A
female
age
30-35,
*t1012
writes:I had been dating my ex-bf for 8 months before he dumped me saying "we are comfortable but it doesnt mean it's going anywhere.". when I asked him if he figured he wanna break up with me two weeks before (which is when I felt like he started becoming distant), he said no and that he's been thinking for a few weeks and I am getting obsessed with the relationship. He was my first bf.Towards the final parts of the relationship, I started feeling that he doesnt care that much about me and that sometimes I am sorta low in his priority list (he would do things with his friends, but if i want the same thing, he asked me to ask my friends to do it with me). I bitched to my friends abt how immature/rude/not caring/insensitive he could be at times. One month before the BU, I "talked" to him about sth he did that I didnt like from time to time (I did cry before I talk but I was calm and I believed I was polite the whole time), he was pissed and said sth pretty hurtful, which made me think he really didnt care about me or us that much. Still I didnt want to break up because I love him, even after the times that he made me feel very sad and cried, I still saw sth special in him and I cared about him and when we were together, I was happy. I was still willing to make an effort for the relationship. The week following our "talk", I bickered a bit twice when we were texting (because I dun like sth he said abt me, now I think I overreacted) and he called me a drama queen. After that, things were normal for 2 weeks. then he started becoming distant.Now that I realized he said he's been thinking about it for a few weeks before breaking up, he prob have at least cared about me or loved me. And it's because of me not trusting him that he cared and my insecurities that got the best of me, and led me to talk to him abt the thing he did that I didnt like and bickering, and "drama" which possibly caused him to break up with me. And our dynamics have changed after the talk I did and it's prob when he started thinking about breaking up with me.Is it normal to feel like this (not knowing what u had until it's gone)? If the dumper has been thinking for weeks before breaking up, does it mean he has cared or it's the guilt that made me overthink?
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male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (28 December 2013):
 Forget about that guy, and give another one his chance. If you don't want to, well, face the consequences of your bad choices and be sad for the rest of your life. It's not a curse, it's just a pronostic as it is what happens in 99% of that sort of relationship. Xmas is over, don't hope for a miracle. Sorry.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (26 December 2013):
Sometimes love isn't enough, that's for sure. And as soon as you start taking someone's love for granted you risk losing them.
Learn from your mistakes so that this becomes a positive experience. That way when you find a guy you're a little more compatible with you'll be a more mature partner and hopefully have a better relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): He was your first boyfriend. This was a trial relationship.
You walked away with all the right thoughts. You learned.
If you don't take anything away after a breakup; you are doomed to repeated the same mistakes.
This statement is very profound, and will make your next relationship more successful:
"I realize the mistakes I made that could have driven him away. (overreacting/bickering about things he said at times, drama, that time making us "talk")"
If most of us are wise enough to do this, we will become stronger and more mature. It shows you listened and truly intend to make those corrections.
Good luck! You're on the right path!
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (26 December 2013):
 I think you probably are overthinking this but then again from what your writing here it sounds to me like that may very well be in your nature. Maybe your insecure or maybe its in your nature to analyse and dissect things something which, believe you me, can be a blessing and a curse. Im guessing that the more distant he felt to you the harder you pushed to try and pull him back close to you, which produced the opposite response to the one you really wanted.
He may well care and he may well love you but that doesnt mean he felt he could cope with the relationship with you. What it sounds to me like is that this was on his mind and he wrestled with himself over this decision. That is a good thing because it shows he cared enough to have a fight with himself about letting you go or not. I think the answer for you is to work on yourself, work on what caused this relationship to go wrong, and not worry too much about what he did and why. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, kt1012 +, writes (26 December 2013):
kt1012 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt the very beginning after the break up, I told myself that he was right that we wouldnt work. But then as I look back more in the relationship, I realize the mistakes I made that could have driven him away. (overreacting/bickering about things he said at times, drama, that time making us "talk")
And sometimes love just ain't enough?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 December 2013):
 I think most people think for weeks before breaking up. At 8 months though, if a man gets distant it usually means it's not going anywhere leading to a long term relationship. He can have feelings towards you but he is not doing enough, or willing to put effort to make you happy. You are in this deeper than him. I think he cares to make a little bit of difference but gives up when knows how high maintenance a relationship is. Don't think you did anything wrong. You have high standards so don't settle for bread crumbs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): Yes it's normal to feel like that. No, the few weeks doesn't necessarily mean that he cared a bunch.and um.. you ARE a drama queen ma'am. 1) You don't bicker about your relationship problems to your friends (or family). Not ever(excepting abuse). If you continue this you will likely never have a successful relationship.2)He's right that you should be doing the friend activities with your friends, not him. Especially in such a short relationship it makes no sense that you're trying to be so exclusive in doing things only with him. That will only make a person feel trapped and smothered... also not good if you want a successful relationship3) You do in fact seem a bit obsessed with the relationship. From what you've said, it doesn't seem like you cared about him so much as about the idea of being in a relationship... which is why you had certain strict ideas of what he should be doing, or shouldnt...which leads me to:4)You had a talk about what HE's doing wrong. That's a no-no if you want something to work. The talk should have been about you. "I've been feeling left out..." etc. Not "You always ditch me" type things. You only made him feel defensive, which pretty much NEVER works.5)You don't like what he said about you? well he didn't like what you said about him either lol. You get what you give. You set the stage for an accusation and put-down driven conversation, and that's exactly what you got.6)Never bicker via text. Seriously... this is a horrible idea. If you have a problem, sit down and talk about your problem. (notice how the problem is yours not his) And likely if the man is worth anything, he will acknowledge a few of his own shortcomings as well without you having to directly point them out.Lastly, if by chance I'm all wrong and it wasn't you're fault this all happened because he really was just that much of a jerk, was that "immature/rude/not caring/insensitive" etc... well then just be happy he's gone. :PGood Luck
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