A
female
age
,
*luemissbailey
writes:My ex husband and i got divorced 2 years ago today.....it was my fault i asked for the divorce and he was gutted and in great pain. i started seeing someone else. But realised i loved my ex who tried to get back with me...i was confused and rejected him kissing me so he got angry and the chance was gone. After 14 months it was New Years Eve and i went to the house as i had no place to live. He said he was going to meet another woman and he was wearing a pink shirt..i was hurt and said he looked a pink pansy...He went to meet her but she called the house and was shocked i was there. she thought i was his wife still and i did not deny this. she was married and separated from her husband and has a 4 year old boy..she and my ex still together she bought a brand new house on a mortgage....my ex still in our house and just goes to see her all the fun with no resposibility. My daughter 33 wont talk to me and has told me never to contact her as her dads happy and his girlfriend lovely and more pretty than me.......my ex has started to pay me his share of the Police pension every month on condition that he dont see me...we been talking by text and email.. my daughter got married and i was barred but this woman went......i am lonely and still in love with my ex.....hes upset about my daughter and me but yesterday said she wont talk and i should forget her....hes 57 and diabetic and he know that i still love him..hes been with her a year now shes 40 ..she rebounded onto him just 2 weeks after her husband left her for another woman who hes still with....i am 56 lonely and want him back....he says he dont hate me any more for the divorce..and at the Wedding told my sister he still loved me and the pain of our divorce nearly made him kill himself.... will it last with this woman?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): It is really good that he is telling you what is wrong. This means that he is starting to come back to reality and express to you what is hurting him.
Remember what I said before - men can't stand feeling like they have failed and, although thousands of couples have to sleep apart through necessity, the men tend to take it really, really badly. As to the sex - it doesn't sound like he is complaining about you, but, again, more like he himself felt rejected (this is illogical, I know, because you had fibroids etc, but men honestly can't even accept a logical answer sometimes...they really can't, I know this from experience...sometimes there is little point in telling them the logical reason, they just can't take it in) and, if he really did think that you were with other men, he is probably trying to compensate and "compete" now by getting another younger woman so that he can feel like a big, strong he man again!
I really did feel from when I first read your post that your husband still cares for you but the situation has gotten out of hand. Try to keep talking and whatever you do keep listening to him and try to see that, underneath everything else, he has been feeling like a failure. PLEASE DO NOT MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE HE HAS FAILED AGAIN OR YOU WILL LOSE HIM! If he starts to mention coming back, just quiety show him that you love him...try really hard not to blame him. Good luck, please keep us updated!
A
female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (20 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hes been texting me the last 2 days and blaming me for the lack of sex and the banishing him to the other bedroom..When in fact i was feeling bad with fobroids and the menopause. He didnt believe me and thought i was sleeping around....Her husbands angry with her because she stopped him seeing his son and she has got a big house deliberatly and wants him to support her buy paying the mortgage.......My ex really blaming me for the lack of sex so thats whats in it for him... sense hes not happy with her demands he never could stand bossy women and that's what he got now with her...I think hes getting less off her now and hes listening to me more... Hes never said he wont come back just he doesent want to talk...and hes never said that hes in love with her...Its a waiting game i think and as hes not lived with her full time i think hes starting to find fault in her..Hes stopped the anger and bitterness with me too...so i got some hope...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): If what you are saying is factually correct: ie. if he really has used your joint credit card for a very high amount of money AND the woman is definitely claiming single parent benefit then these are legal matters. You should contact your bank immediately about the card situation and you must decide, morally, whether you want to contact the DSS about benefit fraud. However, doing both of these things will probably NOT make your husband feel closer to you. Again, people will keep judging you and it would be best to behave in a dignified way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): OP I think u are getting to be vile. Leave this woman alone. Your ex hb doesn't berate your young lover does he?
Whatever he does for the new woman in his life shouldn't bother you. YOU gave him up remember?
Why should her ex hb consider her his enemy. After all he too cheated on his spouse.
I am normally all for reconciliation but there is something amiss here. How can u want your ex hb back when you are still with your stud?
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (18 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit just gets worse i have found out why he wants me to take over the mortgae the stupid man has used our joint credit card to help her get a brand new house hes used £10,000 ..hes stopped talking to me as she knows i still love him as he has told her he spoke last friday..Now hes gone to ground..i also found out she claiming benefits as a single parent and hes living with her about 5 days a week...i hope he move in full time and the reality check thats going to come...shes high mantainance buys candles at £25 he cant afford her and the mortgage on our house and the pension money to me..shes got 3 enimies now including her husband and his new girlfriend...think the honeymoons over for them.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): Yes, I think you are right to defend yourself in a way, but just be careful how you go about it or people will judge you even more. I think there is more to yoru situation than many people will assume - I think the other post here is expressing a lot of the judgements that people will automatically give to you and to the situation, and a lot of it will be because of your age and because you are female. this is why I was advising to "remain dignified" and calm throughout - people only usually look at the surface information/rumour available to them and it is surprising how many people will be so harsh to judge a very long relationship without understanding that it has its own negative effects on the individuals involved - sometimes in a long relationship no-one can see things clearly, but you can try to do so now.
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (18 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWait a minute i only met this fella 6 months ago so he was NOT the cause of my marriage break up...my ex has changed the locks on my house forcing me to rent another place. Hes been in breach of the Pension payments that hes suppose to pay me hes only just started last month paying it into my bank...After i told her he will leave her with not a penny too....This woman has been in my house in my bed whilst i was working on a live in care job...my ex even had my dog put down because she dont like them...He wants me take over the mortgage whilst he goes off free to have no worries with her....That dog was like my baby ...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): OP the more that I read of your followups the more astounded I am. U have a sad case of denial and immaturity. Let's unpact your mess u have made:
-YOU threw your hb away. After 34 years u threw him away for another man
- YOU destroyed your hbs life. U hurt him beyond reason. You did not bother about him at all.
