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Is my ex a manipulator?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 May 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 19 May 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi All,

I would like some advice on a person I stopped seeing recently and whether she sounds like a manipulator or I am thinking too much into things.

We split up after about 18 months and we went no contact, I was doing fine and then she decided to start pestering me whenever she saw me which I ignored her advances initially but we ended up sleeping together some time later.

We had a discussion about where things stood and she told me she didn't want any commitment and then blocked me on everything.

Do you think she could of done this because I was moving on and she didn't like it? I didn't think of it this way at the beginning but the more I do the more I think this is what she did it for.

View related questions: my ex, split up

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thankyou cindy, I really value your answer. You have made me feel a lot better.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (19 May 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt I don't know, OP. I don't know her. Maybe she is- or maybe not. Maybe just egocentric.

Narcissism is the pursuit of gratication out of vanity ot egotistic admiration of one's own abilities.

Egocentrism is an inability to understand or to assume any perspective other than one's own.

If this girl enjoys having you wrapped around her little finger and seeing you squirm , because this in her eyes confirms her seductiveness, attractiveness and the power she can exert over people, then she could be a narcissist.

If, instead, she thinks that , since you both can't each have what you want- then it's much better if SHE gets what she wants , no matter how that pains you- then she could be an egocentric.

Keep in mind, I'll say it once again, that , within certain limits, putting oneself first is, not only natural, but healthy too.

Some times you HAVE to be self- centered , you have to put yourself at the center of your world,i.e. when being " nice " or selfless or accomodating or whatever, would put you too far away from attaining your goals , reaching your potential, or experiencing fulfillment .

In this light, we can't accuse this girl of being "selfish ", just because she cannot / does not want to give you what you want from her. ( But I suppose this is a given ?, and that you will agree with me ).

We could call her egocentric , if , just to gratify her impulses, she came back to tease you, without considering or caring how badly that was going to affect you.

As for narcissist, I think we can absolve her of this accusation, unless she really did not give a rat's ass about you, and tried to fish you back just in order to pat herself on her back for her sex appeal , charm and oneupmanship .

All in all, you know what I 'd do, in your shoes ? I'd take a leaf out of her book, and I'll be a bit ego - centered myself.

I mean, I am sure you miss her a lot because she is hot sexy and all that, and maybe smart ,fun, whathavya, but- what about you ? Can she give you what you DESERVE ? The respect, affection, kindness, even admiration and gratitude ? Heck no ! Can she make your life better in any ways, your sleep sounder, your days brighter ? Heck no ! au contraire. ... Then... this begets the question : what 's her USE to you ? What is she gonna do for you, what value is she gonna add to your life ? Diddly squat, she's gonna add. Therefore, she is totally, utterly disposable.

Practice thinking in this terms, practice wanting more, expecting more, accepting LESS:

the ideal would be of course a relationship of equals, where nobody would be dancing attendance around the other, nobody would bend over backwards - but IF there must be any bending and dancing done...... make damn sure that it won't be done by YOU !

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you cindy for your answer that makes a lot of sense.

Maybe she is a narcissist? I have read about it lately and it seems similar to what you have described.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (16 May 2017):

CindyCares agony auntYes, your explanation is a possibility. " Dog in the manger syndrome " is very frequent. They don't want you- but when they see you don't want THEM, and / or you start wanting someone else... then they want you again.

But personally, and considering that eventually she has blocked you ( so ,given up to you again ) I think it is simpler.

She is a self centered - person. A me - first type ( which, within reasonable limits, is not even a wrong way to be ).

She wants what she wants when she wants it, and at HER conditions. If you are on board with what she wants ,( in terms of what relationship and when and how often etc, ) great. Otherwise, she has no use for you.

Now, I know I just said that it is not a bad thing to know what you want, and how to go about getting it- but hopefully, and in theory, one should try to do that without hurting other people and stepping on their toes.

In practice.. it does not happen . Not very often.

This girl, apparently , likes you, but only at her terms and conditions. She does not want a relationship with you, she only wants you every now and then.

So, since you clearly weren't and aren't happy with that,... of course she SHOULD be more generous and considerate of your feelings. Of course she SHOULD leave you time and space to heal and move on. Of course she SHOULD also think of what's best for you and not just best for her.

Guess what ? She should; but she does not. Because she cares way more about what works for herself than what works for you. She cares way more about having things her own way, than coming up with something that's acceptable to you.

Human nature, you know. It's not surprising. It's always " buyer beware ". You can HOPE that people have also your interest and your feelings at heart- but you cannot ever count on it.

What you are saying, I guess, is : it would have been so much easier for me if she had left me alone and had not tried to lure me back.

True. But her " job " is not to make things easier for you, it's to make them easier for HERSELF- and that's what she did and is doing.

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