A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 20 years. I have 2 children -19 and 17. At the beginning of our relationship we had a lot of money problems and had 2 houses repossessed and he was abusive towards me - he has the stitches from where I ducked and his fist went through a window! We sorted things out with regard to the money but have never really been happy. With regards to sex I have never enjoyed it or wanted it. He had an affair 7 years ago which I was told was my fault and I can see why. He is very agressive in his voice but is not violent now. He shouts at the children and a few weeks ago told our daughter that he no longer has a daughter and would not and has not said sorry. Also for the last ten years he has told me that when the children have left school he is going to leave me. I really want to leave him now. I have hit 40 and realise that I am young enough to have a life that I enjoy and do not feel that I can live the rest of my life like this. Can you help me?
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affair, money, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, hopelessly in love  +, writes (12 December 2007):
leave him now...divorce is permitted.
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (11 December 2007):
 Leave him now or you are going to LOSE IT. I mean, really, you are. As in regards to it being your fault, I highly doubt the affair was YOUR fault. If you don't enjoy sex with him, you don't enjoy sex with him; and I mean, who would enjoy sex with someone like that??? Leave him before he leaves you. You trully are worth it.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (10 December 2007):
 Hi - well it seems both husband and wife have reached the same conclusion. However, you have asked for help but in what area did you feel you wanted help? Please update if you have some areas where you seek guidance or opinions.
Richard
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A
male
reader, JohnR +, writes (10 December 2007):
 I normally would advise people to try everything to keep a marriage together. But, NOT in this case. I'm sure there is more to this story than you are telling, because there is an underlying hate/anger in your husband. Could there have been a major issue where you were at fault (not the stupid blames he made for his affair) early on in the marriage?
Anyway, I would consider this a completely failed marriage, doomed to even more heartache if you two stay together at all. Unfortunately you're the one who's going to have to leave. The kids are old enough to make their own decisions about where to live and with whom.
You're only 40, you will find someone who will treat you right (don't put up with shit from guys though, but don't be a bitch neither because of your husband). Move on with your life, and be the 'real' you, not who you probably had to act like in this destructive marriage.
Good Luck, write us back and let us know you are going to move on with your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): I was in more or less exactly the same position as you at the age of 38. Married for nineteen years - shotgun job - none of them really happy, but stayed together 'for the sake of the kids', which didn't do them any favours at all because they sensed the chill in the atmosphere.
I've got a scar on my wrist from when she shoved me through the glass of the front door. She endured sex rather than enjoyed it and generally let herself go. I'm sure she bought her dresses from the camping shop because a tent was the only thing that fitted.
I left her when the kids were aged 18 and 14. Best move I ever made. The black cloud suddenly disappeared. Our son took it badly at the time but we're the best of pals these days.
Life really does begin at 40. The longer you prolong it, the worse it gets. I only wish I'd done it years before.
You can do the same.
Best of luck!
Phil
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (10 December 2007):
 Right gewt a lawyer pack your bags get your kids and go you dont need this and you know you dont so what ya waiting for GO!
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (10 December 2007):
 I could not have said it better baby duck.
You are in an unhappy relationship - and you want out. Good for you. Also - good on you for realizing that you are young enough to still make a life for yourself... Take your daughter with you, and show her that there is life and happiness after a failed relationship. Both of you only deserve the best, and you are the only one who can make it happen.
My mom recently remarried (after my father died 14 years ago, and she had a bunch of failed relationship after that), at the age of 47. I cannot remember when the last time was i saw her this happy, so there is hope. And also - your relationship with your daughter will grow beyond belief when she sees you taking a stand for yourself, and CHOOSING to be happy. Good luck. I wish you all the best for your happier future.
Love & Light
-M-
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