A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My Fiancee and I have been together for a few years now and at first we had a fantastic sex life but now we are down to having sex maybe once every couple of months if that. And even then she doesn't seem to be interested so neither of us enjoy it. It seems like a chore to her, where once we had such an intimate conection.I've tried bringing it up a few times but we've been under so much stress lately that every time I do, I'm the bad guy. I'm scared to talk to her about it now because I feel like I'm pressuring her and that just makes her feel worse about it which is only going to make things worse. We used to discuss what the other would really like in bed really candidly, and now its got to the point that sex is a taboo subject. I know that she's feeling unattractive but she never believes me when I say how attracted to her I am. Being with her without actually 'being with her' is becoming a sort of agony, it plays on my mind constantly. I feel so rejected and increasingly cut off from her. We are planning to be getting married but I don't know how we can do that when we can't even be intimate.I feel so selfish for wanting sex when she doesn't, it's got me feeling like there is something wrong with me. I love her, but I'm just feeling so disconnected. We both work shifts so we don't get every night or weekend together, so I really want to make the effort when we are together but it doesn't even occur to her.I can say without a shadow of a doubt that she isn't cheating on me, so I'm not worried about that, maybe it would be simpler if she actually was. Am I a bad person for feeling this way?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 May 2017):
 Its clear she is not happy with herself, she is down about the weight gain and therefore she doesn't want to show you her naked and has lost her libido. If it helps maybe you could get to the root off the problem by both joining a gym. Good clean eating and exercise and she should feel fantastic about herself, plus you will both be much healthier and have more energy.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (3 May 2017):
 So how much weight has she put on that we're actually talking about? As that'll curve a woman's self-esteem, desire and attractiveness. Nobody produces happy hormones by eating poorly etc. as it slows every component down for that person to do or desire anything. Effectively they become depressed?
If there's no other medical issues or emotional blockage causing this lack of interest; then and hopefully it's a case of her shedding some excess weight. Unfortunately this discussion is the most fatal for any man to approach his partner about.
I suggest you start by leading with healthy eating habits, go for walks together when possible and talk about getting each other out of any unhealthy lazy practices that may have developed by cosy living together and by shift-work.
As mentioned it could be sexual incompatibility, which is an emotional tough situation to be in when you love the other person who has limited physical desire for you per-say. This will require a tender yet serious discussion to ascertain the causes of this shift.
If it's to be a permanent mind-set of taboos for her, you may have to rethink getting married, because you will grow more frustrated as time passes and be tested to stay faithful as much as you are an honorable man now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2017): I think you've touched on some key issues when you say "I know she's feeling unattractive"Many of women's problems in the bedroom start here. Is there any thing that you have said to her in the past that hurt her or made her feel insecure? Often men are unaware of off-the-cuff comments they make that can cause women years of insecurity (e.g. any comments about body, breasts, weight, or ogling other women can all make the woman feel inadequate). Do you use porn and if so, how does your partner feel about it? For many women it feels like the man is cheating if he uses it. Even if they try to say they are ok with it, it usually takes a toll on their self-esteem.I would recommend having a discussion with her the next time she voices insecurity. Ask her why she feels this way when you love her wholeheartedly and think she's very sexy? Ask her if there is anything in the past where you have made her feel inadequate? Then listen to what she says. Positively affirm her at every turn about how much you love her. They often say that the number one thing that turns women on is the feeling of being desired. Show her you desire her by making out wildly with her, show your passion. Show your desire, even if it is not returned right away. Tell her how badly you want her. After affirming her both emotionally (through discussions) and physically (through making out, expressing your desire, etc) she STILL doesn't reciprocate, I think you need to have a further discussion. Ask her if she is still sexually attracted to you? Explain that this is an important issue to solve before you both go ahead with marriage. You might consider counselling. My best guess is that the lack of sex drive stems from deep-seeded insecurities in herself. She needs to be reassured that she is desirable and your ideal. However, she also has to be willing to work on her own self-confidence in addition to you reassuring her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2017): You're not selfish for wanting what you want! And you're not trying to force her to do something she doesn't want, so there's no need for guilt. But, you do need to talk about this and it might not end well.I can speak from experience, though. I've been with my wife for 13 years and things have changed a lot over that time. I'm beggining to see that nothing stays the same for very long, even sex life. But that's not to say it went back to what it was. There were tough times where I felt like you, and that happened more than once.I want to say that you should stick around because things will be OK, but I shouldn't because I can't know for sure. But what you need to do is talk without it turning into stress and blame and keep talking.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (1 May 2017):
 If the "other ways she's affectionate" was enough, you wouldn't feel this way.
