A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, the short end of the story is that I'm a 20 year old male, and have fallen in love with a 14 year old female. I didn't realise she was 14 when I met her, I honestly thought she was 18 because she could easily have passed for a university student. I've never been attracted to a girl this much younger than me before, but despite the difference I'm having a lot of trouble thinking of anyone else. I feel an incredibly powerful mental and physical connection to her that is difficult to explain.I obviously feel incredibly conflicted and guilty about this. It's been tortuous, because I'm constantly thinking about how pretty she is and want to be able to freely talk to her and express my feelings but feel absolutely shameful about the age gap, even though I do not see a big difference between us besides the difference in age. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm in lust, because that's genuinely not my emotion and I know the difference. What should I do? Is this fundamentally wrong? Why? I hope people can go beyond the immediate reaction of 'that's messed up' and 'you should find someone your own age' and instead, if they think it's fundamentally bad and needs to be ended and forgotten about, explain in detail why it is so. The 'find someone else' thing is particularly unhelpful, since everyone knows that when you really start to fall for someone, everyone else fades into the background. The perspectives of parents, as well as of ladies or guys who know of similar relationships would be particularly welcome.In order to help my case, I'd like to illustrate my situation a bit more.Put it this way... Suppose a guy is 20 years old, looks younger than his age (some 20 year olds get mistaken for 16/17), comes from a supportive and prosperous family, has both parents and a brother and sister he gets along well with, studies hard at a good university, is planning to go to law school, but is shy and reserved, was once a bit chubby in his early years of high school which undermined his self-esteem, but has since sorted himself out and is now quite athletic. His high school was an all boy's boarding school, and since he wasn't as naturally outgoing as some of the other guys, didn't develop his social skills for flirting and such as much. He has perhaps never had a girlfriend, and is only at 20 looking developed/handsome enough that an attractive girl would consider dating him. This theoretical guy is not a pervert, but is kind of awkward around people he hasn't gotten to know. He does, however, know how to go out and be confident and has friends of both sexes so he's not a loner.He meets a 14 or 15 year old who is outgoing, confident, looks about 18, and when being herself naturally acts like someone above her real age. She was not aware of his age. He, meanwhile, did not know her age either when he first met her (which is important since it suggests that they fell for each other not simply because of, but in spite of, age) and he thought she was very pretty not because she was young but because of a genuine and unique beauty of the same kind which makes adults attractive. When together, he is not in a position of condescension or power or authority, since (somewhat pathetically for the 20 year old) they have about the same amount of experience in terms of relationships. They are basically on an equal footing: he listens to her, she listens to him. Both are taking care of each other in a way. They find each other very attractive, fall in love, and they communicate and get along like brother and sister on a personal level. There is no sense that there is one adult and one child, both feel like adults or both feel like teens, depending on how you view it. If you saw them together, you'd think they were a couple of the same age. Perhaps they choose not to have sex, but still want to consider each other a couple.In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing "wrong" about the scenario I have described. Age on its own is unhelpful, since everyone is different. Such a relationship as I have described could absolutely flourish in my opinion, as long as things are taken slowly. Does anyone bat an eyelid, after all, if a 50 year old and a 45 or 44 year old are married? What if that 50 and 45 year old had met when he was 20?Sure, the truthfulness of the emotions felt needs to be legitimized by the passage of time, but I hope my anecdote illustrates that we need not automatically think 'Alarm bells, sexual predator' or 'Sad 20 year old living with his parents' when discussing the issue. You may think that the person I have characterized is a loser, but he is well adjusted, has friends, both his age, significantly younger and significantly older. He is not the stereotype of the horny 'jock' alpha-male only after sex, even though he tries to have charm.Can anyone acknowledge that this scenario is at least possible, and that a genuine, mature, mutual romantic connection can on rare occasions exist between a 20 year old and a 14/15 year old, as long as they are slow and careful?I feel like writing this because with stuff like the Fritzl trial etc floating around in the press, I feel like some kind of sexual deviant waiting to be socially ostracised, despite the fact that there has been nothing sexual, just very strong feelings and a sense of mild depression because of the barriers between us. Let me just restate: I do not feel this attraction 'because' of her young age, but 'in spite' of it. It is the 18 year old in her that I love and not the 14 year old which I cannot see.