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Am I asking too much? Can I trust him?

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 May 2017) 2 Answers - (Newest, 16 May 2017)
A female Australia age 26-29, *teffy writes:

My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot over the last 3 months. It started as I was nitpicking at him and I think it was due to my parents divorcing and me desperately wanting him to be there with me. I live at home with my Mum and brother and its a messy divorce and emotionally draining.

Recently my Mum came down sick with a stomach virus. she was sent home from work during the day as she threw up at the counter. She was at home alone. That same night I was supposed to visit my boyfriends house for dinner as his Mum had been away on a 4 day cruise. My loyalty felt torn. The boyfriend offered that I take some soup to my Mum after I had fininshed dinner - but that would have been quite late in the night.

He got home from work that evening a bit early so in an attempt to get soup food to my Mum and be at his place for dinner, I asked him if he could take the soup to her while I was on my way to his house so that we could both be there for when his mum got home. He said no, as he thought traffic would mean he would be late back to see his Mum. He lives at home too.

I got a bit offended as I always thought he would be there to help me with my family. Being anxious I asked if on a regular day when his Mum hadnt been on a cruise would he have helped? And he snapped at me saying no he would not have help and that I was a user. He said that he would only help if he was doing absolutely nothing at all. He has helped in the past on various occasions. t isnt like he does nothing. But he is Italian and makes a big deal about his family and us being one big family....doesnt feel like it in these moments.

This has hurt me more than words. My mother means everything to me and we need support now more than ever. I understand we have been arguing a lot and times are tense but it feels like he isnt the man he made himself out to be. He apologised for snapping, and admitted that the way he said things was below the belt. He said he doesnt know why gets so angry now -I thin its the months of fighting. But he also said that I need to be more understanding and respectful of him and his family.

I personally dont understand how being late for a regular home dinner compares to helping my family when someone isnt feeling well.

Im hurt beyond words, and just feel like the trust I had in him to be there for us has disappeared. He used to say he would do anything for me but now I can clearly see that it was just a figure of speech.

With all of this going on I am questioning whether I want to be him. He thinks we will be fine and this is just a small speed bump. A fight that we just put behind us. We have been to couples counselling to try to help us thorugh these last few months as we think my parents divorce may have had an impact on us, we have been fighting non stop. We think on some level my parent divorce has affected my ability to trust him and forgive mistakes, and his ability to emotionally be there for me.

He is a good man. He doesnt lie, cheat, or steal, he has a large grup of friends, a great job. But lately I feel constantly let down by him. I dont feel like a priority to him.And all the words we said - that he would be there for me and my family no matter what - feels like a lie.

Am I asking too much from a man? Do you thin he did this in anger but actually really would be there for me? I want to trust him again but I am having a really hard time.

View related questions: divorce, lives at home

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYes you are asking a lot from him and expecting a lot from him. You knew he was having a welcome home meal for his family, and obviously he would not have wanted to be late for that. But instead you go in a strop because he cannot deliver soup to your mother? I mean surely if she felt the need she could have re-heated a tin of soup in the microwave for herself? Honestly I know she had a stomach bug but am sure she is still fit to look after herself. I could see the point if he was doing nothing but you knew that he had plans.

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A female reader, NORA B Ireland + , writes (16 May 2017):

When two people are in-love,at the best of times its difficult.We expect the other person to be 100% prefect all the time and to respond to our individual needs and when this does not happen..we are hurt,disappointed and wonder what is wrong.Sometimes we think the other person is in the wrong...when it might be a little wrong on both sides.Reading your mail,you have no problem in explaining the situation at all .Now i understand that both you and your mum are having a most stressful time and its almost impossible to deal with everything.Also i would understand that your boyfriends family is so important to him Would you consider in a calm and cool fashion to have an indept chat with your boyfriend...explaining almost what you have in this mail,and asking him for understanding and telling him how much you appreciate him at all the levels that you stated in this mail.Maybe it is not a matter of trust on your part..rather you have an overload of STRESS..at this.Take time and talk to each other.As you stated he is a good man at so many levels.Kind Regards NORA B.

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