It's difficult to imagine living without someone but imagine being in the pain you are in right now every day, for the rest of forever?
I just want to second that you shouldn't get married until this is sorted. If she isn't willing to discuss it then she isn't willing to try for the relationship and I'd question how much she cares? Sounds harsh but regardless of how difficult a situation it is to discuss, it is part of an adult relationship.
Could you ask her to talk to a counsellor together? Someone who can mitigate, stop it from turning into a fight, give a safe environment for her to express herself? I think putting forward the suggestion would also highlight to her how serious this is for you.
If she really doesn't want sex, it isn't important to her, and there is no way to increase her enjoyment, you may have to face that things aren't going to work out.
It is one of the worst feelings ever to not feel wanted. And to feel sexual frustration and rejection constantly when all you want is the person who should also want you. Don't do it to yourself.
I hope you can both work this out.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 May 2017):
 Sexual incompatibility is, sadly, a thing. If she had been honest with you about this from the start, maybe it would have been different. Or maybe it wouldn't.
All I know is that when I was in relationships with sexual incompatibility, it did not last. It was terrible for me, I was on the same end as you, always getting rejected, it made me feel unattractive, unloved, unwanted, he never initiated and even when I dolled up and put on sexy outfits and TRIED, God I tried, he would just roll over. Or when we did have sex, I was doing all the work. He also made extra effort, at FIRST. Then it just became less and less. Until he would just lay there and excuse himself with a head ache or what not.
Sex is important to me. Now, the sexual incompatibility wasn't reason alone that I ended things with him, but it became one of the many reasons. And sexual compatibility became VERY important for me since that relationship, and has been one of those things I check if it's a match from the very early point on. Same as asking if a person wants kids or not, for me it's a deal breaker. So early in the relationship I will ask how often they like sex or prefer it. Of course I have to rely on them telling me the truth, and I HAVE been lied to in that department. And with the result that the relationship ended... Sexual incompatibility is just that... incompatibility. No matter if you love one another. Who likes to go to bed feeling unwanted?
I think it's a matter of having similar love languages. And sorry to say, but if your girlfriend wants to keep you, and you want her, you need to start accepting that she must have sex with you even if she isn't really feeling like it. She can do other things than intercourse if she's not feeling like it, but she needs to give you what you need if this relationship is to survive. It becomes a matter of compromise, just like everything else. It's no different.
But if you refuse to accept sexual acts from her unless she feels like it herself, and she rarely feels like it, you have two choices: part ways, or live forever after being sexually frustrated.
Seriously, though. I know myself and my needs. And if it was me, I would end the relationship. Because sooner or later, if I was left sexually unsatisfied, I would start to seek sexual gratification elsewhere. And Im not a person to cheat, so when temptation would get too big, I would end the relationship. So for me, I know it WOULD come to a definite end. At some point. So better then to let the one you love go while you are both still young and have life ahead of you, and can find someone else you are more compatible with.
I did not end any of my previous relationships because I stopped loving them. I left because I realized I was not the right match for them, and they were not the right match for me. When you love someone, you want them to be with the person they are happy with, right? If that wasn't me, and I was not happy with them...Then they deserved the chance to find that special person, as do I.
And yes, if you want to know, I too have been engaged and I ended it. So I know how hard it is. But when it isn't right, it isn't right.
