A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I'm hoping to receive some impartial advice on a problem I'm experiencing ATM.Been with my GF now for over a year and living with each other for a month. While on holiday it came to my attention that a guy she had 'fun' with between her ex and me has contacted her on facebook and in texts. I've been assured that he was just being friendly but I'm thinking he's just keeping one finger in the 'pie' so to speak.I don't want to be the jealous BF, especially about her past, but when her past has a place in our relationship now, I don't like it. She says it's harmelss and they're just friends but the way I see it they were never true friends in the first place - just 'fuck buddies'!?When I broke up with my ex I ended up with a 'fuck buddy' but in respect to my GF I cut all contact with her because we meant nothing to each other.Am I really just being unnecesarily jealous or do I have a valid point?Thanks for any responses.
View related questions:
broke up, facebook, her ex, her past, jealous, my ex, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): OP here again,
So I talked to my GF about this again in a nice, mature way. I said I didn't like the fact that it seems like she is holding onto something that meant nothing while she is committed to me. She couldn't understand this and asked me if I trusted her? I said it isn't a case of me trusting her but rather me not trusting the man (turns out there's also another man that may/may not have had sex with her but was wooing her none the less).
She said she would delete them for me but I don't want that, I want her to delete them from her life when she understands that it hurts me knowing she is holding onto these men who made her feel good about herself at a time that she needed it (which I fully understand) when she has me now to do that all for her!
She also said she wouldn't delete them just to dig her heels in for the simple fact that she has the right to be friends with whoever she wants (when she already acknowledged they wern't 'friends').
Any thoughts?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): All bets are off then OP. I personally would tell her that this is not an issue that is going to go away for me. That the longer this goes on the less trust I'm going to have for her and something tells me she sees something too good in him.
She's a bit old now to pretend to be this naive and in my opinion she's crossing a line. By not getting rid of him she's being far too protective of her "right" to have him woo her and to me that's a step too far. If she wants to act like a single girl and have guys come on to her in this way then maybe she should be single.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): If this guy was an ex-BF, would that be okay too?
If it was you talking to an ex-GF, would your GF think it was harmless?
This is one of the problems with modern casual sex relationships. People want the perks of a sexual relationship but they want to ignore the responsibilities that come with it, like staying away from the person once a new "real" relationship starts.
If your GF was fucking him then he is not harmless to your relationship.
She might not see it that way. Many women don't. But many women are not men. And those are the same women who keep ending up back into bed with guys like this periodically, never learning to predict & understand why.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): Hi Guys, thanks for all your responses!I have now been told that it's ok because he also has a GF which apparently makes it all good and all he's doing is asking how my GF is? I would say it's not fair on his new GF too, in that he still feels the need to text his old f^^^ buddy?I've approached the subject before and she says I should just see the good in people and not to be so jealous but I'm a man and I know how a mans mind works, he's seeing if she replies and if she does then he's still got some sort of a shout with her!!Annoying as hell because my GF has put her foot down that she isn't going to delete his number etc?!?!?!
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (26 July 2012):
 You have a valid point. Most of us are rarely jealous over a past lover until they come knocking on our present door. Stand your ground. She needs to ditch this guy.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): She is being unfair. Out of respect for you, she has no business having this guy in her life. You are absolutely justified.
My ex gf used to pull that stuff on me. I know how you feel, man. It's really unfair. There are certain people that its plain disrespectful to have in your life when you commit to someone else. A former fuck buddy is definitely one of those disrespectful people. put your toot down.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (25 July 2012):
 And, for those who are analyzing the whole dynamic of your relationship with her and her relationship with him...this should not even be an issue! As her boyfriend, you should not have to analyze what her affiliation is with another man because there should not be one. Unless it's a neighbor, coworker, pastor, or some other sort that she has never and will never be interested in...she should not have any other affiliations with men.
Contrary to popular belief, "talking a little here and there" is exactly what gets people into trouble. One of my friends did the exact same thing...just a little HARMLESS (her word) "talking here and there" and after their little "reunion" slept together! Cerberus is right on again...these things are not harmless!
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (25 July 2012):
People can talk this subject to death, but it all boils down to ONE thing. Men and women who have had romantic feelings/sexual feelings for one another cannot be friends. Sorry to those of you who disagree.
I could see an old friend contacting someone through FB. I cannot see giving out a text number to text someone who is in the past who should no longer matter. Especially since they never really were "friends" to begin with.
Just because we have 24 hour access to people now doesn't mean we should. If she likes YOU and wants to be with YOU, there is no reason to spend much time Facebooking or texting.
