A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my friend have been friends for about 8 years. But lately I’m finding being her friend exhausting. She gets herself into silly situations that I have to help her through or to get her out of it.We lived together for 3 years at one stage. During that time I noticed her eating habits were really strange. She was secretive with food, claimed to be never hungry and I started noticing that the toilet always smelled like sick after we had eaten and she always had toGo afterwards. I asked her what was going on and she admitted to me she had been purging after every meal for years. She used to be overweight, tried diet and excercise and nothing worked so she started purging and managed to keep the weight off. I told her it was unhealthy and that I would help her keep the weight off in healthy ways. We ate healthily together and excercised. I didn’t smell sick anymore and she wasn’t weird or secretive around food. She stopped purging.After 3 years I moved out. Since then she has slowly started to put the weight back on and is back where she started. She told me she wanted to diet and work out again and I was supportive. However she went from eating 3 meals a day (and snacking) to cutting down to only 2 meals a day. Then in the space of a few days she tells me she is going to try fasting. Then a few days after that she tells me she is only eating a slice of bread a day. And has been for the last month. . I’m worried as she use to have an eating disorder (although she denies that).She told me she has constant stomach cramps now, her period didn’t come, she has no energy and keeps going dizzy. I told her that she is starving herself and it’s not healthy and that I will help her again to be healthy so she doesn’t have to hurt her body. I’m concerned that she went from wanting to diet, to starving herself in just over a week. It seems extreme.I want to help her and support her, but I feel like a babysitter. Like I’m always taking care of her. She has also slept with nearly every guy friend I have had which causes issues in my friendship groups and I have to sooth her when she gets upset that they don’t want more from her. I’ve had to go to get STI tests with her monthly. And a few abortions. All my girl friends have fallen out with her. She lends people she hardly knows a lot of money and then gets upset when she doesn’t get it back.She is a good person though. I know it’s all down to low self esteem which is why I’m finding it hard to cut her loose but again I’m always trying to say things to make her feel good. It must be horrible to feel that bad about yourself. I know people will say I should cut her loose but she is like a sister to me and I care for her.But I have my own life and I’m finding it draining. It’s just one thing after another with her. I’ve never known anyone that had so much drama. But I’m all she’s got. I want to know whether it would be a good idea to suggest she goes to see a therapist? If so, how do I say it without hurting her feelings. The last thing I want to do is make it worse??Thank you (sorry it’s long)!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2020): First, may I commend you for being a faithful, loyal, and most devoted-friend. That's a rarity, especially among people in your young age-group; whom seem more self-centered and materialistic.
You may have saved your friend's life over the years; and because of your closeness, she has become spoiled. You are now her conscience and self-control mechanism. That's both a good-thing and a bad-thing. You are a textbook-example of a caretaker (me too, takes one to know one); and she is the perfect description and poster-child for dependency. Maybe she lacked nurturing and affection from her mother as a child. You have become, in-effect, her surrogate mother. Her nursemaid, caretaker, bodyguard, and sole source of support. I would venture to guess she has fewer friends she made on her own; but those she has, are shared with you...meaning your friends are her friends?
She has fallen-out with others on purpose. If these are friends of yours, her distorted-reasoning behind it is to distance anyone who gets too close to you. She has many demons that she struggles with; but you are her source of calm and reason. You have a beautiful spirit; and she is zapping all your good-energy, by forcing you to be her around-the-clock protector. She repays you with little or nothing; because you give without expecting anything in return. You are satisfied in just knowing she loves you. Oh, my dear, she owes you much more than that! She owes you respect! She owes you appreciation!
You must now ween her off her dependency. Like a mother has to stop breast-feeding a child who will cry incessantly; even throw a tantrum, demanding you yield to her pleading. It will be hard, but boundaries have to be put in-place for her own good. Why would suggesting she see a doctor and mental-health professional hurt her feelings? It's more of the excellent advice you've given her over the years. If she takes offense, surely it's because the truth often hurts! Explain to her how much you love her, until dealing with the endless problems she has are mounting to the degree they are becoming too much of a burden. Use your own words, but they must convey this point! You have to hurt feelings when you are forced to be honest. I can't tell you how hard it was for me to come to this understanding myself. I go overboard with pampering and caring for people; but it shouldn't hurt me in the process. If it does, it means I'm being used and manipulated. That in itself hurts; but I'm older than you, and I didn't learn this until I reached my 40's! Let me give you a shortcut to that wisdom! I'm honored to do so; because you are a jewel, and a kind-hearted person. God bless you with prosperity and good-health for your kindness. Let Him also give you strength where it is necessary. You never withhold kindness, you just make sure you're not pouring it into a bottomless-vessel.
Never give so much that you feel exhausted; and it starts to make you not want to do it anymore. That's one of the devil's tricks. Make kindness and goodness seem worthless or foolish! Your exhaustion means you've given far too much, and you are being used. You have enough love to spread around; that's why God made you, me, and people like us. We see friends as more than just friends, they are family. They are a part of us. We treasure their trust, and we honor it with offering our loyalty and love in-return.
Liken this situation to you and your parents as you were growing-up. They coddled and protected you. They made sacrifices for you; and no matter how much of a sacrifice it was, they did it out of love. The hardest thing for them to do was discipline you; and let you go out on your own. They, to this day, still see you as a child; and it is pure torture to see you fail or suffer. Yet they know they have to step-back, and let-go of your hand. They are still waiting to catch you, if it's too much for you. So is the good Lord!
