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Am I wrong to want to spend every weekend with my boyfriend?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 August 2011) 9 Answers - (Newest, 1 September 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi. Here is my issue. Me and my bf have been togther almost 2 years, and i feel there has always been an issue with his friends being very important to him. He works shifts so sometimes I dont get to see him much at weekends. It's not that he spends loads of time with his friends, I dunno maybe 2-4 times a month, it's just that when he has a weekend off (not that often) he quite often wants to do something with a friend. Like go for a curry, have lots to drink or maybe go to london to see a band.

The problem is that by about wednesday I am starting to really look forward to spending saturday night togther and then he tells me 'I'm going out with..........on saturday night.' Dont get me wrong, I KNOW I am being clingy and needy but it does get me down sometimes. It doesnt happen every weekend, maybe every other or less even, but when it does I am pi**ed off. Is that wrong? Call me old fashioned, but by the time my weekend comes, I just wanna cosy up with my man.

I would never end the relationship with him over this I love him to bits. He is very independent and strong willed and he has made it clear that his friends are important to him and that if I stopped him seeing them we would not stay togtether. I like seeing my gfs too, but I find that they are often busy at weekends, and dont ask me if i can be there too when he sees his friend, it's 'their time' togther.

We are buying a house together next month and I know this sounds weird but i really think things will feel better once we do that, the committment, i wont mind staying in on my own as much. I currently live at my mums (dont ask, long story) and that is driving me crazy as if i have nothing much to do i just stay in my room! There's only so much going down the gym i can stomach and i'm done with going out drinking on a saturday night, plus i dont have much money to play with because of how much our house is costing us. If anyone else has any good ideas about what i can get up to on a saturday by myself that is inexpensive then please suggest away! I have about four female friends - one is always busy, two are usually with their bfs and the other one is really pregnant and i think she stays at home mostly.

I am torn by thikning i am being unreasonable/needy etc and actually having a point, that at the weekend he should want to be with me? What do you all think? btw, I am seeing him friday night and sunday daytime? If I am being massively high-maintenance please tell me, i wont mind!

Thanks for reading.

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A female reader, Battista United Kingdom +, writes (1 September 2011):

Hi OP

For me this is a tough one. I have to say from experience that I can understand just how you feel. I always wanted to spend more time with my ex than he did with me. On the other hand, I knew perfectly well that he was not being unreasonable in his wanting to see his friends, and also I didn't think I was that high maintenance either. However I wasn't happy with the way things were as I preferred to do more as a couple. The bottom line was.....we just weren't properly matched. We both wanted different things, nothing wrong with that, except one of us would have to make a big compromise to make the other one happy, therefore becoming unhappy ourselves in the process. This wasn't right for us and we split up. My husband is a perfect match for me regarding spending time together, and that's great. We're both happy with that.

Having said that, my OH works long and difficult hours so there are many times when I have plenty of time to myself and do stuff with my friends on my own, and I enjoy that. As we live together I do feel that it is really important to maintain a good network of friends. I also have plenty of hobbies to keep me busy.

My concern here is that you both want 2 different things, and that you are basically sacrificing the sort of relationship you want to keep your bf happy. I personally think that is a problem which isn't necessarily going to go away, at least, it didn't for me. That combined with the fact that he is paying a lot more towards the house suggests to me that the power balance in the relationship is somewhat more in his favour than yours.

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (1 September 2011):

RedAthena agony auntI would have to say yes, you are being high maintenance and unreasonable. You are taking his choice to spend time with others as a personal rejection.

He is not rejecting you, those are his friends and they have probably been in his life longer. The time he spends with them, feeds him in a different way than the time he spends with you.

You chose a guy who is independant and has a busy work week.

If the two of you are moving in together, do not expect much to change.

Since your social circle has changed and many of your friends have become unavailable, it is time to get some new independant hobbies and friends! You are depending way too much on your bf for your social needs.

Also, you should be scheduling time with your bf and agreeing to take turns with couple dates instead of waiting and expecting for opportunities to arise. It is all about balance between work, family, friends, etc. Each one is a priority and needs time in the sun.

You can suggest small changes so both of your needs are being met, but you are going to have to find ways to make your life more fullfilling and secure without expecting him to provide that. You can not change who he is.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 September 2011):

Honeypie agony auntWhy don't you go out with him and his friends every now and then?

You know who he is, why do you want to change him?