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): Hi, I understand your situation 100%, only from the other side. I am 14 and I have strong feelings(i dont want to say 'love' because i dont know if theyre that strong) for a 20 yr old college boy. We met at a random outing and i will always remember it. Anyway, me talked off and on for about 10 months when he told me that he cared for me, more than a friend. Excited and thrilled i told him i felt the same. From there we talked every single day for a month and we decided that the only way we were to get close was if he met my mother. That was our first mistake. After that i thought my mother was accepting and we could finally take the next step and date. Then everything came to a screeching halt. My mom then decided that i couldnt see him and that i ultimately could not talk to him. I had to say goodbye to him the other day and it was literally the HARDEST thing ive ever had to do. I now have regrets that i swore i would not.Ok, now to my opinion.I think that being close with this girl is perfectly ok and that you should fight for what you care about. However, i should encourage you to keep this relationship hush hush until she turns 18. and im not a big fan of keeping secrets from your parents but its the only way you'll continue to be close to her without any consequences. all i can say is be careful and thoroughly enjoy EVERY moment you get with her
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2009): hi in reply to your question about whether you being with this 14 year old girl is wrong or not...personally i think it is ok. but the law will not agree with you. i myself was 14 and fell for a 23 year old guy. i knew he loved me but we had sex and my mum handed him over to the police. to be honest it has ruined my life... not havin sex with him... but losing him has tore me up. i love him to bits, i still do. he ended up going to jail and i have not seen him since...i feel guilty thou that he went to jail... i shouldnt have trusted my mum enough to tell her! xX i hope it all works out for you and this special girl xX
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Hello mate.
I was in a near exact copy of the situation you are in. i was 20 and she was 14. We met at a wedding and she was a bridesmaid,even my own mother said she thought she was at least 17.Ironically the girl i met thought i was 17. We both ended up really liking each other but nothing ever came of it. i havent been around for over a year but i still find myself thinking about her, even tho i have had girlfriends in the meantime. i often wonder if she ever does think about me.
Sometimes you just meet someone who gives you that feeling that not many others can give you.
14 is young, thats why i let things be and didn't pursue. i dont regret it tho i do regret not becoming a friend instead of just ignoring her.
Best advice is to be good friend for now, if your meant to be together time will tell. There are nasty people in this world who will seek to shame you so be careful
Good luck chief
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808  +, writes (20 March 2009):
 Wow, I am impressed with your openess and willingness to hear some constructive critisism (which is what this site, in my eyes, is all about). Any girl of any age would be lucky to be adored by you:) Good luck hon, I hope we have all helped.
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A
female
reader, Put0 +, writes (19 March 2009):
You have to look at this from all angles.
If you can honestly say your intentions are genuine and good, then there is no 'real' issue. As far as physical contact goes, it would be completely inappropriate to have any contact under she is of legal consenting age.
Ultimately, look at whether she is, to you, worth the hassle, stares and ultimately trouble she would cause for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate all the fast answers everyone.
A quick update, however, just to clarify a few things in response to some of the more hostile replies, in particular the most recent one (although it did also contain very valuable advice.)
I have not made any declarations of love to this girl. So I'm not "running around with a 14 year old" in some predatory way. So I don't understand why it was necessary to make the Harvard Law comment at me, and to make it sound like I showcase what your husband might have done if he weren't such a good guy, of a quality which I have no hopes of matching.
