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After 5 Years Why Hasn't He Proposed

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 December 2011) 12 Answers - (Newest, 7 December 2011)
A female United States age 22-25, *laMich88 writes:

This is real simple. I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. I moved out of state to be with him and its been me and him since 2006. I have never given him a reason to not trust me. I've never lied to him. I've never cheated on him. I go to work and come straight home everyday like I've been doing for the past 5 years. Why hasn't he proposed to me? It bothers me that were not married yet because I knew since day one that I wanted to be his wife. Have a family with him but he hasn't even proposed yet? Why? Im not saying im a perfect girlfriend but im pretty close esp. Compared to his past choice of girlfriends. He's the one that lies to me and keeps things from me but im still here...I've supported him from day one and I love him. But I want a ring. I want a wedding. My birthday was last week and he didn't even get me anything! He worked all day and I thought to myself maybe hes planning something big, maybe he's not really working and he's going to surprise me. But he didn't. No birthday cake, no card, no present. And to be honest after him lying to me the past few months I feel that he should have bent over backwards for my birthday. He should of made it up to me big time to show me that he loves me and he's sorry for lying to me and he's thankful that im still by his side. But he didn't. I am thinking about leaving him for so many other reasons . But I still want to know......Why aren't we married? What's wrong with me? Its been over 5 years!!!!! Any suggestions? please help me understand.

View related questions: moved out, wedding

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (7 December 2011):

chigirl agony auntHe doesn't make you happy, and when he pulls back you have this instinctive need to pull him back in. I doubt you want to marry him. You don't want MARRIAGE from him, you want loyalty and commitment, love and affection, which you aren't getting. He is lying, neglects you and ignores your birthday, treats you poorly. You want more from a relationship than this, and you have created some idea that marriage is the magic potion to fix all your problems. As of that would make things ok.

He'll continue to neglect you and ditch your birthday when married. He'll continue to lie. In fact what I've heard is that marriage makes the problems you had before 10 times worse, so the lying should increase and the neglect should get worse.

You don't want marriage with this man. What you want is a loving and dependable guy who appreciates what he's got and knows how lucky he is to be with you. And this guy doesn't give you that, he doesn't give you what you need, and if you married him he still wouldn't be able to. Take a step back to think about what it is you actually want. What it is you think marriage means to you, and why on earth marrying this man would be a good idea when it solves no problems at all and he makes you miserable.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (7 December 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony aunt“he says marriage is just a piece of paper and one day we will get married when we have the $ to do so”

It costs $65.00 to go to the court house here and get married. Saying you will do it when you have the money is a crock IMO….. He does not marry you because he does not want to marry you. I am with a 38 yr old man who when we started seeing each other told me point blank: “I am NEVER getting married. I do NOT believe in it” and I was fine with it. Guess what… we’re getting married in early 2012…. Because all of a sudden he believes in being married and having that level of commitment with each other… (and we moved in together AFTER we decided to get married which I think is the ONLY way to do it to be honest)….

I think you want him to marry you as you say because he’s all you’ve ever known and you are scared to be on your own… Deep breath… even if you get married he could leave… and if he lies and mistreats you and is not repentant of these behaviors is this really something and someone you want to encourage to be around you?

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A female reader, jonas Singapore +, writes (7 December 2011):

jonas agony auntI agree with the Realist. Most couples who are living together rarely get married. In certain cases, some don't see the need to change the current situation because they were already behaving like a couple and that is where complacency sets in such as forgetting birthdays, no more surprises etc.

I believe what you are looking for is not expensive dinner, him splurging gifts on you or what but more likely is to give you a surprise showing that he does remember your birthday and even if he cannot make it on that day because of work, he would make up with a cake or simple dinner.

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A female reader, Tyedyedturtle United States +, writes (7 December 2011):

Tyedyedturtle agony auntHe lies to you and he didn't even acknowledge your birthday. Why exactly do YOU want to marry him???

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011):

Speaking as a guy who lived with a girl for 19 years, loved her deeply, but never proposed I will give my reasons:

1. I don't really believe in marriage

2. I didn't want to mess up something that seemed to be working

3. I was terribly afraid she would turn me down (early on) and, later, that we would get married, but divorced later

In short, I was insecure with the relationship. When she started complaining about not being married that was only a turn-off to me, because I felt she only wanted more of a financial stake in the relationship.

