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How to change her behaviour and thinking?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 May 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 18 May 2018)
A male India age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I have been in a relationship for 3 years now and I have the known her very well but sometimes still our thoughts,thinkings are very different and I think she usually takes a situation negatively and I mostly get angry while handling situation and the most important thing she is a stubborn what should I do to make her change her behaviour and thinking.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (18 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntYour comments come across as a bit 'bizarre".

You cannot change anybody's personality and ways of thinking.

Your gf is in your own words, "negative and stubborn" and you are mostly "angry" when dealing with a situation.

This is what individuality is all about and if you are thinking that you can change your gf, then you will be sorely disappointed.

You can share your feelings with her, but if you let her know that you would like her to change or think differently, chances are, she'd probably feel unhappy and may leave the relationship.

You know the old adage, you "can't" make somebody "happy", however, you can "add" to their level of happiness.

The same goes for personality and acceptance.

You cannot change a person's unique personality, nor should you if you like them, so therefore, you accept them, with all their strengths and weaknesses.

If you find this too difficult to do, then you may need to think about finding a better suitor.

Just remember, nobody is perfect (including you), no matter what you may think.

Your gf may think the same way about you, but still, she wouldn't try to change you.

With each new person/relationship, there will also be, a whole new set of strengths and weaknesses, so better the devil you know, than the devil you don't know.

You've been together for 3 years, so obviously something is working well, so why don't you focus on what's working well, rather than focusing on what you'd like to change about her, or what you'd like her to change.

You should work on making things work and stop being too judgemental.

She can't change, as you can't, because you are both who you are.

You both cannot pretend to be what you're not, so you learn to appreciate/accept your different qualities, otherwise you walk away.

If you refuse to spend the rest of your life, feeling like this, or dealing with this, then you may be better off a single man forever, because you will never meet somebody who's 100% perfect.

We all have our weaknesses and flaws.

You may be able to find a person who you do feel much more comfortable being around and doesn't appear to possess the qualities that you dislike in your current gf, however, you cannot guarantee that the next person will be any better and besides, if you really care about this girl, why even think about breaking up?

Is it worth the risk and do you think a relationship is disposable?

I know you are not talking about breaking up, however, my above points are more so "hypothetical" and just highlighted, to give you something to think about.

You really need to sit down and think about what you want to do.

If you are unhappy here, then don't continue to stew in worry and negativity, but do something about it.

Choose to stay and be accepting/respectful and happy regardless or leave the relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2018):

Firstly, why would you want to change her thinking??? That's her individuality. You should find someone who matches your thinking and she should find someone who matches hers. She might be equally unhappy with you and think that you are stubborn and negative! for example, you admit to getting angry, isn't that negative enough?

Sorry, but you sound too entitled. It seems like you are scoffing off, disregarding and reducing the importance of another human being's feelings, brushing it under a blanket calling them "negative" only because those emotions accuse you of causing them in the first place. Truth is, you aren't looking inward, reflecting upon any mistakes you have done or see what you could do to make your partner feel positive and happy. Instead, you're thinking how you can force your partner to feel happy! That is impossible my friend, you cannot force anyone to be happy with you. Either you try to keep the person happy or if things don't match, you give up on it and move on.

People are all not the same. That's exactly why everyone's looking for a like minded person who would get along.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWhy not start this by changing your OWN behavior and YOUR way of thinking... See how that goes?

If that is easy for you... then you can see how changing someone else goes (*hint* it's not easy and sometimes not even possible to "change" others).

Of course you two are going to see things differently. YOU are two INDIVIDUAL! She isn't REQUIRED to think like you and you are not REQUIRED to think like her. But you BOTH could learn how to COMPROMISE and RESPECT each other's opinions and way of thinking.

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