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After I told him I’d give him space if he needed it, I haven’t heard from him! What next?

Tagged as: Health, Long distance, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 May 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 22 May 2018)
A female Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi, I’m in a LDR online. We do know each other in person but a few months ago reconnected. Things have been going well but recently he has been going through much stress with his business and children. Things (for him) seem to be getting worse daily. I didn’t know what to do as we are so far apart. I sent him this “I feel like I'm too much for you right now. I feel that you need space and have many other things that eat you. I want to give you space to do what's right for you. I'm very worried about you and if you need me, I'm here for you. I love you. I do not want to contribute to your stress.” I have not heard anything and I know he read the message. What should I do?

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom + , writes (22 May 2018):

malvern agony auntI'm sorry I completely misread your letter so my previous answer was totally useless - I thought you'd never met him before, I do apologise. If this man has not responded to you then I would leave him well alone. If he really wanted to contact you, and be with you, he would make every effort to do so. It's best to move on and try and find somebody more suitable.

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom + , writes (21 May 2018):

malvern agony auntWhat you should do is to stop wasting your time. If you have never met this man you can't possibly know whether he's telling you the truth about anything he ever says. I've been through all this myself online. If you haven't met them after two or three emails then move on. The man who's worth his salt will want to meet you. I met my husband on line. We had two emails then he said we should meet. He was much better in real life then on screen ! Each of us had met others before neither of us had gelled with anybody else. So I would say to you "keep searching" because this one's not right for you. Do you really want a man who's full of problems ? Is that what you really want in your life ? I doubt it.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (17 May 2018):

CindyCares agony auntYou should perhaps learn to say what you mean and mean what you say. It sounds to me like you sent him that message not to be taken literally, but in the intent or hope that he would protest, explain, apologize , reassure you ... that you got him all wrong, that he realizes he's been distant but he'll work on things and try to improve...stuff like that.

Instead , he read your message and probably thought " Oh cool, she GETS it . I do need space, and luckily she agrees with me ;no fuss, no arguments. Pfeww ! " .

Ok, I get it, it would be nicer of him answering you and maybe thanking you for being understanding etc.

OTH, how would this be " giving him space "- if he has to engage in conversations with you , explain and detail everything that goes on in his life and through his mind, justify himself, etc. ?

You offered him space to do what's right for him, and he took you at face value. If he chooses to cut off contacts , it means that he feels, with all the troubles he's got, that cutting contacts IS the best thing for him.

You seem surprised and taken aback that he is doing exactly what YOU have suggested . Then why suggesting it in the first place, I wonder, if you nver wanted to be taken seriously.

Then again, you don't say WHEN you sent this message . If it's a matter of hours , or a day or two - it's early to freak out . Maybe he wants to say something, but, as you say, he's got many problems and he is giving priority to those. If you wanted to give him space- he also needs space and a little time to clear his mind and sort out what he feels about you / your relationship / your message.

Just saying. With this I am not encouraging to sit there with bated breath waiting that he turns his life around and / or gets good at stress management. Au contraire ! LDRs are always so difficult and hard to maintain even in the best possible conditions, when people are happy and get along great and have no stressors in their life. Imagine when there ARE lots of problems for either one, or both.

This is a recent relationship, and already started on a wrong foot and with some drama- it does not look promising. Hopefully, in just a few months , you should not have already developped such a strong attachment to make it too painful disentangling yourself from a situation which is not making either one of you happy ?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHow long do you want to wait for this guy and his drama to die down?

It might NEVER happen.

Instead I would take his silence and him AGREEING with you. I mean, if he REALLY cared about you he would AT the least contact you and let you know WHAT he thought about your message.

But he chose not to. He left you in limbo. Where you feel bad for perhaps in a while moving on because who knows MAYBE he really did care....

You have only talked a few months. And he NOT in a good place (if at place at all) to be considering dating or reconnecting with you or anyone else.

So if you are looking for a life partner, HE isn't it. Not now... and who knows if he ever will be.

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