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Am I right to doubt his fidelity?

Tagged as: Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 November 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 30 November 2017)
A female United States age 41-50, *sicili14 writes:

We've been dating for two years. Mostly it's been great. Lately however I'm feeling hurt because he got drunk and told my best friend and me that he wanted to "play" with us both? My friends chalk it up to his drinking but now I feel like I'm not sure if I trust him. He also has a female friend (who) used to be a crush (and of whom) he speaks favourably and brings up randomly.

He knows I feel insecure about (this). They are still friends. Am I over reacting ?

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (30 November 2017):

A high percentage of men would like to have a threesome with their wife or girlfriend and another woman. Guys get mouthy when they drink and say things that maybe they'd like to do but have no expectations of ever doing. So I don't think your guy is necessarily different than a lot of men. You've been with him for two years and this seems to be his first mention of a threesome. So it doesn't appear to be anything he's obsessed with. In fact, the thought may have just occurred to him that night while he was admiring you two, and he just spit it out the idea(probably not, but that could be the case). Guys are going to notice your friends when they're sexy, even though your friend probably hasn't consciously done anything to precipitate his interest. Most guys probably wish that their wife or girlfriend would be the only person that they'll ever be attracted to. But we are not wired as such. We are always looking at other women. But that doesn't mean we love them or would ever trade them for you.

I think you are overly concerned about this situation. It's like a skin mole...keep an eye on it but it probably won't develop into something will need removal.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 November 2017):

Honeypie agony aunt

I DO think you need to have a SOBER conversation about HOW his statement made you feel. I don't give a flying fart that he was drunk. Sure, people say dumb stuff while drunk but this? Nah...

But I don't think it means he isn't being faithful. AT ALL.

He tried to suggest a 3-some and you shot it down. It has nothing to do with HIS female friend at all. He wanted to see if you were game for a 3-some. He made the suggestion while drunk... AKA liquid courage.

That is why you need to set up some boundaries about what YOU feel is OK in a relationship and what is not. Those boundaries are something YOU and your BF need to discuss and agree on.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (29 November 2017):

Well, you have no evidence. He’s entitled to have friends, male or female. It’s also possible that he just says silly things when drunk: immature and disrespectful for sure, but not necessarily a sign of guilt. You say that you are insecure and that he knows, but does he know what you need? Does he know you need reassurance? Or does he think you’re trying to stop him having this person as a friend? It seems to me that you haven’t agreed what’s reasonable for you to expect of him and him to expect of you. If irrational jealousy is creeping in, now’s the time for that conversation. And if he doesn’t take it seriously or you can’t find a middle ground, you’re just not on the same page and it isn’t going to work.

I wish you all the very best.

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