I know the "Let me put it this way" passage made it sound like things have progressed quite far, but that was just hypothetical, me working things out in my mind and showing an alternative approach to the mental gag reflex which often springs to mind when you think '20' and '14' (and which I had until recently as well... I mean, I was shocked when I read a while back that Mitt Romney had met his current wife when he was almost 19 and she was 15). Presumably your husband also had some kind of internal debate with his feelings before deciding to protect you from commitment to him, especially if he had feelings for you all along.
I still really appreciate your comment though, and I hope it doesn't sound like I'm angry at anyone for giving me 'tough talk' as it were.
I've read all the replies so far, and I think the basic conclusion I can take from everyone is for me to be patient but that I don't have to forget about it, and that I can stay in contact or friends but I must try not to let things become visibly romantic for a few years. And maybe at some point in future it will hopefully work out.
Again in response to the most recent reply though, wasn't your husband worried that you'd find someone else, during all those years he was waiting?
Thanks again to all of you though, for the anecdotes, advice etc. I'm glad I came across this site.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): My friend, I've very sorry to hear about your difficulty. But let me say that I was in an even worst situation once. When I was 15 yrs old I met my husband, who was 23 at the time. I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me. But he was an all-around good guy and very responsible. So he never told me that he loved me back. I confessed to him, and he said that he didn't feel the same way, but that my friendship meant a lot to him, so we should just "be friends". So we did. He never said he liked me back (nonetheless loved me back).
But when I was 23 and he was 31 he asked me out. Turns out that he had planned to save me for later the whole entire time. He pretended like he didnt' love me why? Because he was responsible. He knew it would be frowned upon, and he cared about me enough not to complicate things. He was also responsible and hardworking. You're in a good university? Then do your work. He also loved me and cared about me, so he pretended to view me as only a friend. Why? Because he had already planned to marry me later on, and he wanted the best for his wife and family. So he didn't date me or ANYONE else and concentrated on his graduate school studies at Harvard Law (I know you're not getting into Harvard Law if you're running around with a 14 year old) and he concentrated on becoming stable in his career. He asked me out after he was already a successful lawyer, and he now owns his own lawfirm and we're very stable.
You say you love this girl? Then back off for her sake. If you truly love her, then let her go. You'll only complicate things for her. Concentrate on your studies so you can give her the best life possible. Believe me, it's worth it. Mike could have started dating me when I was 18 and he was 26-LEGAL. But he still waited five more years. Why? Because he was a responsible man who actually had a head on his shoulders with priorities. He put his work first so that we'd be stable. He pushed me away so that he wouldn't get distracted. Concentrate on your studies. You say you're in a good University, so I'm guessing you're in an Ivy. Work towards an Ivy Law school. Unless you're too distracted...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Hi,i sorta of knw how u feel.I'm 15 and fallen in love with a lad who's turning 20.There is nothing in that.You can't help who u r meant to be with and that.This lad knows i lyk him,nd he lyks me to,but won't date me as he's saying that his job is awkward hours and he'l not hav any tym wit me,which wnt b fair.Tell her hw u feel-it helps a lot..prehaps,if she feels same way you could plan a get together,walk thru park,or sumthing..u nva knw wots round corner... CHarlotte x
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A
female
reader, ale71 +, writes (19 March 2009):
 Dear 20 year old,
I'll be honest to this questions of yours,
When I was 14 I had a boyfriend who was 22, to tell you the truth he though i was older n though i was mature and I wanting to be older and waiting to be mature I decided to go out with him, but! it wasnt love what i felt for him, it was just lust and trust me when i was 14 i was sooooo stupid!! soo so so soooo stupid!! if you want wait 4 years more. 4 years can change a person a whole lot!! trust me. and if you do decide to go out with her shes gonna get tired of you n dump you and your gonna be heart broken and when i dumped him after 6 months he ended up being obsessed with me I had to call the cops on him!!! just dont do it! trust me! dont!!!