But, as you probably know from many posts on this site, many people find being friends with an old flame a-ok and not really a big deal. All I know is that it has never worked for me or anyone I know, and it always ends up in a mess. The other thing I would say is that when two people care about one another in a romantic way, they should not need or want other people of the opposite sex to supplement their relationship.
In answer to your question...YES you have a valid point.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 July 2012):
 You need to be more clear about your point here. What exactly do you want her to do? What exactly is crossing the line here for you? You can't prevent him contacting her. Is she responding back, is that the problem? Has she agreed to meet him, are they hanging out? Or do they have conversations through texts etc, and that is the problem?
You shouldn't make this into tit for tat. What you and a former fuck buddy had isn't what she and this guy had. Their relationship and communication could very well be, and in the past have been, on an entirely different level than what you had with your former fuck buddy. So you can't really compare the two, or say tit for tat. While you have no interest in keeping up communication with your former flings, doesn't mean no one else are allowed to want to.
That said, have you talked to her about this in a mature way?
I don't think just talking a little bit here or there is a problem. If they plan to hang out then that'd be different. If she's not telling him she's got a boyfriend now, it'd be a problem. If she's flirting with him it'd be a deal breaker. But, if all that's happened is he's said hi and she said hi back.. then no worries. If he wants more then she'll cut him out. As long as it's just a random text here and there it's not a threat. But if it is daily texts, if she stays up at night talking to him, if she blows you off because she wants to see him.. Well, then you've got a problem.
This is just my personal opinion though. But if you feel the line is crossed, or that this is not good, then talk to her. Tell her you feel uncomfortable about her interacting with her former fling, maybe you can ask her in a gentle way if she's informed him about her being in a relationship? And ask her why she talks to him, if she thinks he and her can be friends, or if they're just having a polite "how are you doing"- catching up conversation.
Once in a blue moon I speak to my exes. They'll send me a message asking me how I am, and about my current relationships. Not to meet up, but just to hear how I'm doing. No harm in that. I think it's a good thing if your girlfriend told you about talking to this man, that way you know she's up front with you and being honest.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): OP you know as well as I do that it's not harmless. It may be for her but it's certainly not for him, he is without a shadow of a doubt pursuing your girlfriend but you may well be screwed OP because women don't see it that way generally.
There was an interesting study done recently about this, now this newspaper is complete crap and unreliable but I checked the study behind this article and it's quite concrete besides you're a guy you know how it works.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2178297/What-Harry-told-Sally-right-Why-man-just-friends-woman--attraction-gets-way.html
I say you're screwed OP because most girls think that guys like him are just being "friendly" we both know nothing could be further from the truth.
I would talk to her about it and tell her you're very uncomfortable with the situation, you're not questioning her trustworthiness for a second but you know in your heart he's not interested in her as a friend because they have no history of friendship and all they had was sex.
Basically OP you don't like the idea of this sniffing around her because you don't trust his intentions to suddenly turn up out of nowhere and start being "friendly" again.
I personally wouldn't stand for it. My girlfriend doesn't get to build relationships with guys who are interested in her as more than friends and still get to have me and she knows this so she doesn't. After 7 years though and a few guys who have tried she fully understands that there is no such thing as a random non-friend guy "just being friendly" and wanting to be friends, we guys just don't befriend women we're attracted to without some kind of romantic interest, we have plenty of friends as is.
...............................
A
female
reader, /\Julie/\ +, writes (25 July 2012):
Welllet's just say at first , guys hit on girls like often they don't care if they are in a relationship or not , all they know is that they will try to score no matter how hard it is . But it's up to girls to stop theem or mot , i don't think the intention of that guy is good and he just wants to be friends with her , it's useless you onow since he can find other girls to befriend them .recalling that guys are humters they like to chase . So you just need to get your girlfriend to notice thAt she doesnt need anyone but you , and that would be by holding her tightly paying more attention to her while she's speaking , surprise her with a nice dinner , and if she still thinks about talking to the other guy claiming they're just friends then you need to tell her right away that you don't like it and you know the guy's intentions aren't the way they seem to br for her .and if she didn't agree with you it would be because she likes it and she wants to kep it . Maybe you're missing giving her some thing she would want you to , you never kmow , you just have to do what's right snd minglr with her more .
...............................
A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (25 July 2012):
 This guy is did respecting you and your relationship in my opinion, your girlfriend might not have any feelings towards him but it's still not right her txtin him, tell her your not happy about it, there's a difference between a male friend and as you say a 'fuck buddy' if she can't see your side of this then she's showing no respect for your feelings, personally I'd tell this guy to back off if it gets any worse, talk to her first
...............................
|
