A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my dad have had a rough relationship since i was about 16 years old it really all stemmed from my dad moving arcross the country. i always resented him because I young and needed a father still and just the simple fact i felt a parent never should move that far away. My parents had got a divorce about five years before and I was living with my mom, so I guess he felt I was taken care of and I was but it still cut deep he didn’t want to be around. I never raised issues about it because I didn’t want to cause any family drama or awkwardness between me and him but deep down i felt pretty devastated and very betrayed that my parent would do something like that to me. We always keep in good contact and had frequent visits but our relationship was never the same the distance put a dapper on things. I went to a speak to a therapist because somedays I would fall into a depression thinking about how my father didn’t love me and pondering thoughts of how I wasn’t good enough. Sadly when i was 26 my mom passed away from leukemia it was the hardest time of my life because she was really all i had, but surprisingly my dad came to the rescue and stayed with me for a while during the time she was in hospice and really helped to get things in order and plan the funeral etc. he really did all he could and i know it was a very sad time for him too. In a way it brought us closer but now i feel more alone then ever. I started dating the love of my love shortly before my mom passed away and sometimes I feel really bad that him and my dad don’t really have the close of a relationship because I’m very close with his family. I just really breaks my heart that my dad will never do what he has to do to be a father. And in a way it bothers me more then ever because i feel like i might be getting engaged soon to my boyfriend and hopefully have kids shortly after and ill ask him do you ever plan on moving back and he says he has his mother back home and he helps take care of her. That statement really bothers me. I try so hard to look passed everything that happened and look at the good but at the end of the day nothing will erase what happened and what he did and he’ll never understand. I brought it up to him a few months ago that he really betrayed me when i was a teenager and he says things like he feels no guilt and he was always there for me and trys to make it like im the bad guy for not getting over it. I really hope one day my dad will be in live like I always wanted him to be and he could make up for things he did, i hope he will be in my childrens lifes and not just that grandpa that you barely know and just get a Christmas card from. I guess only time will tell.Does anyone have any input or suggestions on how to handle this situation?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (13 November 2022):
 I would love to hear your father's side of this but, even from only reading YOUR side, it sounds like your father did his best with the hand which was dealt to him. Let me explain why I feel this to be the case.
Your parents' marriage didn't work out and they had to separate. Did your father have sufficient money to buy/rent accommodation so he could stay in the area or did he leave himself short of money to ensure you and your mother were financially stable? Did he feel obliged to move back to look after his elderly mother? Is he living with her because he cannot afford a place of his own? Does being in your area raise painful memories for him?
He didn't "feel" you were well cared for; he KNEW you were, as do you. Unless your mother had finances of her own, I am sure your father contributed financially to help both of you. By your own admission, he kept in regular contact. It wasn't perfect in your eyes but maybe it was the best he could do under the circumstances.
Your resentment stems from your feeling that your father CHOSE to leave you. He didn't. Things didn't work out as he had hoped and he had to leave. He didn't abandon you. He stayed a responsible father. When you needed him, he was there, helping you after your mother's death. You admit that brought you closer together.
You say "I just really breaks my heart that my dad will never do what he has to do to be a father." What is it you want from him? Just because a man lives on your doorstep does not make him a better father. If you feel you need to speak to him, get into the habit of phoning or face-timing regularly. Arrange for him to come to stay with you sometimes and you and your boyfriend to go to stay with him. That way you can also spend time with your grandmother while she is still around (she won't be for ever).
Bottom line is that there is nothing you can do to change the past but you CAN make a better future if you want to. However, it will take effort on both your parts.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2022): I am very sorry that you feel this way but for all you know your father loves you to bits. Would you like to swap with me When I was 15 my mother and father split because he found out my mum was putting it about with another guy. He threw her and my sister - who was eleven - and me - fifteen - out, we were homeless having to live in this guy's car with him, we barely knew him. The court decided that my father had access to my sister and I but he told me that he never wanted to see us again, he was disgusted with me for going with them, because he felt I should have stayed with him to take care of him with cooking, chores, housework etc - he was a drunk - and he would never ever speak to either of us again. He moved away and would not give his phone number or address, nor invite us to the wedding of his second wife when that happened. By the time I was sixteen the guy my mum had been thrown out for was repeatedly trying to groom me, persuade me to have sex with him and all the rest. Some of you people posting problems and questions don't know you are born and don't know what a real problem is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 November 2022):
 Talk to him?
He can not read your mind and it doesn't sound like he moved away because he didn't care, but to take care of his mother. Who probably needs more help than you?
"I just really breaks my heart that my dad will never do what he has to do to be a father. "
You have a notion in your head that tell you "this is how a Dad should be" however, there is no mold that everyone fits into when it comes to parenting.
If you talk to him about HOW you feel and how you feel you lost out on him since he left - maybe you will come to know that he FELT you didn't need him. Because you two didn't communicate very well. While you were a teenager and didn't want to rock the boat, HE was the adult, and should have shown you that he wanted to be around you. Maybe he did but in a way, you didn't notice.
You two REALLY need to actually talk, and you need to accept that he was NOT the dad YOU would have wanted, but he is still your dad and the relationship you CAN have from now on, is up to the two of you.
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