A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This likely sounds irrational but it's been playing on my mind lately.. My boyfriend is a talented artist, just as a hobby, and most of the subjects he paints are fantasy figures of naked or provocative women with say mythical creatures. This has always bothered me a little but not a great deal. Now I am five months pregnant with his second child and have put on a few stone as a result and have problems shifting due to a thyroid problem.. Every time I see these paintings - which I might add he hasn't done since being with me regardless of my not saying anything until recently - it make me feel insecure. He had never been with a girl before we met but many of these pictures adorn our flat walls.. I have said several times that I find it unsettling but they remain there. Our sex life would be good as ever but now I feel like covering up and make excuses a lot to not get intimate. All I can think of is that they are what he wants, but trust me no woman could hope to match up to them. Am I being irrational? Any advice would be splendid! Thanks x
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 so because your confidence has taken a nose dive, you are less able to endure things you once would have laughed off, or not noticed.
That's indicating to me that your stress level is higher than it was before. That's why you shouldn't refuse any offers of help. He too may be feeling stressed too, and so not as able to notice your stress level. And thus not as receptive to clues you may inadvertly be signaling that you are stressed.
You really really need support right now.
Your emotional bank needs some deposits, and can't handle any more withdrawals.
Your family rely on you, and your support.
So your emotional bank always need to be well and truly in credit.
And you cannot allow your emotional bank to ever go into 'the red'
You make deposits to your emotional bank by doing good positive supportive things for you by you. And you receive deposits to your emotional bank when you allow others by others to be kind, caring and helpful to you.
You make withdrawals from your emotional bank (lessening your reserves) when you have to use your energy to deal with issues that are upsetting, tiring, or distressing to you in any way. You also make withdrawals when you use up lots of your energy to attend to the necessary needs of others, where they are unable give back to you in return in a similar way.
Ask for what you need. Don't suffer in silence. You are everything to your family. They rely on you. So it is very important that you are well supported at all times.
It is not silly nor extravagant for you to buy yourself a bunch of flowers. Nor is it wrong if you have a long soak in the bath, even if the washing needs to be folded.
Make it a new year's resolution to be very very kind to YOU this year. And then watch your stress levels redice slowly.
I can still recall my hormone levels must have been in turmoil, just prior to the birth of my first baby. I walked inside, after being out shopping, and found my husband and his father had still not started painting the nursery. I sat down and sobbed. I was acting like it was the end of the world. My beautiful mother in law took charge, ticked them both off, put me to bed and put all my shopping away and fixed dinner. It was exactly what I needed at the time. I was finding things crowding in on me, and I was overwhelmed. I can look back and laugh now, but it was very real at the time.
Tell your husband that a little (achievable) pampering, doing whatever it is that you want, is required to get those emotional deposits flowing.
Best wishes.
So his refusal to realise
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): I will disagree with some of the other posters.
No, you are not being irrational. You are pregnant, and it majorly changes your body, the hormones are wildly different, and erotic pictures of other women are NOT the turn on that your guy may find them to be.
"my having to see these images everyday when my self esteem is already shot"
What you need is whatever you need to reassure you.
Nothing should adorn the walls of your home that does not build you up and strengthen your self esteem and increase the security of your feelings in the relationship.
Period.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your advice! I draw a lot myself albeit of very different subject matters so I can see where you are all coming from - one thing that plays on my mind though is that he is not painting purely because he thinks I may think this (the last thing he painted was me, although in a totally different way to his 'usual' work.. I think maybe it's not him doing it which I always accepted, but my having to see these images everyday when my self esteem is already shot, where a few years back I was a lot more confident in myself..
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 Yes you are being irrational. Those things he draws is his art. If he painted flowers would you be jealous of that? No. Look at his art the same way, they are fantasy creatures. He finds them beautiful like you find flowers beautiful, or a wild animal beautiful. It's not a comparison to YOU!!!
So yes, you are being irrational. But I honestly do not know how you are supposed to get over it, other than taking a serious grip on yourself and your self-esteem and start working at it. Fair enough that some of his pictures might be disturbing, the fantasy artwork I've seen of alien-like females with beats are typically of a highly erotic nature. Sex sells. And if they are anything like what I've seen I can understand it's not something you'd find appropriate to hang up in a family home. In the boys room yes, but not in the nursery exactly. If they bother you, ask him to take them down as you don't find them appropriate. But, don't mention how you compare yourself to a beast-like female from a fantasy land.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 February 2011):
Being pregnant can impose or create all manner of pressures. And people are very forgiving if a pregnant woman becomes a little more sensitve and a little more emotional and even irrational from time to time.
