A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A little over a year ago, I met a man who I thought was different. He treated me in a way I had never been before and accepted and loved my young son from a previous relationship in a way I could only dream of. However, here were a few issues with him lying, omitting important information in regards to our relationship, etc., that caused trust issues very early in the relationship.Then we unexpectedly got pregnant very quickly. I had reservations and a lot of ambivalence regarding my feelings for him. He was perfect in many ways but I always questioned whether he was sincere because the lies had broken the trust very early on.We were on and off while I was pregnant, but I felt like he was still very much in love with me and I with him. There were a few more incidents that affected my ability to trust him (but not physically cheating.) I had the baby and suffered postpartum depression, and we broke up. He then sneakily went to court and tried (unsuccessfully) to have my children taken away. I found out he had been plotting since the beginning to take his child from me if he and I didn't work out. We somehow got back together a few times after this. I couldn't trust him at all or confide in him about feeling bad because I was afraid that he would use it against me (all I really needed was for him to be a friend but he never was, which made everything worse.) I felt worse and worse about him and myself for loving and wanting to be with a person who obviously doesn't care for me. I have strong feelings of repulsion for him but when we break up I still find myself holding onto the fantasy that he is this wonderful person. Why can't I let go and move on? The children probably have a lot to do with it. When we get back together I am a mess and miserable but oddly comforted by his presence. When we break up I am much more calm and stable but I miss him so much I can't stand it.Now I feel like he really doesn't love me anymore. The last time we were intimate he didn't care at all whether I was enjoying it (which was always highly unlike him.) For Christmas, I gave him really thoughtful gifts and he threw some body wash in a gift bag and some cash in a bland card (again, highly unlike him.) I still feel so committed and devoted to him, but he couldn't care less about me or my feelings. He calls me horrible things and makes me feel so worthless. My self-esteem couldn't be any lower. And yet I find myself loving and wanting him to come around all the time. Plus, now I am a single mom with 2 kids who has depression and feel completely overwhelmed and like no one is going to want me. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just let go? Am I really just stubbornly holding onto a fantasy that is never going to come true?
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (29 December 2012):
 I know Hunny, I know how hard it is to cope with everything on your own and move on, but you have no idea how strong you can be or how much life could be better without this toxic influence over you.
You have two lovely children so you have plenty to keep you busy. Life sucks sometimes but with enough time and space, good things will come again, just don't keep going down the same old roads just because you are scared to try something new.
Keep your chin up, get control over your decisions and just put one foot in front of the other...life wll get better xxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe father of my first child died unexpectedly while I was pregnant.
I definitely have issues with self-esteem and with men, which I am trying to work on. I am seeing a therapist. This relationship has messed with my head big time and this past year has been the hardest of my entire life.
CindyCares and AuntyEm, I know you both are right. I am just having a hard time doing what I know I need to do. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): I wonder what happened with a father of your first child.
You give contradicting information about this man. At one point he is so good and thoughtful, then he calls you terrible words. Then he is so loving , and then again he is trying to get your kids from you.
He is lying about something in a beginning, what is he lying about? Does he have a wife, girlfriend besides you?
I m trying to feel sorry for you and be sympathetic, but to say the truth is quite hard for me to do. Your life is full contradictions and illogical behavior. It's hard for me to understand your action, and reason behind it.
Why would a grown woman let's herself to become pregnant for the second time with a man that is not her husband, also a man who is lying and with whom she has off and on relationship?!
There is not an shred of common sense here. He stoped caring for you in bed? Who cares about that little thing if he is awful in other senses, like trying to take your kids from you. Only this fact is not enough for you to stay away from this man.
Christmas present is not to you likening? How important is that, if the guy is verbally abusive and really doesn't care about you at all.
I think you REALLY need some professional therapy. To figure out what is really going on you. You obviously displaying a dselfdistracting pattern, and I m afraid its not going to lead to anything good.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 December 2012):
 In a word, yes.
He seemed perfect because you did not know him that much yet , it all happened pretty fast, and you found yourself pregnant even before he had the time to show you his true colours. Then again,this relationship was shaky from the beginning and riddled with trust issues, so apparently Mr. Perfect was far from perfect to begin with- you just chose to overlook that.
So ,now you are waiting for him to go back to be... someone that he never actually was, except in your dreams.
I must say that you must be an exceptionally forgiving and easy going person. To a fault. What, he sneaks behind your back to try and take your child away, i.e. to screw you over in the most appalling way... without even the decency to talk to you , to say " You know, you are stressed and depressed, wouldn't it be better for the child if I had it ?...", to try and convince you, no, he just plots against you to STEAL your child. .... And you forgive him and take him back. Amazing. One would think that his actions would be enough for everybody to turn love feelings into hatred , and not that I am advising hatred , but we are all humans, and that's what normally happens when we found we have been backstabbed so viciously. Yes, this guy is vicious. He must have really messed up with your head big time.
You need to do an extra super gigantic titanic effort now, and if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your child , who deserves a mom who can think straight ,stand up for herself, and take the best decisions for herself and her kids,- not a zombified love-slave. I.E., limit contacts with this man strictly to what the judge will decide, in term of visitation rights etc. He'll be ( unluckily, I say ) always the father of your child, - and that's all he should be . He is no Prince Charming, he does not love you, he never did, he will not change . You can accept it right now, and have it sting but shortly, like pulling a Band-Aid. Or you can realize it slowly , painfully , excruciatingly over a long period of time.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 December 2012):
' now I am a single mom with 2 kids who has depression and feel completely overwhelmed and like no one is going to want me.'
This is pure FEAR of the future. This is why you feel so depressed and are clinging on to a man who does not love you and does not want to be with you. These are the facts.
Continuing to cling and allow this man to treat you badly will allow him to continue to use you for sex, abuse you and treat you like dirt. The fact that you are the mother of his child probably means little to him and he demonstrated this by trying to take the child from you.
You are in a situation that millions and millions of people all over the world find themselves in everyday...
You have a child with someone who no longer wants to be with you and you are feeling confusion, pain, longing, hatred, sadness and dissapointment all at once.
The best solution would be to stop seeing this man and absolutely stop having sex with him and trying to win him back...he doesn't want you back, he just wants to stay close to his child who he probably feels he will lose contact with if he cuts contact with you.
Work out a plan where he can see his child on a regular basis and pay child support. You should avoid seeing him yourself so you can get back on a stable base and start healing and moving your child in another direction.
It really isn't easy, but you can make things less painful for yourself by accepting the relationship is over, accepting that you can survive and raise your children without him in the home and that you can move on to better and happier times.
All the while you keep going round and round in a circle you arn't going to get anywhere.
The true definition of madness is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting to get a different result...in your case the result will always be the same...he doesn't want to be with you, so get him out of your life and start moving foward.
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