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40 year age gap, is it worth the envitable heartache?

Tagged as: Age differences, Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2011) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi, I'm 27 and dating a man who is 68. We have been together almost a year and some of our friends and family know but I do often question my sanity for dating someone so much older. Before starting this relationship I had a few longer ones with men only a few years older than me. Mr X and I have been friends for a few years after meeting at a sports club but got together after months of flirting! He is very young looking for his age and works hard to stay fairly fit, although he has had some serious health issues in recent years.

Almost every woman we know or meet seems drawn to him to chat, he certainly has the X factor when it comes to chatting and flirting with girls!! So I know it's not just me who likes him.

But I wonder if I'm wasting my youth on a man who probably will be fairly incapacitated within 10 years, who can't give me children, will probably never want to get married or even move in together. Before him I never wanted to date fathers or divorcees. Now I'm with a twice divorced grandfather of three!! His eldest grandchild being only 5years my junior.

But when we are together we get on very well, rarely argue and are very happy and have so much fun and a very active social life.

If i'd been born 30 years ago we both say that we'd probably be hitched already but should I be looking for a man my own age?

Most days the idea of being apart from him breaks my heart, but that doesn't mean it's not sensible in the long run... :( help!

View related questions: divorce, flirt

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011):

hun your fears are so relevant.

yes , age is somethimes just a number but honey, listen to that quiet voice telling you that u are wasting your precious life.

LoveGirl

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A male reader, thomas1214 Canada +, writes (30 March 2011):

he is too old. plain and simple

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (30 March 2011):

k_c100 agony auntThis really is very simple - what do you want from life? What is important to you?

You mentioned marriage and a family - is this what you want? Because obviously he cannot give you this, so if that is what you want then you are indeed wasting your time with this man, because he simply cannot fulfil your desires and you will be left incredibly unhappy as time goes on.

But if marriage, children and growing old with a partner are not important to you and you value him and your relationship over anything else - then by all means stay with him.

There is not a lot else to say on the matter, you are aware of the downsides to staying with a man so much older than you and I am sure if he has been honest about his health issues that you know he wont be around for a huge amount longer, maybe 10 to 15 years. So you have to weigh up what you want from life - do you want children? Marriage? A partner that can grow old with you? A partner that you will be able to share many many years with? If you want all of that then this man is not right for you, as much as you enjoy each other's company and love each other, all of that is worthless if you dont want the same things from life.

So weigh up what you want, what you are prepared to give up and most of all - are you willing to give up some of your dreams for him? Is spending 10 years with him more important than having a family and finding someone to spend the rest of your life with? Keep in mind that say you get another 15 years with him, you will be in your early 40's and wont have the chance for children. You really need to be having children before 35 in order to minimise the risks, so if you do want kids then the longer you are with this man the more you are reducing your chance of ever having them.

This shouldnt be too difficult to come to a conclusion, I'm sure you know yourself well enough to know what you want from life - so think about it and then decide if this man fits into that. If not, well leaving him will be hard but at least you know that you are ensuring you will have a happy future where you can achieve your dreams. But equally, if you dont want children, marriage etc and just want a simple relationship with someone who you get on with really well, then stay together and enjoy it.

I hope this helps and good luck!

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A male reader, jayokayo Ireland +, writes (30 March 2011):

jayokayo agony auntIts your choice, stay with him if you are truly in love with him, but if you are not then you should consider finding someone younger. from what you wrote you have doubts so what you need to do is think of the doubts you have and look at what you want and what is best for you in a long run.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (30 March 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt Maybe it's just my impression, but I feel like you have very low expectations .

You sound pleased and sort of happily surprised that "you get on very well and rarely argue " and " you have fun together ".

Cool, but that's like the bare minimum in relationship to aim for- the equivalent of syndacal minimum wage.

Otherwise, what's the point of having a man around at all if you don't get along and argue often and don't have fun together ?

There are probably dozens of other men who could give you the same kind of relationship , plus they could also give you children and a future together.

Again, I may be wrong, but I thought maybe you have been badly mistreated or let down by some guy(s) in your past so as soon as you met someone who treats you decently,that's enough for you to compensate an age difference that's bordering with freakish and that would be

a deal breaker for any girl your age.

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