A
male
age
26-29,
*ordan Smith
writes:Hi there, I'm not sure how these things work so I'm just going to post the situation and hope for a response.My girlfriend attends the University in Liverpool and I'm home in Coventry, it's been like this for about a year now and the long distance is definitely taking a toll on our relationship. We've been arguing a lot recently over petty things and we ended up coming to a truce last night. Fair enough. Then after, we were talking and both said we were going to bed at about 1AM, which I did - but I have reason to believe she didn't. I don't know if I'm being juvenile but when I checked my phone this morning I'd received a message from her - just a shared funny video - at about 4:30AM. I asked her what she was doing up at 4AM and her first response was "How did you know?!" - then I went on to ask her what she was doing, and she replied with "I can't remember". But she clearly does, if she wondered how I knew?She's trying to change the subject a lot and since then I've just ignored her as I don't feel as if I'd get anywhere with her about the topic - which as led me to asking you guys.What do I do?
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (25 May 2015):
 Hey maybe she couldn't sleep? I think that you are over-reacting.
If you don't trust her for whatever reason, then you need to discuss this with her and part ways. Then you wont have to worry about her being awake at 4am!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2015):
 What do you do, is stopping being intrusive and paranoid.
There are many legitimate reasons why she would be up at 4 AM. Like, having to go to the bathroom. Or menstrual cramps. Or a bout of insomnia which she whiled away by sending you funny videos. Maybe she woke up because she had a nightmare , or she wanted a sip of water. Don't you ever wake up at night ? Lucky you. Or perhaps, she never went to bed because found something really good to watch on TV, or a book she could not let go of,... we could go on forever. She does not have to share every minimal detail of her day/night with you, or have to justify a tummy ache or a weak bladder ( and it would be understandable that she does not want to share the details of her physiological processes with you ).
Probably, as Chigirl says, she does not even remember exactly why she was up at 4 AM, but if she does, - she wasn't being elusive, she is annoyed of being grilled as if she had done something wrong, or as if it's implied that she has to be accountable to you of each of her awake moments. Maybe you aren't new to this kind of questioning ?....
Relax, OP. And/ or realize that if you are THAT paranoid and you can't get over it , then you are not cut out for long distance relationships and you should not attempt to be in one.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 May 2015):
 Maybe she got up to pee at 4 am. Maybe she couldn't sleep after your conversation, either way, WHY do you think she OWES you an explanation of why she was up?
I know LDR can be stressful, but you are going overboard here with trying to control her, not a good thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): So what if she didn't go to bed at 1am. You don't have to go to bed at the same time.
You're being unreasonable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): This is the problem with long distance relationships.TRUST.It is because you do not develop enough emotional closeness that comes from seeing each other everyday and therefore you worry about what your partner is doing while away from you. Bonds are strengthened by being around each other, doing things together. Not being away from each other. Yes, missing another person does create bonding but only for a little while. Once it becomes a longer time apart, the distance sets in. Unfortunately despite your best efforts, emotional distance builds over time. As you said yourself, it does take a toll on your relationship. You want her to be closer to you. To reassure you. But she can't. It won't be enough. And the resentment starts to play a role. Chipping away at your relationship. You resent her for not paying you enough attention. She pulls away thinking you are not happy with her. Perhaps she feels just as powerless.It is natural. Don't feel bad. Your worries are perfectly reasonable. It takes a lot to admit your feelings and ask for help. So, I admire that about you.It isn't an easy situation.I don't see a promising future. Sorry. I just think you need more closeness and trust for this to work. As long as she is away from you, you are always going to worry. Even with reasonable explanations on her part. :(You may even begin to see a cycle of arguing and making up but that will soon grow old.Sometimes long distance relationships can be exciting because of the romance factor. Not seeing each other everyday makes it more exciting and romantic. Anticipation builds til you see each other again. That is the positive spin. But the flip side is resentment on both sides that you cannot be together more. Perhaps resentment of the situation instead of each other.Sometimes it is all about looking at the bright side of things and cherishing what you do have instead of letting the bad things rule everything. Do you know what I mean? It is all in how you perceive it. You can choose for it to be good or you can choose for it to be bad.Good luck. I wish you both well.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 May 2015):
 Let it go. Really. Why on earth does it matter what she was doing up at 4am? She's a grown woman, she doesn't need your permission to stay up late. She asked how you knew because it's a weird question to be asking in the first place. And she answered your strange and suspicious question as well. It's not unlikely to NOT remember precisely why you were up at 4am as most people are half asleep by then.
Sheezes dude, what are you suspecting anyway??? That she was sleeping with someone else, and the rough sex kept her up all night, so afterwards she thought "hey, Im gonna send my bf a funny video"...?!?!
Dude. You need to stop being paranoid. She was just up late, why does it matter why?
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