A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Did I drive away the only girl I've ever loved?I thought I was close to being a perfect boyfriend. I was charming, funny, very generous, expressed feelings of love to her... Then recently I found out that some of these reasons could be exactly why she left me - I was too nice.I heard a theory that most women ("attractive ones, especially") don't like guys who are overly nice, and that they have an attraction to guys who have a sense of power (in other words, won't be walked all over) (I didn't see myself as a push over, I just wanted to make her happy). I hated reading it, because I think it makes some sense as to why she split with me. I used to get her drinks when she asked for them, I almost always insisted that I'd buy lunch for us both, I bought her clothes she liked in the shops. Now I'm reading that guys like that (me) are a huge turn off!Now I'm left thinking that I am now responsible for her falling out of love with me. I find this very distressing, because even a year later I feel like she is still the only girl I'll ever love as much as I did. Please somebody shed some light on this! Surely she didn't leave because I loved her too much? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Pasha  +, writes (11 April 2008):
Hey, sorry so many of you took my opinion the wrong way! Like I always tell my children.....Everyone is entitled to their own opinion...you don't have to agree with it!! When asking a question...you must be willing to hear an answer..even if it's not what you want to hear.Good luck and sorry for the opinion!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, sorry for that last post, Pasha, I should have atleast explained.
"You need to find someone who is just as needy as you are. not the strong minded type, because eventually they will back off. Sorry."
I just didn't find that appropriate. Almost patronizing. Maybe I will stand alone on that, but that is just how it came across to me when I read it, and I didn't find it very helpful. You assume I'm not strong minded without really knowing me. You can't know me inside-out after reading a couple of paragraphs. I'll admit, I maybe came across as needy... but it would have been helpful of you to advise me how NOT to be needy, as opposed to simply telling me to find someone "just as needy".
Again, sorry that my post before didn't really explain itself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou call that advice, Pasha!? You sound like you're up your own arse.
Thanks to the rest of you though. I'm glad you actually took time to try and help me, unlike some people.
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A
female
reader, Pasha +, writes (10 April 2008):
Wow! You sound like the last guy I was married to! At first it was really great. He did it all for me. Cooked,cleaned, put wood in, laundry you name it. It came to the point that if I didnt thank him for every little thing he did he took that as an insult. He later became obsessed with me and I couldn't take it any more. I was one of those people who could not take it, I didn't realize how insecure he was. Even though we went through counselling. Not saying you are like that but sometimes woman see this as trying to control everything. You need to fing someone who is just as needy as you are. not the strong minded type, because eventually they will back off. Sorry. good luck
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A
male
reader, q1605  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 baby ducks about nailed it but i would like to add what I went through when I was your age. It was about this time I broke up with my high school sweetheart. I can tell you care about this girl a lot but no way could you feel for her like I did my girlfriend. NO WAY! When we broke up I realized that without this woman in my life that my death was imminent. I knew that my broken heart would never mend and I set about getting my affairs in order to prepare for the inevitable. I could feel the life draining from me and by degrees my world lost its color and the dream in me expired.* It got much better after awhile but I could still feel the tug at my heart. I met another girl and another but it was not enough to save me. I actually fell in love with a woman or two. Got married. TWICE. I'm still waiting for my grief to get the best of me. I think after 29 years it may not know where to find me. I always leave a forwarding address. Like tonight I am meeting a really cute blond for a drink. I will try to make it home early just in case. But if the blond wants to take me home then it will have to wait till tomorrow. I know this all sounds patronizing but as Hemingway said "The sun also Rises"
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A
female
reader, baby duck +, writes (10 April 2008):
 First of all, you are an individual ... so don't group yourself in one of two groups: too nice guy or bad boy.
Females that are attracted to bad boys have a subconscious fear of emotional intimacy. Yeah, that's a blanket statement and does not apply to every situation, but it's a generality for a reason.
Secondly, what you need to do is learn how to be healthy and well-adjusted. Being a doormat is not the same thing as being a nice guy. There is more to you than what you've shared, and we don't need to know more ... but you do. Look up addictive relationships and personality traits, etc.
Third of all, if you two really are in the 18-21 demographic, than she may have lost interest in you because she felt the urge to look around. That would have been a very normal, healthy thing to do ... no matter how perfect you are. The only way to truly be a good lifelong mate to someone is to learn about yourself first. Really. You need to date around. That does not mean you need to sleep around, either.
Take a deep breath. Exhale. You're going to grow through this. All those fairy tales about meeting your soul mate the first time around are more damaging than hopeful. Don't think you're two choices are to get her back or be heart broken for the rest of your life. Actually, the best thing you could do right now is get to know the most important person in your life: YOU.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, MissKin + ♥, writes (10 April 2008):
 I think the most important thing is to be who you are. If someone doesn't love who you really are, they don't really love you at all?
I'm sure she didn't leave you because you 'loved' her too much. maybe she does prefer a guy who is meaner, but that doesn't mean all women do. In the same sense don't let yourself be so nice that you DO get walked over. if there's something you want, ask for it. If there's something you don't want to do - refuse to. Don't give into a girls every whim. remember you have needs too.
But as for this girl - don't obsess over it. she's gone. Find someone who loves you for you.
I know loads of girls who like nice guys and in the end, nice guys deserve the girls, find a girl who deserves you.
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