A
female
age
30-35,
*uddlybear
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 months.We hit a rough patch.I take medication for anxiety and depression and I've only just started them the doctor told me that they take a few weeks to kick in and that my anxiety and depression will get worse before it gets better.My boyfriend is very supportive of this he was the one suggesting I get help however I'm constantly taking my emotions out on him we argue because I feel he's not affectionate at all and I feel unloved..He thinks this is stupid and I'm over reacting.I told him I have sex with him so I feel loved and needed and I'm always trying to have sex with him 4-5 times a day he gets very frustrated at me and tells me he doesn't want to. He said he'd make more of an effort to make me feel loved. I also have two children who aren't his but he's amazing with!In a conversation the other day I told him he doesn't text me nice things (we only see each other at weekends) I said that in previous relationships if I got a text from a loved one I'd get butterflies and be eager to read it, with him it's the same old "morning beautiful" text I receive every morning. He said that life isn't going to be a fairy tale he's not a Prince Charming and he's not had butterflies in a relationship since he was 17 he's now 26.He said I'm being unrealistic he's spent years going from relationship to relationship thinking they were the one and they were soul mates and he said we've both been through a lot.He's been cheated on several times and I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years, he said after crap like that you don't expect a fairytale ending you find someone you can settle with a build a future and family with and you work on it to make it work.Am I being unrealistic wanting a fairytale ending? Or am I overthinking everything cause I'mSo anxious because of the medication? Any advice would be nice cause I feel so unloved needed and wanted right now.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 June 2015):
 Stop using your fairy tale notions of a relationship as a band-aid for your emotional problems. Wanting to have sex 4-5 times a day and then pouting when your partner isn't up for it just reflects your constant desire to be "wanted" by him so that you feel good about yourself. You don't seem to want sex for the intimacy as much as you want it for your fairy-tale notion of feeling loved by him. That's just ridiculous!
You absolutely ARE over-reacting. Between all the anxiety and constant need for approval, where is the time for your children?
You are also very lucky that you get a "good morning beautiful" text every morning. Count your blessings because he sounds like he really means it. Would you rather have 10 fake pleasantries than 2 real words of appreciation?
OP your fairy-tale is what YOU make of your life. There is no story book, fairy-tale ending for anyone. If you are happy and content in your life, that's your fairy-tale. What exactly do you expect anyway? A castle of gold up in the clouds? Get real OP, you're a mother to two children Be a role model for them rather than a silly teenager. You have a happy family...THAT'S your fairy-tale. Cherish it, or your Prince Charming will bolt out of the door really soon. No one has endless patience to deal with such illusions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2015): You are being very unrealistic, and you're driving your boyfriend away. Human tolerance and patience can only stretch so far. A lot of your issues stem from your depression. People think depression is just a feeling of profound sadness. It's also confused thoughts, difficulty making decisions, aloofness, and a lot of other emotional problems.
You're really not healthy enough for a relationship; because you're trying to use the relationship as medication, or a painkiller. You want it to make you feel better. You want it to curb your anxiety and pain from your past relationship. You'll never find a relationship that can do that. That's what medicine, recovery-time, and therapy is for. Relationships require two healthy people working very hard to survive challenges and maintain stability in their relationship. Reciprocating their love for each other; and demonstrating or expressing it in terms that make sense.
You have to have a grasp on reality in order to maintain a relationship, and you have to behave like a mature-adult.
