A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 42; my boyfriend is 64--but we have a lot in common: musical interests, nightlife, movies, books, politics, travel, etc. We get along pretty well and have been dating for about four years.However, I don't feel like a priority. I know the saying about kids always coming first, and I don't have children. Every time we do something, it has to be planned around his adult kids, including his son, 32, who lives about 160 miles away from us; his daughter, 30, who lives 750 miles away, and his son, 28, who also lives about 160 miles away. His older son and his daughter now have kids, ages 1 and newborn, so he's a new granddad. Even if we have something planned, and their plans change, then we have to shift to accommodate them. When we're together--them visiting us or us visiting them--what they want to do always takes priority. I feel like he consults me regarding my preferences as an afterthought.His daughter's son was born at the end of August a few weeks ago. He flew out to see her. He's a self-employed attorney, and he took off on a Tuesday through Saturday to go a couple of weeks after the birth. Now she's planned to come here in couple of weeks to attend some bridal activities for a friend and to visit him and her mother and grandparents.The only problem: I'm a teacher, and it's the same week as my fall break. I had been mentioning to him for over a month earlier, maybe two months, that it was my fall break, and we should make plans. We usually go somewhere--at least for a few days--if his work schedule will accomodate. This summer we took a week-long vacation to San Francisco and had a great time.So then he told me he couldn't go anywhere during the week, since she'd be here. He offered for us to go to New Orleans, six hours away, on the train, at the end of the week, from Friday through Sunday. He booked the hotel, and I booked the train tickets and a place to stay the night before the early morning train leaves. He can cancel the hotel, but now I've got to see what kind of refund I get on the train tickets.Yesterday, he texted me to tell me that her plans have shifted. She'll be busy the first weekend about 100 miles away with the friend's bridal activities, and the second weekend--when we have already booked a trip to New Orleans--she'll be in town to visit. She also talked to her brothers, and one or both of them may be coming to town. Of course, they could visit with her mother and grandparents, who live in town. He said he was "kinda bummed out" about not getting to see them.I asked if we could do something the first part of the week. I had already booked a solo trip to Miami and Key West because I'm not going to sit home and do nothing over my break. I told him we could cancel the New Orleans trip for the last part of the week, and he could go with me the first part of the break on my trip if he could still book the flights. He checked his calendar today and said he has court scheduled for that Tuesday while I'll be gone, so he can't go. If we had known all of this earlier, he could have declined that court date for his case.This isn't the first time we've had to plan around his kids. There have been several others. For instance, the first year we were dating almost five years ago, I asked him about doing something on New Year's Eve, and he said he'd have to see what the kids were doing first. They were already adults! He's gotten better about that now that they're a little older, and he's discovered that they do their own thing on NYE. He once told me that had given so attention to the kids during his almost 20-year marriage that that was one reason his marriage may have fallen apart.In response to this situation, I said, "I really wanted to do something with you that week. It was important to me. Maybe should have planned earlier. I thought I tried..." He responded: "I know, but circumstances surrounding a birth are unpredictable. It's really tough for me having to choose between going to New Orleans, or spending time with all my kids and grandkids, particularly since none live here."I'm just really upset, again, because I feel like I come on the list after his adult kids, his grandkids, and his work. Am I overreacting in not feeling like a priority?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 September 2016):
 Yes and no.
Meaning, yes , you are human, it's natural and normal that you are disappointed, annoyed, even upset. Nobody likes to have to change their plans to accomodate those of a person who means nothing special to them.
No, because, frankly, what do you expect ? Girlfriend of 4 years who is local, against daughter and newborn grandkid who live 750 miles away ? That's no contest, - you are not even in the same league. Obviously he will try his best to " catch " her when SHE can, and if , by any chance, he will realize that these sudden changes are unfair and inconvenient for you- he can decide to stick to his original plans with you AND feel sad and bummed out, which would defy the purpose of going away and having a good time.
I always say that to date a divorced parent it takes twice the love , generosity and patience than for a childless partner. Add grandkids, .. and it becomes thrice.
Maybe he can kindly and diplomatically ask his daughter ( and sons ) to try being as reliable as they can with their plans, because sudden changes mess up Dad's schedule both for work and personal committments. But then again, maybe they ARE already doing the best they can, if they are not just inconsiderate by nature, plus it's normal that a child ( even an adult child ) expects more flexibility from a faraway parent than from, say, a business associate- because the outcome ( occasional, and therefore precious, family reunion ) IS more important than other social activities.
You don't have to sit at home steaming while he does his family things, though. Have always a plan B ready- nowadays " last minute " will take you anywhere. Leave alone, or with a friend, so at least you will relax and have fun anyway, even if not with your boyfriend.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 September 2016):
 Am I overreacting in not feeling like a priority?
No, I don't think so.
I think you ARE an afterthought. And I think you have "let him" get away with it so often that he thinks it's the "norm". That YOU, as you are single with fewer commitments should alter your plans all the time to suit the plans he makes and changes because HE has more commitments.
And that I would sit down and talk to him about, however, I don't see him changing how he and his kids plan stuff. It actually reminds me of my in-laws. And I have stopped catering to their "whims". I have baked and cooked for cook-outs that got cancelled 30 minutes before they (or we) were supposed to show up, and for ridiculous reasons. We have cancelled plans in the past for days of to accommodate events they suggested and they pulled out last minute not wanting to do it after all. Last straw was a small birthday bash for my middle kid - they were all invited to a BBQ, fire-pit evening (something she wanted) and they all said sure we will be there... ONLY to be no-shows. They "forgot"... CONSTANTLY. And I have told my husband, I'm done.
So I'm saying this if you two make plans and you spend MONEY on something (like train ticket) don't cancel - go by yourself. Or don't book and pay for ANYTHING till you know it's 100% a go.
You NEED to tell him how you feel. And then you need to decide if you will continue down that road (because he will not change, neither will his kids and their piss-poor planning skills) or not.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 September 2016):
 Im sorry, but I find this ridiculous. Yes, kids come first, when they are KIDS. Not when they are grown ups. It's great to have a good relationship to ones children, but after they are grown up, if he doesn't treat them as adults by now, I think that's a sign he is overprotective and yes, he's unable to prioritize correctly.
It also shows clearly that there is a divide between you and his family. As in, you're not part of that family, even after four years together. His kids don't care about your plans, and he doesn't care about your plans. It's him and the kids, planning together, and then you're the add-on. The one he hangs out with just because his kids aren't available... Or so it would seem.
Not sure what advice to give you, other than this will probably never change. It's who he is. If he had been a bit smarter, he'd have made sure to include you, make you part of his family, make you equally important to his children. That way, you would have been happy about spending time with his kids too, because if you were included as a proper 100% part of the family, you would have more of a say, your voice and opinion would have been taken into consideration equally to the opinion of his children.
Also, if his children are poor planners and keep changing their schedule, it is impossible for you to do anything as a couple. I don't make solid plans with flaky people. I arrange my own plans, and if they coincide with the plans of the flaky person, great! If not, Im not going to change everything to accommodate a flaky person. And sadly, his children being flaky means that HE is flaky.
So if I were you, I'd stop trying to accommodate him, and just go on my vacation. If this means you and him will not get to spend enough quality time together, then re-evaluate if this relationship is enough for you, and is giving you what you need.
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