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (1 September 2011):

CindyCares agony auntLook,it is what it is : you have willingly and consciously chosen a guy who is very independent ,strong willed, values his friendships a lot and told you right away that he would not stay with you if you'd try to interfere with that. People do not change, unless they feel there's something wrong with them and they WANT to change, - which is clearly not the case . So it's pointless to debate in your mind what he SHOULD do and what he SHOULD feel. Maybe he should - but he does not. So , if cozying up every Saturday night is high in your list of priorities , then you are clearly with the wrong guy, and the only solution would be to find another bf with your same intimacy needs.

In this light, yes, you are massively high maintenance; for a guy with his personality and habits, he has already offered you a more than reasonable compromise : some Saturday night with his pals, and Friday nights and Sundays for you.

If you feel that for being happy you NEED someone who is more lavish with his time and attention.... well, you should go get one.

So you already know that to make this work you'll have to change yourself and your thoughts and habits, not his. Which is not easy, but not impossible either. It's a matter of expanding your social circle. Comb through all types of groups and associations and cultural/social/recreational organizations which you could join for free or for a small fee, and don't be picky about age / gender / social background etc., you are not looking for a soulmate, just for some nice people you can hang out with and talk to occasionally. Join an amateur drama group or go sing in a choir, rehearsal are always fun. Volunteer , for instance at a phone helpline , they always need people to cover Saturdays and Sundays. Join some on line forum or community. Study a language , or a musical instrument,or ...whatever, anything that ever sparked your curiosity. And what's wrong with the very pregnant friend ? She's still company even pregnant.

I know all this does not sound fun like " haha fun, we are having a blast and painting the town red ".But fun is not only dancing and drinking and partyng as if we were forever 19, it can be very different things- try to believe:)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011):

Thanks a lot guys. But to fanon,wow,really dya think? Its just that he's fronting £20,000 towards the house whilst i have nothing. He loves me,i know that. Hes not the type to buy a house with someone if he didnt mean it.

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A female reader, thisonestaken Canada +, writes (1 September 2011):

hmmmm. i have a different take on this situation. you said the two of you are buying a house together? would he then be spending every waking moment with you? yes. id be more concerned with once youre living together, will he even come home? if time with his friends is so important. dont get me wrong, friends and hobbies are good things to have, but it doesnt sound like you two see each other much. of COURSE youd be looking forward to his days off to spend with him if youre not seeing him throughout the week. i would too. i hope things work out with you two moving into a house together, but im wondering if hes ready for that, unless hes willing to have his friends over to your place?. i DO agree with the other posters on this though,if he cant give you advance notice of his weekend plans, then i guess YOU will be TOO BUSY doing other things, to see him!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011):

He's not that into you. It's convenient that you'll pay half for his house whilst he can continue to live his own life.

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A female reader, angelDlite United Kingdom +, writes (1 September 2011):

angelDlite agony auntyeah you're being high maintenance ;) i think because you lack a social life of your own you are relying on your boyfriend too much, he will resent this if you carry on. if your 4 friends are not available can't you find someone who is? or how about spending time on your own or do you not like to do that?

i think your boyfriend could compromise though by giving you a bit more notice rather than telling you a couple of days before that he can't see you on the Saturday. that way you have more time to round your girlfriends up, prise them away from their boyfriends and go and have some fun! my mates who have got boyfriends/husbands/kids need to know about 2 weeks in advance if i am inviting them out or to come round, so that they can clear it with their men, in turn their men can then make arrangements to do something with their mates. giving people notice is just a bit of common courtesy

x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011):

I think it's unreasonable to expect that your guy is going to stay in with you every Saturday night. You said yourself that he doesn't go out every single Saturday, but sometimes also spends that time with you. Seeing him Friday and Sunday during the day is plenty of time to spend. Plus, sometimes hanging out every non-working, waking moment you have with the same person gets old and helps kindle fights.

Think of it this way: Your man is maintaining HIS support system by regularly seeing his friends. If he starts spending time solely with you, it makes it hard to keep being friends with his buddies. His support system helps keep him happy, provides him with manly advice and a stress relief from work.

When he does go out, there are many, many things you could be doing. You could take up a hobby, like scrapbooking, which would occupy your time. You could adopt a pet, which would provide you with plenty of things to do. You could hang out with your friends by making plans in advance and suggesting your man do the same. And why not hang out with your very pregnant friend? You two could have snacks and a movie night -- very relaxing for the both of you, I'd bet.

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