A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all, I was curious to get a second opinion on a situation.Now my girlfriend is notoriously for procrastinating, motivating herself, forgetting to do important things, and is very lazy, to the point where if I ask about something she was supposed to do (For example job hunt) she breaks down into a self loathing hatred and constantly calls herself "Stupid" and how much she hates when she does this to herself, and it breaks me apart to see her like that.So I've opted to be a motivator of sorts. Where I will set a schedule of bed times, wake up times, internet times and various goals like "Handing out [x] amount of resumes" or "Doing all work for classes before going on the computer" since her and I very much a like in that I also need people to hound me to get me to do anything. I also have a system where she can choose two days per week where I won't hound her about any of her responsibilities or her schedule.My question is: Am I being too controlling of a boyfriend in doing this? I've told her that I will only do this if she wants me to, but if I do I won't let up on her if she was supposed to be doing something.A few points: we're currently both college student in a long distance relationship, both trying to save our pennies to see each other as much a we can.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): to be honest I think what you're doing is extremely unhealthy, detrimental to both her and yourself, and Co-Dependent (you can look up the definition of that word).she is dysfunctional if she can't do anything on her own that needs to be done, and you are making it so that she will continue to be dysfunctional. by running her life for her, you are making it so that she never has to learn to do it herself. therefore, she never will develop the habits and skills and new mindset to do it herself. therefore, you will always have to keep doing this for her.then what happens when one day you're unable to keep it up anymore? Let's say you become really busy with something (career, other family problems, a family emergency). Or what if you get sick. the minute you let up, things will fall apart because you have set up a system where she needs you to hold her life together. Plus, there will come a time in the future when you will just grow tired of it and want to not have to do it SO MUCH. then, things will fall apart and it will be a lot worse then because by then more will be at stake (her job or career for example, which she could never do on her own but only has because you're helping her).in the short term it seems like you're doing a good thing in helping her out when she is having problems. But doing it for her isn't actually helping her.what would you think if a parent always did their kid's homework for them because the kid was having trouble doing the homework themselves? the kid will grow up dependent on the parent but there will come a time when the parent can't keep doing everything for him anymore. It's the same with you and her.If she can't "make it" on her own - and when I say "make it" I'm just talking about being functional in daily life - then she has major problems and needs professional help to get her life on track. I know you like to feel like a knight in shining armor (that's why lots of 'helpless women' and caring men like you gravitate initially to each other) but it's actually not healthy for her, and it's not healthy for the relationship because your relationship over time will turn into more of a parent-child or caregiver-dependent type of relationship not a relationship between peers and equals. over time you will lose respect for her. If you run her life for her, you're masking the problem so it won't ever get fixed, and setting her up for a harder fall in the future.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): In the long run, I don't think you're doing her any favors.
A person needs to find their own balance, and be self-sufficient for managing their own lives.
While your intentions are great (and I believe they are!) I think the end result will be an epic fail.
You are suppose to be her boyfriend, not personal assistant. Encourage her to seek counselling and follow up with counsellor's suggestions.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 October 2012):
 As a totally disorganized ADHD person I can see both points of view... but unless she ASKED you to help then you are being parental and controlling
and even if she DID ask you to help, it's NOT the life partners place to police us ADHDers... that's what we pay a life coach for...
My hubby tries to help me with lists and reminders but if he tried to control and schedule my life minute by minute it would not be pretty.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (23 October 2012):
 She needs to be setting her own goals rather than you setting them for her. By all means help her to do this, but ultimately she must take responsibility for herself. She's not a child anymore.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 October 2012):
 I agree with YouWish. First, it depends from personality, - I am lazy and procrastinating too , but eventually, I manage to get everything done, and done well, - PROVIDING that there is not anybody breathing on my neck and hounding me.
Second, you are her bf and yours is supposed to be a r/ship between equals. Don't take up a parental role, or an authority role- don't go mixing competences and prerogatives of different roles. You may want to support her , to encourage her... but do not try to act as her daddy or teacher or coach. If she feels she needs a professional motivator, she can hire one , with a very defined, formalized role which will not spill over in her personal relationships.
Third- as long as they are not life-threatening mistakes, people need to make mistakes in order to grow and learn. Let her mess up schedules, forget appointments, sooner or later she will slam her face into a wake up call- like losing a good job for not having shown up in time to the interview. Facts are ten times better as teachers and motivators than words.
Fourth. you need to put your OWN s..t together, - start from yourself, otherwise it will be like the blind leading the blind.
Fifth : I don't doubt that your intentions are loving and generous, but, sheesh, I'd see you not as controlling, but simply as annoying ,irksome and meddling. Let her be, if you are in love with her , aren't you supposed to love her how she is, warts and all, without wanting to change her ?' If SHE feels she needs to change, and OCCASIONALLy asks your help for specific tasks, sure, lend her a helping hand. But other than that, let her find her own ways to cope with HER own problems, you are her bf, not her Swiss nanny.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 October 2012):
 I respectfully disagree.
She is an adult. She's not disabled or sick. To take on the role of her manager isn't healthy for her. It is the responsibility of people to learn how to be self-sufficient. Independent.
You can't and should not take on this role. To do so imbalances the relationship, threatens your respect for her, and instills in her an unhealthy dependency of you to do everything for her.
IF she truly "breaks down into a self loathing hatred and constantly calls herself "Stupid" and how much she hates when she does this to herself,", then she has the power to allow that frustration to motivate her to do something about it. She's fully healthy and in charge of herself, and this is her way of getting out of your tasking her to be accountable.
I want to be clear about this: You need to leave her alone about the job hunting and other things she needs to do for her life. You are neither her husband nor her father nor her therapist. It isn't a boyfriend role to do what you're doing. To do so adds dysfunction and makes the relationship unhealthy. She'll start looking to you to do everything for her, and the cycle of her hiding behind self-loathing to not have to face the tough aspects of life will cripple her.
In short, you are not helping her. I don't think you're being controlling. On the contrary, you're being controlled, in a sort of way. You need to step back and let her manage her own life in her own way. If she needs to experience the consequences of procrastination, then let her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): I think what you're doing is very sweet considering she not only seems to like, but appreciate what you're doing. Some people just click like that. She needs a big support system, and you enjoy supporting her. Have you ever seen Secretary? Well, if you haven't you should. I think you both might appreciate the rare type of romance portrayed in this film. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (23 October 2012):
 I think what you're doing is responsible. You arem't doing it to manipulate who she is, but more of a way for her to be the best you know she can be. If you know she needs a set schedule of things to get anything done then you're doing the right thing.
It's actually good that you are actively trying not to be controlling, just being helpful. If she does decide to go away from your decisions you should encourage her to be more responsible but accept her choice without malice. That is what a responsible, supportive boyfriend should do. Long distaance relatonships are rough, especially when you're broke, but they are not impossible.
Best of luck!
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