One last thing to try: tantric sex. It's more about intimacy than humpy-humpy, so might be more her thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2017): I'm the original poster.NShe has put on a bit of weight recently so that's why she didn't feel attractive, but that doesn't bother me at all. I'm just as attracted to her as I've ever been. I know that's not her fault.In the past where we have talked about it she has admitted that she just doesn't have as much sexual desire as she use to.I can't ask her to change, and I would never want to have sex with someone who doesn't really want it. In the past she has admitted to having sex just to please me and quite honestly I feel disgusted with myself for it, like I've committed some kind of violation.The finances are fine, and no we haven't set a date for the wedding. I just can't imagine not being with her but being with her is getting so hard, I feel all this desire towards her that she doesn't reciprocate. I feel more like a house mate than anything. She is still affectionate in other ways, but I don't know if it's enough.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 May 2017):
You're not a bad person for feeling the way you do. Have you already set a date for the wedding? If not, then at least you still have time to work through this. I would advice you to not marry her until you have worked through this problem.
I find it more concerning that you can not talk to her about sex, than the sex going missing. Communication is almost everything in a relationship. Without communication, a relationship breaks down. It marks the distinct end to any relationship, if communication has broken down. When one person will not allow the other to speak, by getting angry or "punishing" when they try to talk... Well, it's a very bad sign. I would not think she is cheating either, cheating is actually a rare reason for why relationships end/sex disappears. More often sex is the first thing that you notice a change in when the relationship is otherwise suffering. Or when one of the people in the relationship is ill, or stressed, or going through something; then sex is the first place where this will reveal itself.
If your girlfriend feels unattractive, I have to ask why. She didn't feel this way before? Did anything change? Depression? Does her family have a history of mental illness that you are aware of? Does she show other signs, such as isolating herself?
Money issues is actually the number one reason why couples break up. Money problems will also first reveal themselves through a lack of sex. When concerned about finances, you aren't in the mood for sex. How is the financial situation?
You say you both work a lot, and that you work shifts and dont' get to see each other much. In a good and strong relationship, such obstacles would not be much of a problem. But when your relationship is suffering in another department or two, such an obstacle can become too big. It takes so much extra effort to take care of your partner, when you are tired from other reasons, and then your partner isn't even there are the times when you perhaps have the extra energy to give to them.
I have found that a problem in a relationship is not actually dangerous to the relationship. All couples meet difficulties, problems and obstacles. The difference between couples who make it, and the ones you should walk away from, is really only this: Are the both of you rowing the relationship boat? When you have an argument, do you grow from it, and it does not happen again? If only one of you puts in the effort, then the relationship is not worth hanging on to. It will no doubt end. By trying to save it on your own, all you accomplish is to drain yourself. Also, if you argue, and the problem is never solved and keeps repeating itself, then it's a sign one, or both of you, aren't doing their part in making the relationship grow. It will stagnate. And relationships that stagnate, they end.
If she refuses to talk about a relationship problem, or any concern that you have, then it is clear that she does not want to solve this problem, or she belittles you and ignores your needs, or she wants out of the relationship. She needs to talk to you about this. You don't have to come up with a solution right away, but you need to open the lines of communication.
Not being able or allowed to talk about problems is much more dangerous for a relationship, than having little/no sex. So my advice is to not pressure for sex, or ask for sex, but ask for communication and being allowed to talk about this.
To the best of your ability, avoid it becoming an argument or a fight. Never say things like "always" or "never". Don't shift blame, don't pass blame, don't talk about blame at all. It's no ones fault. It's something that happens. You have your needs in a relationship, and your needs are normal and healthy. You are also bringing your concern from a place of good, make sure she knows this. You want to talk about this to fix it, help her, help the relationship. You want to communicate with her in order to make her and yourself happier and be a successful couple, so that you can go ahead with marrying her.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (1 May 2017):
 Of course not.
I think you need to confront this head on, she's not as interested in sex as much as she used to be, but what's the reason? She needs to open up. Her expecting you to be fine without intimacy is unreasonable.
Sexual incompatibility is a very valid reason for breaking up with a partner. She needs to become more transparent with you on the issue or you're very well allowed to walk away and find someone else who meets your needs.
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