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (19 March 2009):
 hun i wouldn't go down this road to be honest it'll cause too much hassel yeah she probably does seem mature but she's only 14 she's too young for love she has her whole life ahead of her she's only just in year 9 not even close to her GCSE's she has school work and stuff and homework.
hey parents will definately see a problem here and think you're only after one thing
i mean i am not saying you are but because she's so young they may think why don't you get someone your own age rather than a 14 year old.
this sort of thing would cause alot of problems and you don't want to have all these problems she is still a girl not a woman she still probably doesn't know her own mind.
so save yourself before problems occur.
you're a decent lad you'll get there and it's all very well you seeing the upside that she's mature but will other people see it that way?
you would get a fair bit of hassel tobe honest not every day you see a 20 year old with a 14 year old.
anyways i'd leave it hun.
Hope this helps.
if you need anything pop me a message :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): i played around with much older guys when i was 15yrs old... and i seemed older, was very mature and no one would have known my age if i did not tell them.
i'm now 23, and realise i was sooooo stupid, i had no idea what i was doing, and it could have ended a lot worse. i wish now that someone (preferably the guys in question) had explained to me how important it is to act your age, even if you are more mature.
please act your age, and make the mature decision... there is a reason that it is child sexual abuse, because as a modern society, we recognise that adults should not have these kind of relationships with children.
If it really is love, then surely it can wait 3 or four years..
she is a child
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Unless you have sex with her the legal system has no grounds to do anything to you. I married the man of my dreams, and we have an eight year difference. I met him when I was 17 (a bit older than the girl you speak of), but I was quite innocent and had no former experience with men. It is not morally wrong, back 50 years ago what you are describing happened all the time, accept sex was involved a lot more. If you can wait until she is of legal age to have sex with her, having a relationship until then in NO problem. Some of the people on here want to scare you, but take it from me I was under the age of consent were I live and no one even bothered with us. For all they new we could of been having sex, but we were so private with our relationship no one ever even questioned it (and I looked like I was much younger than I was). Think of it this way: Elvis was in his late twenties when he fell in love with Priscilla, and she was 14, he never had sex with her until she was of legal age, but they spent a lot of time together, no one saw it wrong or immoral, because he truly was in love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Dude, don't ride this one.
Young girls have tender hearts, be careful. If you have never had a girlfriend before you will learn the hard way here. If you really love this one the boundaries of time are insignificant, and you might want to do the honourable thing here, and wait for this to mature. Love is also about respect and kindness. Be nice to her everyday and the wait won't be that long. Feel good about your actions. You will wake up daily without these questions, and be able to have want you want in life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Okay, firstly I have to agree with you on some levels in saying that you can't help who you fall in love with, although it would sometimes be useful to be able to switch your feelings off! I know a 16 year old who is going out with a 27 year old, and apparantly this is not illegal in our country [i'm in the UK too]. However as the girl you are in love with is only 14, i would suggest that if you have strong enough feelings for each other you would be able to wait a couple more years without fear that you will fall out of love with each other. This girl is still in school, and still relies on her parents, and going out with a 20 year old guy now, would more than likely take her childhood away, making her grow up faster.
I'm not suggesting you are a peadophile, but i am saying that going after a 14 year old girl at the moment is not wise, esspecially as you say with the fritzl case going on at the moment. You could get into serious trouble for this even if you are not partaking in sexual acts with her.
For the moment, again i suggest that you hold on and wait. When she reaches the right age you will be able to see if the feelings are still there. I know it's hard, and i'm not expecting it to be easier for you, but you really do need to try your best.
Hope everything works out okay for you xox
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): She's just a kid. I'm 19 years old so have no ideal what you find attractive in a 14 year old. She's mature? I know 14 year olds and I tell you, they like to act and look all mature but inside their still little kids trying to act grown up. As a female, I changed so much in my early teen years. A year and two can change who you are, your always changing and growing. So I find it very strange you want a relationship with someone her age. Maybe you shold seek some help, can you not talk to people your own age?