And I think too many of these pictures may be disturbing your calm. Maybe it is time you contacted the "6o minute makeover" lady and had some redecorating of your living space to make it calmer before the baby arrives?
And in the Chinese Feng Shui book such pictures might be seen as disturbing the equilibrium of a room. And being more sensitive at this time you are picking up that vibe.And feeling extra protective about your babies, present and expected, you are wanting to protect them from the vibe sent out by this fantasy pictures.
One baby is born some of the weight will work off you, especially if you breast feed as that helps to contract the uterus and helps lose weight.
Try not to request a blanket removal of the pictures in one big clean up. Maybe ask if they could all be grouped on one wall. Maybe a hall wall? And make for a calmer living space? But tread very carefully on this as he may feel insulted if you want to remove them all in one go. He n9o doubt feels proud of his creations. Ask him which one is his favorite and why. Get him to expand on what it is that he loves most about the one he loves the most. Obviously his biggest favorite has to stay there for a little longer.
And one day when you are out walking and you see a print shop find a calm landscape that you really like. Show him how much you love it, and why, because it calms you, and say quietly, "you could paint one of those. Could you paint a picture like this for our walls?" Get him inspired. To try a different style of painting.
And while he is doing it ask him which is his less favorite fantasy painting currently on the wall at home and why? Get him to expand on how it could have been better if that is an issue. Slowly shift the conversation over time to: "so if this is your least favorite painting could we take it down off the wall?"
Then ask if you could put his new landscape up there instead?
He might even be able to start a small business painting calm landscapes that he could sell to others, if the style he chooses appeals to enough people.
This way you are still supporting his creativity, but slowly you can replace his fantasy pictures with things that bring calm to your living space.
Once baby arrives you will feel like getting out more and getting more exercise walking baby. try to work out a plan now for how you can get the exercise. And try to work out how you can introduce more healthy meals, vegetables and fruit into the meals you make. And see how you can reduce the amount of food that is fried or sugar laden. It's a one day at a time step by step process.
You could also start by keeping a little book in your purse that records every morsel that you eat daily, what, when and where and how much. Then at the end of the week look at it and see the pattern, and see where you could make changes.
These are fantasy pictures that apppeal to his creative being within. At a time when he needed to paint these pictures they satisfied a need in him, at that time. And he may even choose to create again. Paintings or something else. Maybe create in the same style again or another style. Or even another subject.
Interesting that he hasn't needed to paint while he's with you. So you are providing something he needed in his life earlier, before you entered his lifem when he was painting the pictures. Or other responsibilities may mean he does not have the time to be as creative any more. But these are fantasy completely.
Try to encourage his creativity. Because if he is creative then this is not the only thing he can create.
He's not complaining about you, so don't be too hard on yourself. Being pregnant can be a tough time. Relax, put your feet up and get plenty of rest. Because you know how much more tired you will be in the weeks after baby is born.
And take time to sit and relax with your guy and find time for calm talks, as once again you know that free time will be much harder to come by, once baby is born. Do you have a wise kind caring Mom or Mom in law who would be willing to help out, and take the pressure off you in the weeks after baby is born?
Hope all goes well soon once baby is born. Best wishes to you, your guy and your babies, present and future.
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A
male
reader, Demoni +, writes (1 February 2011):
 To be honest you do sound a little irrational. I think you're just feeling less attractive because of your changing body, it will pass eventually. The important thing to remember is that your boyfriend finds you way more attractive that you think you are (it's just a fact that most women judge their appearances much too harshly). The fact that he (as you said) hasn't done any of these paintings since you two have been together should be a clear indicator that he doesn't desire these women.
Most artists know the difference between fantasy and reality (and for the record the men in the type of work you are talking about are no more realistic that the women) so let him be proud of his work and even if he does start up again it will only be because he misses seeing the fruits of his labours as a writer I can attest to the fact that if I go too long with out writing I get a little tense.
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