A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So is it me and my large amount of bitterness and cynicism? Here are the facts, and please lemme know your ace value opinion. My bf and i have been dating for 2.5 years. As of last month I told him I didn't wanna be w/ him anymore in an emotional sense. We both complain about the same shit, and I've emotionally become ill from dealing with mood swings and guilt trips. I told him I wanted to remain friends and that I was in no rush for him to leave, he helps out with some of the cost of living, but he's mainly just playing LoL when he's not at work or asleep. FWD to today, the bush outside has gotten ridiculous. Although my house, my bush, my responsibility, I had asked of my bf to help me with it. Last week, the hedge trimmer I have, he said didn't work. Now he said to get a chainsaw, but realistically...the bush reaching my 2nd floor and the branches were super thick. So he said he could do it on his day off, a sunday. I woke up, went out and rented this tool. Thought this would be the end of it but oh no. So when I got home, I was thankful it fit into my car. I didn't consider his tiny car. When I told him he could use my car to take it back, he didn't want me driving his cause he hasn't renewed the tags or gotten an oil change cause he's broke. His checks are now being garnished for student loans and he can't contribute anything. Fine not driving his car...okay.The he blows up at me because I got a pruner w/ a chain saw at the end. He wanted an actual chainsaw. To me, it made sense to get what i got. But to him, he was mad because it wasn't a tool he's familiar with. Maybe it's my past expectations of me, but I feel if I leave a device to a man, they should be able to figure it out. But he was upset. So It was decided it was best for me to help him, him finish it quickly. All I'm doin gis helping him pull the cord. =.= Keep in mind I have work in an hour and a 1/2. So we hack at the bush, it's now much more reasonable. I decide to drop off the tool in the opposite direction of work cause of his car. I'm running late, he asks me to get him some juice from the corner store...so i do...begrundgingly. He did apologize for blowing up, which he knows he tends to do, but it's so frustrating. After i get back I speed to the hardware store, turn it in and speed to work, only to hit a wall of traffic...on a sunday afternoon...which never happens. And the cherry on top, I get to work late for my shift. I was fuming, now after emo eating am much better, but I'd like to have things in perspective. I broke up w/ him cause at times he feels like a 2nd job/man baby. I also think I have been burned by way too many people in the past that I am very jaded. He has his own issues, recognizes them and is about to work w/ a therapist; likewise I have my own, but i was left w/ the reality that either I have to change how i feel/react to things he does or leave him. I've chosen a somewhat shitty middle. Am i just too jaded?Is it a gendered expectation to assume a man can wield a gardening tool? or at the very least research it himself?Was it my fault for waiting too late in the day to start this project?After everything I've gone through, anxiety, depression, wavering self confidence, I have felt a peace not being emotionally bound to him or letting his mood effect me. And yet, when we're at our best, he's fun and he makes me happy. But I'm more irritated by things. Whats public opinion?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 August 2015):
 I'm with Cindy.
SHIT or get off the pot.
(crude but effective way of explaining your situation)
Either you MAKE it work with him, or you END it for good. Not letting him stay to "help" out with bills etc.
One or the other.
If you can't afford the place without help, get a room mate.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 August 2015):
 My opinion: this is something you brought on yourself. So you broke up with him, then why are you still calling him to hang around, to help you out, when all you do afterwards is blame him for any troubles? If you had been independent and taken your own responsibility, then none of what you complain about would have happened.
We learn the hard way, let this be your lesson to NOT ask him for favors again if you can't stand the way he helps out, and want to blame him for everything that follows when YOU'RE the one who asked him to come around. If he's such a child-man, as you call him, and blows up, and "makes you late for work" (as if that was his fault and not your own), then you can only blame yourself when you keep asking him to help you out.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 August 2015):
 I think you answered your own questions : you have chosen a somewhat ( personally, I'd make it "VERY" ) shitty middle.
Either you can put up with his shortcomings, or you can't- and if you can't, terminate both the relationship and the cohabitation.
If you have shipped out emotionally from the relationship, then basically there's no relationship, there's a clumsy roommate who does not even contribute enough moneywise. If you have the guts of taking a final stance, and put him out by the scruff of his neck if needs be, - then you can take in another roommate or a lodger or some friend of yours, and that would be more beneficial to your income, your peace of mind and your bushes.
That 's in general- regardless of the details ( chainsaw vs. pruner etc. ) .I think your frustration and annoyance come from having locked yourself into a situation that makes no sense to maintain. Yes of course at times you will have your good moments and the occasional laugh together ( as you could have with most people you deal with ), but if you say yourself that in this arrangement the cons outweigh the pros noticeably, then, well.... what are you waiting for ?
Said that, though, yes, I think yours was a VERY gendered expectation. The equivalent of somebody passing you a needle and golden thread and telling you : You are a female, now embroider me a beautiful altar cloth :).
What you are comfortable and proficient in using comes from what you know, what you have grown up with, and what INTERESTS you, not from some gender specific inborn knowledge.
My father was an absolutely brilliant man, a bona fide authority in his field of work, and a multitalented guy who would pick up anything , from chess to a new language, in amazingly short time. Yet... if we had to change a light bulb in our home,..we'd call an electrician because he had no idea what to do and no interest in learning ( and none of us either of course :)
My ex , in way, was worse , because he believed, like you, that just being a male would/ should enable him to perform correctly certain tasks. With the result that our home repairs... looked like those you could find in a crack house made by an acid tripping handyman, and then I had to call the real plumber , electrician, carpenter etc. behind his back.
Then, if you let me nitpick a bit... I will admit that I can see his point. He asks you for a chainsaw, - get him a chainsaw , not another device for him to figure out.
It's like you had sent him to the drugstore with instructions to get you a certain hairdye kit which you
know how to use and you know it will do the trick. He comes home with a different kit of a different brand, different tools, different instructions, and he tells you : Oh you can figure it out. Yes probably you can, but... would you not be annoyed ? Honestly, I would.
Then again, though, these are just irrelevant details, this is not about the correct way to prune a bush, or about the necessity of keeping cars properly mantained ....it's about you trying to keep alive an arrangement which is clearly not working anymore and which apparently brings you more aggravation than anything else.
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