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female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (19 March 2009):
Hi there! I am giggling because it seems as though you have done a fantastic job of convincing yourself that this is all okay (and I am not saying it isnt). However, there is a lot of logic left out in this situation. 1st and far most, in America, this isn't legal. Not that it REALLY matters, many things are not legal, and yet the people partake in them anyway. 2nd, just because a 14 year old dosnt bounce around and behave like a child does not mean she dosnt act 14. In certain adult situations she may act exactly her age, and many young girls do. They don't yet have a fully developed brain, so making adult decisions and thinking with full logic may be right at her age level, and you wouldnt even know it untill your relationship with her hits a point where she needs to make decisions involving you. Thats when you will realize that she is in fact 14. I don't think you are some pervert or anything of that negetive nature, I just feel it is important to understand why so many disagree with the whole concept. A 45/50 year old age gap is completely different because at that age, you are fully matured (which dosnt necessarly mean you are mature, but your brain is). They are held accountable for their actions where a 14 year old isnt just yet. This makes it completely different. Do what you feel is right for you, however, keep in mind that there is a valid reason people don't agree with it. My advice would to be sure to get to know her family and don't base this relationship (if you persue it) on secrecy. She is 14, and for the next 4 years, she is her parents responsability, and they have a right to know who she is dating. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Hi there,
I'm sorry that this has been getting you down so i hope what i have to say will be some use.
A few years ago when me and my friend were 14, we were out in London and my friend started chatting to this guy. He was really funny and obviously fancied my friend and she also seemed interested as she had never had a boyfriend. Then after a very long conversation with the two of them, they decided to exchange numbers and we went home.
A few days later they began dating and on one of them she found out that he was in fact 21. He reacted in the same way you did and was rather hostile for a while. But my friend loved him and was really trying to get him to continue their relationship regardless of their age. But he was ashamed and unsure as to whether it could continue.
But he still wasn't seeing anyone after weeks and one day she got a call from him saying that he would like to chat. He told her that he really liked her and wanted to continue the relationship but on certain terms.
They continued going out but either at his house or places where they couldn't be recognised. There relationship was kind of a secret as only I knew and they didn't want to cause problems.
But it seemed to be fine for them as now we are 17 and she is still going out with him and they are very much in love.
So what i'm trying to say is that this sort of relationship isn't impossible. Have you spoken with her to find out how she feels. Perhaps you could come up with a way to begin a relationship if that's what you both want.
I hope I have been of some help and that your situation improves in the future
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 March 2009):
 This is coming from a parent, while a 6 year age difference is no big deal when the parties concerned are in their 20's, there's a heap of difference between a 14 year old and a 20 year old, even when the 20 year is slightly inexperienced. That is precisely why we have laws against such unions. You have no other choice but to wait until she is an adult to pursue your love affair or you risk ending up in the slammer.
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A
male
reader, fwddgs +, writes (19 March 2009):
I'm sorry my friend, but... You've got to think about from the girl's perspective. Yes once you're older it's no problem whatsoever, as you said, the 50 year old and the 44 year old. However you're almost 1 and a half times her age, you're at very different stages of your life and, although not at first, it makes a huge difference once things become serious. I've tried having relationships with an age gap and I can tell you it makes it very difficult to understand what's going on in their head, this in turn leads to huge tension.
If you can bear to wait a few years, it will be fine. 18 and 24 year olds are at the same stages of their lives and you can quite happily be with each other, but until then she's not going to be quite ready for you. I'm really really sorry.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): my dad met my mum when she was 14, and he was 20. when she was 16, they got engaged. when she was 18, they got married. they have now been together for 27 years.
age doesnt matter. if you are in love then why punish yourself and stop yourself from experiencing the greatest feeling in life?
have you told her your age? does she know?
talk to her about it. if she truly feels and cares for you then she wont care about the age gap or what other people say.
love has no limits or boundaries.
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