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A one time encounter has caused my friend to be standoffish. Do I contact him on his birthday?

Tagged as: Crushes, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 12 August 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey all

I'm in need of some advice. I crushed on one of my friends for about 3 years, i'm gay and he's bi but not out to many. He had girlfriends for most of that time but one day they were about to split and after a night out we were on our own just talking and we ended up cuddling at the end of the night. Right after he was standoffish with me. The next day he got back with the girl and pretty much stopped talking to me. That was in 2015 and i've not seen him in person since. Today is his birthday and i'm missing him which I shouldn't as I should be long over it. Any tips? Lol

J

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hey all, thanks for your responses, it was just what I needed. I went down the pub one of my friends as it was a friday night and didn't contact him and I won't either. I also made plans to see other people next week. People are soo busy with their working lives once we get older don't we? lol. Youcannotbeserious, I like your answer the most, its nice to hear from someone who has been there.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with the others - leave him be.

If you haven't talked or seen each other in person in 2 years it because HE doesn't want to.

Move on. I think you want to wish him happy birthday for your own reasons, to rekindle some kind of connection that might lead to more. It's a nice fantasy but it's not going to happen. Not with THAT guy.

He wants to be perceived as a straight man dating women. You know differently, so he left you behind.

Respect that. Find a guy who WANTS to be with you, who is OPEN about his sexuality.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 August 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIt's been two years. You need to move on. He has had plenty of time to get back in contact IF HE WANTED TO. He has made it plain - for whatever reason - that this is not what he wants. You need to respect his wishes.

You obviously felt a connection with him that he did not feel back. It happens. Life's not always fair like that. If people have different agendas, then relationships are not always sustainable. I speak from experience. I had a gay friend who used to tell me I was her soul-mate. I loved spending time with her and we shared some fantastic times. She was also very supportive of me when I went through a very hard time in my life. However, the crunch came when she started coming on to me and expecting more from the relationship. She told me she loved me. I told her I loved her but as a friend, and that friendship was all there ever could be between us because I was not gay. She seemed to accept this but kept trying to push the boundaries of our friendship, which made me feel like she was grooming me and made me feel very uncomfortable. Eventually, much as I loved her as a friend, I had to distance myself from her because we had such different agendas for the relationship and I did not want to give her false hope that there could ever be anything between us except friendship. I have not seen or heard from her for about 10 years yet I still occasionally miss her. Things happen and I want to share them with her because I know she would understand. However, neither of us have made contact because it would not be the right thing to do.

You need to let your friend go and live his life as he wants to, which you rebuild your life without him.

Sending hugs. It's painful. I know.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (11 August 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntIts been two years. I don't know his reasons for not talking with you for the past two years but I'd give contacting him a miss.

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