However, unlike your partner I never lied and was always thoughtful. It was her that I felt was aloof and self-centered. To sum up, it didn't feel right to me. I would marry a girl if she wanted me to and it felt right to me. I don't know if everyone who proposes "feels right" but I do know that we lasted 19 years so something was right. Maybe I was waiting for a feeling that would never come. To be honest, I think we are still both very confused about what happened. Sounds like that's the case with you two as well.

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A female reader, AlaMich88 United States +, writes (7 December 2011):

AlaMich88 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks so much y'all for taking the tome to write me. Im crazy for wanting to marry him, but in all reality I don't think I want to anymore. I just wanted some feedback as to why its been almost 6 years and he hasn't proposed. I definitely got the answers I needed. And yes I have talked to him about it and he says marriage is just a piece of paper and one day we will get married when we have the $ to do so. As for children that we do not have, sometimes I will bring up having a baby but he avoids it so I gave up. I don't know what I want anymore to be honest. One day I want to wrap my arms around him and never let go but other days I don't want to loon at him bcuz I think about the lies he tells me and how much it hurts. Also he is all i've ever known and my family is 1000 miles away so I guess you could say I am scared. Im confused and I just need to clear my head and figure out my head. Thanx again every1! !

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (7 December 2011):

Danielepew agony auntI fully agree with The Realist.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (7 December 2011):

aunt honesty agony auntHave you both ever even spoke about marriage? Maybe he is not ready to be married, maybe he does not believe in it. Who knows? I think you need to sit and talk to him and ask him where he sees the relationship going.

But I wonder why is it you want to get married? Is it the fairytale of living happily ever after and everything will be okay? Because to me it sounds like it is not a very good relationship at the moment, he lies to you and he is not treating you very well. Maybe he is not that serious about you, and he is with you out of security. Again if you cannot trust him, why would you want to marry him? It sounds to me like you have committed your entire life to him. But you are still young (22 - 25) you should be out enjoying yourself with friends and living your own life as well. He doesn't seem to mind living his life and he didn't even so much as buy you a birthday card, now does that tell you he is a loving boyfriend? I don't think so. Time to sit down and talk to him about how you feel.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011):

Sounds like you are already acting like a wife...having his kids and living together so there is no incentive for him to marry you. The only reason he would have to marry you is to make you happy. Since he lies and hides things from you, it looks like making you happy is not that important to him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011):

WHY WOMEN LOVE TOO MUCH By Robin Norwood

You have a case of abusive love addiction Girl!

You actually chose this insenstive, untrustworthy Man because you think loving him will change him into a better, healthier, loving man. He's your project.

You actually HIDE behind the DRAMA/TRAUMA of the pain of this relationship you and the BF are together.

SEEK COUNSELLING TO ADDRESS your childhood home void of love, affection, validation, neglect, and emotional abuse and you can start getting healthier, happier and make healthy choices in your dating life that will bring you peace and happiness.

Two of the most interesting characteristics of women who saw me for treatment was the fact that they rejected any "nice guys" they had dates with because they were "boring." The boring men were available, interested and capable but did not fit the pattern of their past experiences. The other characteristic was that they reported how terrific the sex was. Yet, they seemed to miss the point that, while sex is important, so are the other areas of relating.

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=29154

Women who love too much are women who will keep investing in a relationship although all the signs tells them hat they should move on. Women who love too much are those who give too many second chances, women that will hold an irrational hope that things will change or get better, even after years of progressive decline of the relationship.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Women_Who_Love_Too_Much.html

Also please read over:

20 Trouble Signs- You Love Him/Her More Than He/She Loves You

http://relationships.wrytestuff.com/swa333468.htm

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A female reader, PerhapsNot United States +, writes (6 December 2011):

PerhapsNot agony auntListen, if he lies to you and doesn't even bother acknowledging your birthday, what makes you think he will want to marry you? If he can't even buy you a measly birthday card, he sure as hell isn't going to pool the money for a ring. The better question is: why do you want to be the wife of a selfish liar?

Instead of dreaming about marriage and the ring, maybe you ought to focus on the "leaving him" part. He is treating you like crap.

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A male reader, The Realist Canada +, writes (6 December 2011):

The Realist agony auntI think the relationship is where he wants it to be right now. Think about it from his perspective. He has you living with basically being a married couple without anything actually keeping him with you. So he has all of that so he probably doesn't see the point in spending all the money just for you two to have a title.

You should really talk to him about this and it makes me wonder if you have talked to him about marriage.

Nothing is wrong with you. It is perfectly normal for you to have expectations of marriage but if his views aren't the same then there may be problems.

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