of neediness which is not masculine. Trust me I have been their, you need to toughen up emotionally and learn to deal wit rejection. As a man you have to operate differently. As my father said the reason you as a man were built with broader shoulders is so that you can burden heavy weight emotionally and psychically while putting your arms around your women and telling her everything will be alright. You have to be the rock in your relationship, unwavering and steady in the face of adversity so that your wife can look to you as a source of strength and reassurance especially when she is ill. But if you’re being emotionally weak and looking for her to reassure you then she’s going to feel even more vulnerable. This is why women lash out at men when they are not being masculine, they cant help it; its evolution's way of ensuring she and her offspring survive. As a man, you’re going to suffer and go through pain that a women doesn’t go through and vice versa. If you’re not getting sex big deal, rub one out it won’t kill you lad.

Do your research on depression and get every resource you can to fight it. Remember depression is curable condition its not permanent disease. Depression is mostly a state of mind and if you can reach your wife positively and change her state of mind showing her what she has to be grateful for and what she has to fight for then you have a chance. You are going to have to lift yourself and your wife up if you want a good future. You will have to become your wifes source of inspiration, motivation, and hope. Every day you have to show strength and perseverance so that your wife can overcome her illness. Go to the gym, eat healthy, and lose weight. This is about mentally, emotionally, and physically developing yourself as a man. Be their for your wife, be strong and she will thank you for it when she’s healthy. Believe me she will overcome this illness if you are willing to put in the time and effort and never surrender. People overcome some of the most powerful and harsh drug addictions imaginable to man every single day so I know your wife can overcome depression very quickly if you give her a reason to fight. If she sees how relentless you are and how you’re willing to fight for her then she will have no choice but to overcome these illnesses. You have to sacrifice for your family they are deserving of it. You’re lucky that you can wake up everyday and have something so important to get up for, have something so valuable to work towards. In the end it will all be worth it when your kids reach 18 and you were both in their lives knowing you gave 120%. Good Luck I know you can do it lad.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (14 February 2017):

Denizen agony auntYou both need professional help. You two can't fix this on your own. Talk to your GP or better the local Community Mental Health team.

There is help but you have to realise that you cannot fix this by thinking it through, reading about it or hoping for a quick fix on DC.

Make the appointment today.

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