A
female
age
30-35,
*_Corbi8
writes:Just to introduce myself; I’m 22, female, gay and from Ireland. I got talking to a Swedish girl who was living in Ireland for a while on a dating app a few months ago. At first I didn’t take much notice, it was just like any other girl messaging me on there – just chit-chat, random conversation with a stranger and no real spark.After a while of talking, however, I began to think about her when I wasn’t using the app and began to anticipate her next message because our conversation was so seamless. We actually had a good intellectual connection and there was chemistry between us like I’ve never had with anyone, despite only writing to each other through this app.At the beginning of May she moved to England to work, so meeting up was kind of out of the question. We still talked regularly via the app. I suggested we add each other on Facebook to make talking quicker and easier, to which she agreed. At this point we stopped communicating on the dating app and after a couple of weeks had passed – because I missed talking to her – I messaged her on Facebook. She replied a couple of times, saying how nice it was to hear from me. Things seemed fine until suddenly she didn’t reply at all. I gave it almost 2 weeks and despite seeing my last message and being online a few times, I still got no reply. I’ve no idea why but she seemed to just go cold on me. I read over my final message countless times to figure out if I may have said something wrong and perhaps owed her an apology for something. I eventually decided that I hadn’t said anything wrong and, with no actual clarification, decided to unfriend her on Facebook. That’s a stupid move, I know.At the time, I figured that she’s just some girl who I got along well with but, at the end of the day, I don’t know her and it would be easy to forget her existence. I tried to stop myself thinking about her by focusing on work and going out with one of my friends. That works well five days a week, but at the weekend I have too much free time and I can’t stop wondering. It’s almost a full two months later and I still think about her most days and wonder how she is, how’s her job going, is she enjoying being in England, etc.My questions: Am I crazy for considering writing to her on that app and saying that I miss talking with her!? Why might she have just gone cold on me? Is it even worth pursuing despite her being in another country and from a third country where she’ll have to return to eventually anyway? Or am I just over-thinking the whole thing and should just move on?Apologies for the rant, though all advice is much appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015): Again, I have to remind you and many other readers. Sometimes people have no interest in conducting a relationship through messaging and social media. The vast majority of people prefer one-on-one interaction. It's warm, cozy, and personal. It requires face-time, having a personality; and the ability to maintain interesting and spontaneous conversation. You can touch, look into each others eyes, hold hands, and when you're apart; you look forward to repeating the same. Not just starring at screens, squinting at a ton of messages, and walking into trees and lamp posts on the street while transfixed on the screen of a digital device. Getting in the path of oncoming traffic!
Then when people meet-up, they sit in restaurants on a date, looking at the screens of their devices. Then wonder why no one gives them the time of day. Because they are desensitized by reading all day. They grow numb. You become just another message. You get addicted to starring at the screen of your device. You can't look people in the eye.
Why? Because attention spans get shorter and shorter and shorter. Reading messages is boring for people with outgoing personalities and adventurous spirits. I'm one of them.
I confess. I have all the latest devices, but know when to shut them off and spend time with friends and making friends on the street and at public events. If they never text, I don't care. I get more than my share anyway. I also have a life. I suspect they do too. Yes, I get their vacation pics, their FaceBook updates, blah blah blah. I read them when I have the time. As I suspect your friend does. I set aside time to offer advice. I can reach many people. I pick certain posts that interest me, and go to town. Then I rest me brain!
Long-distance relationships, Skyping, texting, Instagram, and the use of digital devices doesn't really substitute for human connection. It's addictive to message; but that isn't the same as the emotional connection you make with meeting and actually spending real-time with a person/people.
You don't mind long-distance communication; because your curiosity and satisfaction with messaging might be sufficient to keep you interested and entertained.
Well, she has moved on; and the novelty has warn-off for her. It is easier to send long threads of messages; than to actually meet a person, exchange conversation, and figure each other out. You can't tell through a message if a person likes you, or if they're just entertained by keeping company through their smartphone or iPad; when they have nothing better to do. She's traveling and meeting people. She is exploring the world, expanding her options, and her life offers her more opportunities than sitting around waiting and sending messages.
Perhaps you should do the same. Make friends, date, and interact with people though more personal and local connections. People may consider it old-fashioned and slow meeting person to person; but more are writing the same post you are when reality kicks-in; and proves my advice to be true. I met my boyfriend out shopping in a garden center. We see each other a minimum of three times during the week, and nearly every weekend. We have very busy schedules and make our time together fun, sensual, crazy, and mystical. We have all the electronic toys, but being mature folk, we don't need them to make friends. Although, there is a pile of messages on my smartphone as I write this. I have friends who know if they want to hear from me, call and/or visit. Call to be sure I'm home. Then we'll have real conversations sharing wine, good food, my lovely home, and my hospitality.
My boyfriend and I shut off our devices when we're together, and rarely text each other. We call during lunch and/or or breaks every single day during the workweek. We're two happy campers! We enjoy the luxury of being in close proximity, and the intimacy of sharing the same space and time together. Stay in practice. People are too fly-by-night when all they have to do is drop you a message.
They get them every minute of the hour. Get out and connect with people in and about town. Find closer love-interests so you don't have to chase them down.
Try it, you'll like it. She has moved on, so should you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 August 2015):
 I would move on. I get that you are curious, but.. you could have kept up with how she was doing by NOT un-friening her on FB.
Could be that she met someone in England and thus didn't want to continue talking to you out of respect for her new partner.
And all in all, why not look for someone you can ACTUALLY spend time with? in person?
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