The medication may help the symptoms of your emotional afflictions and impediments. There is no medication to make people grow-up. Continue working on your mental-health, that should be your greatest priority. Your relationship is being stressed right now; and your boyfriend is not Prince Charming. Keep it real, or he'll bail on you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2015): I'm going to go against what others have said and say I think you ARE overreacting and being a little over the top.This is coming from someone who also took medication for anxiety and depression. Part of my issue was that I obsessed over achieving this idea of 'a successful life' (mainly with jobs but it also including my relationship too). I literally drove myself nuts worrying about it.I now realise there is no no perfect ending, no perfect anything. This might sound bleak but it isn't meant to at all, it actually makes me feel better! It lets me enjoy the good times and stop obsessing about the things I think are wrong. I think your boyfrirnd is right when he says 'build a future and family with and you work on it to make it work'. Try to lay off him a bit (especially while your meds kick in) fyi I spent the first 2 weeks throwing up. Try keep calm and just enjoy life, if the majority of the time you smile and are happy with your boyf that's the most important.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2015): I'm not sure why you would want an ending, even a "fairy tale" one. I think I know what you were referring to, but the fairy tales I grew up on never actually "finish" the story. If you were actually getting the fairy tale ending, wouldn't your story have gotten to the "ending" about 2 minutes (and some screen credits) after your first kiss? That may have been fine when we were 5, but shouldn't our interpretation of what a beautiful fairy tale is mature with us? As a mom I imagine you had some rosey ideals about peacefully sleeping cooing bundles of joy before your babies were born. However sleepless nights, dirty diapers, cranky toddlers and temper tantrums paint a very different story of what it is like to be a mom then we see in a baby food or diaper commercial. Do you love you kids any less... Absolutely not! Your love for your kids grew with them, and is a sort of fairy tale in itself. Ok sometimes it is a little messy around the edges, but the love is real. i have been married to my husband for 16 years, we have three kids. There are still times I still get butterflies. There are times I am greatful he is out with friends because he is getting on my nerves. There are times I want to rip his clothes off and jump him... And times I want to rip them off cause I'm trying to do laundry and they reallllly need a wash. I love when he brings me flowers on occasion, and sometimes I love it more when he brings home a gallon of milk when we just ran out.A fairy tale is out there for you, and it may be exactly where you are, with the man you are with.... A man you describe as great with your kids, a man you describe as caring and supportive of your health. The fairly tale may look a bit different up close... You WILL see the downs as well as the ups. But overall it is a journey, not an ending.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2015): The person who is making you feel unhappy is yourself. You dont need sex five times a day to feel loved. You already have two beautiful children who probably think your the best mummy in the world..and you wont get that type of accolade when theyre older, believe me. As your still so young, i think you will bounce back from your previous abusive relationship and learn to value yourself. Children are an amazinv gift from God.Congratulate yourself on picking a man who gets on well with your little ones and take them to the park together and be one big happy weekend family. I think the boyfriend is sound to keep it for weekends only for now, i hope he pops the question one day and becomes a happily married live in daddy , but that will only be a happy beginning, not a happy ending,because no amount of romance will stop the youngsters from worrying you to death at times when theyre niggly or poorly or ill. Sex five times is such an odd request in a way unless you are practicing to be a future porn star, so be happy with yourself, be happy with the little ones and be happy with yourself..just get out there and fly that kite..now that would be a happy film ending!(cue violins)
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A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (11 June 2015):
I'm not suggesting love isn't worthwhile. Nor am I suggesting anyone should give up and settle.
The fairytale is when it's all good, and no bad. There are a lot of people who learn about love via stories. Those stories always tell you that once you find your "One true love" the rest of your life will magically fall into place, and you'll have this effortlessly happy existence.
That basic premise is a lie.
If you talk to your two friends who still get butterflies after 10+ years, and ask them about concepts like Sacrifice, compromise, and conflict resolution, they'll relate to those concepts via their relationship. Why? Because love takes effort. It take work to maintain. Meeting "The One" and magically falling into an effortlessly bucolic existence for the rest of your life does not happen.
Love is wonderful. Love is powerful. Love is beautiful. It is all these things. Love is not, however, a fairytale. It requires work, maintenance, and effort.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2015): No the fairytail is not a lie. I have two very close friends married to kind generous and trusting men. They both love their husbands dearly and still get butterflies after more than ten years when they see them.
Never give up on love. If you settle then your light goes out and you are existing.
Hard work, patience, preservation yes these may all be required but isnt anytging eorth anythong
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (11 June 2015):
I'm afraid I've only got bad news for you.
First thing's first, your BF is being a jerk. Maybe it's just his personality, but if he's in a relationship with someone who TELLS him she needs more emotional input, and he can't bring himself to help her feel loved and appreciated, then he needs to grow up. That's part of the give and take of a relationship.
On the other hand, sex 4+ times a day is not a sustainable behavior pattern for most people. It might be something he can do for a mad, hot weekend once in a blue moon, but most people won't be able to maintain that sort of activity level for long.
The problem with the fairytale is this; it always ends when the relationship begins. Think about it, all the romantic fairytales are about the unearthly struggle of the two lovebirds to overcome the world so they can be together. It is left as an unspoken assumption that once they are -able- to be together that their relationship will be perfect. "Happily ever after" I billed as the natural and effortless ending to the struggles to start a relationship.
That unspoken assumption in the fairytale has done more damage to real world relationships than almost any other factor. "Happily ever after" takes ongoing work on the part of both partners. The fairytale is a story, a myth, in short - a lie.
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