You learn from mistakes, experimentation, and failure. Your friend has found herself a safety-net; and thinks she can be as reckless and impetuous as she pleases. You'll always be there to change her dirty diaper and clean-up after her. You are being an enabler, and allowing her to be all the more reckless with her life. You're not protecting her, you are letting her know you'll clean-up the mess!
With all good intentions, I'm sure! It's good you're getting tired. It's maturity kicking-in!
You can love her through discipline. I don't recommend ending your friendship; unless she dishonors, betrays, or severely hurts you.
Side advice. Forgive people you love for the times they hurt you; but insist they show sincerity and make it up to you!
This is a case of taking advantage of your good-nature. It is remedied by informing her exactly how you feel; and setting boundaries that you will not allow her to cross anymore. No matter how pitiful and scary her situation might be! Imagine what goes through your parents mind from time to time; while you're out here dealing with the real-world. They can't always catch you when you fall, or step in-front of a bullet; all they can do is hope and pray you use what they've taught you, and develop your own survival-skills. From reading your post, I can tell they've taught you well. They just didn't get around to the part when they have to step-away; and let you get a few bumps and scrapes to realize they don't always have to come running to your rescue. Sometimes you've got to figure it out on your own; or suffer the consequences of bad-choices or poor judgment. Same goes for your friend.
God bless, guide, and protect you! May He make your friend realize what a diamond of a friend she has!
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 June 2020):
 Sorry, kitten on keyboard....
You CAN try and guide her to be more self-reliant and responsible FOR herself.
It is NOT your job to fix her, her life or her choices Or to put out the fires she starts.
I would also make sure to tell her you are giving her this advice because you CARE as a friend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 June 2020):
That would be too much for most people to try and help with, OP I totally get why you feel a need to figure out a more permanent way to help her.
I think you should encourage her to go talk to her doctor, have her ask for a referral to a dietician. She KNOWS she isn't eating healthy, that she is starving herself, but she is also desperate. She maintained the work out and eat healthy routine when you supervised it, but as soon as you moved out, she dropped the ball. HER choice.
She then made the choice to make up her own diet and when she didn't see instant results she went to the extreme - starving herself. Her choice.
YOU can not BE responsible for the choices she makes.
I would tell her look, insert friend's name I worry that you CHOICE in diet in going to do damage to your organs and body so I want you to make an appointment and talk to a doctor. Talk to your doctor about finding the right diet through a dietician. I want YOU to take care of yourself, because I can't do that FOR you.
If she TAKES your advice and sees a doctor, next step is suggesting she finding a therapist.
While you CAN support someone as a friend, you CAN NOT make them behave or do things in a healthy manner all you can do is give her advice. I would stop FULL STOP, taking her to her abortions or STI checks. If she ask you, I would tell her:" I can't do that anymore. YOU need to start taking full responsibility for your own actions. That includes USING condoms or not having random casual sex."
She might get mad, but YOU have to stick to your own standards, your own values and morals. You CAN NOT prevent someone from being self-destructive. You CAN `````g
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (11 June 2020):
 She is beyond your help mainly because she has issues that need to be dealt with by seeing a professional that can give her the tools and support that she needs. It's draining for you because you aren't the right person to help her through this. You can offer her support as a friend but she clearly has problems that need to be brought to the attention of an expert. Many people do not take kindly to being told to see a therapist because of the stigmas attached to seeking help so I'm not sure how you can navigate that very delicate issue. You're a good friend for having tried to help her this far. She also seems to have very destructive behavioural patterns that further indicate that she has to deal with the things that have morphed her into this current version of herself. Nobody can force her to do that but you can help support her when she reaches the decision to seek help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2020): Actually I don't think anybody will suggest cutting her lose.
Quite the opposite - your friend has a mental disorder that needs addressing, firstly by her GP.
Narrow down what you have put here:
- eating disorder
- having sex with many men to feel wanted
- lending money to strangers
They aren't the actions of a healthy minded person. She needs your support, probably now more than ever. If everybody else has cut her off then she is naturally heavily reliant on you - that said, you shouldn't have to shoulder all responsibility.
It's not your job to babysit her, and so you are going to need support. Does she have family? Can you speak to them about this? She may be angry with you about this but it's for her own good. She is a vulnerable person and people are taking advantage of her.
I would think twice about remaining friends with those males you mention - the ones you mention have had sex with her. They, in my book, are users. No better than a rapist. They sleep with her knowing full well what her hope is and yet they still use her for their own sexual gratification.
Similarly with any of your friends who have borrowed money from her - they are taking advantage of a vulnerable person and that is unforgivable.
She needs to see her doctor and explain the actions above, she will probably be fobbed off with pills at first, but she needs to really see a councillor.
She needs to understand the damage she is doing with the above actions.
What's more, she needs to realise just how lucky she is to have you as a friend.
Good luck with this.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp  +, writes (11 June 2020):
She's very lucky to have a friend like you and I understand why you look after her.
Yes, she should definitely be getting professional help. You have been looking after her for years and not "saved" her despite your best efforts. She is simply sinking increasingly deeper into her self destructive behaviour because (unintentionally) you are probably enabling her to act the way she does.
I doubt there is any way you can suggest she gets professional help without upsetting her but you cannot care for her for ever. She needs to learn to care for herself. Perhaps approach the conversation from that direction. Tell her it hurts you to watch her hurting herself and that you are asking her, as a friend, to get help before she does herself permanent damage. You can stay her friend without babysitting her but you need to be strong and stick to your guns.
Again she is lucky to have a friend like you.
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