- You were more concerned about the "good" sex u were getting out of your marriage
- your hb is a good decent man. You upgraded.
- he found another decent woman to help him through his pain.
- so what is she got with your ex hb only 2 weeks after her marriage ended. At least she did not screw around while being married!
- she is good for your hb. They pamper each other. They are good for each other after their respective spouses did dirt to them
- your daughter chose to not have u at her wedding. Why? Bec u had become an embarrassment to her and the families. There is no easy way to say this but it is he truth.
- this other woman went to your daughters wedding bec she was your hbs partner. How dare u dictate to her where she can go or not. You are just plain jealous of this woman bec your b treats her well. And why shouldn't he treat her well?
- u divided the families with your affair and wayward ways. No one else did this. Your true character was revealed and dare I say: u shocked a lot of people.
- your 20 something lover. Hey he is younger than your daughter. U say he treats u well. Perhaps he has a "mother" complex?
- your hb will NEVER take u back bec u have not changed your wayward ways. U are still having sex with your young stud. U have not changed your character. Your hb sees this. Your family sees this and your daughter can clearly see what means more to u and now now, u are sold on the sex.
- stop interfering in everyones lives. U made a mess of yours and u are continuing to spread the mess. Give your hb a chance to find happiness. Plse remember YOU threw him away without even a thought.
- your jealousy and your spitefulness and your vindictiveness is getting u no where. So plse leave well alone. You got what u wanted (the other man) but u are now holding onto your stud but you want your hb as well.
- I just want to pint out based on your studs nationality he is not black. Why is he with you? To get proper entry into your country? We also have this in my country. The foreigners hoodwink other grannies as well for proper status in the country. In our malls we see old women like u walking around with the foreign nationals. Its actually sad.
-OP I say this with all sincerity: if u want to show your ex and your family that u have changed then u need to sew them legs together, get rid of your stud. Cut out all your sexual activities with the men, basically clean up!
Let the people in your life see that u are really making an effort to change.
Your hb is a damn good man and I'm glad he found happiness.
I firmly believe that u need to speak to a psychologist because u cannot even comprehend what u have done to your hb and daughter.
OP I have read all your updates and quite frankly I am concerned that u cannot see what is really wrong.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): For her to be laying down the law to him like this shows that she is feeling insecure about where she stands but it is also the mark of a determined and possibly manipulative woman that she will try to control a man in this way. Is he still trying to speak to you regardless of being frightened that she will dump him? And if she does dump him, is he simply frightened of being left alone and old? Try to find out what his fear about that is and reassure him that you are there for him. What you said in an earlier post about wanting a new home with no memories of her - when the time is right, you could propose that to him, so that he knows you don't just want to take the house and leave him with nothing.I think you are right - be as sweet as honey to him including not trying to control him like she obviously is.By the way, part of me thinks "good for you" why not go out with a younger man at your age, more women should be allowed to do this if they want to...but in your particular situation I think you want your man back and he may be very flattered to learn that, after this adventure with a younger man, you still want him.As to your husband talking about your abortion - it sounds as if at times the things that you both have said have degraded to a low state because both of you have been in pain and - sorry but to say it again, a bit immature in how you have dealt with things until now. I do think he loves you but has gotten very confused. I think if you are able to calm down and stop seeing the younger man and somehow start talking to your daughter again this will all really help.Good luck with it all - people do get back together again after divorce, you can maybe somehow remind your husband of that in the nicest possible way.
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (17 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes i am 56 and hes 29 and so good looking he treats me good too and his family like me. but my heart loves my ex husband...he wont even talk to me shes said she finish with him if he does....i wanted revenge and i could easily hurt her...but the one thing she wants more than anything is my ex its personal now...hes a big softie and she will get her way with him...i see why her husband escaped now...my ex got to wake up and see how shes changed him ...he doesent look or sound happy hes being used.....i will be as sweet as honey and hope he comes back...34 years a life time together...i am surprised at how weak he really is....Hes told everyone about the abortion i had at 28 just to justify what hes doing.....why do they change so very much? i talked last week to him he says he dont hate me...but i suspect hes told her i said i still love him ...now shes made him stop emailing and texting, he sounds scared of her...he never liked bitch type women before but shes turned into one...i am going be sweet as honey and cancelled the Ricin ....joking !
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): Well...I'm not sure what to say now...if you are really enjoying the sex with this younger man but still want your ex back then I think you have to stop seeing the younger one and maybe, if you can get back with your husband, try to spice things up in the bedroom? At least it is a nice compliment to you that this young man finds you attractive! Seriously though, lovely as it is you might realise that it is not everything and that family and your ex are more important. good luck in any case and keep us posted as to how you get on!
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (17 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes you are right about me being immature ans i am selfish...the young man i been seeing is now in love with me and has asked me to marry him ....hes Tunisian so not really black ...hes lovely and i have been sleeping with him and you know what its the nicest sex i ever had....hes asked me to marry him its not for a visa hes already in the united Kingdom....i miss my ex he was my rock...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): It is so easy for people who have not been in such a long relationship to start judging.
Look, the more that you write the more it seems obvious that you and your husband had a good marriage that neither of you really appreciated and, after 34 years and in your own separate ways, you both started wondering what else was "out there". This is highly understandable but it will make people judge you. Do you live in a small town? If you do you will literally be "the talk of the town".
On the other hand, although all this behaviour makes sense - you seeing someone, he seeing someone, you are right in the sense that he - and you really - are "playing" at having relationships. You are both behaving like teenagers trying to figure out what you want AND trying to just have some fun at the same time.
My feeling is that this has all got a bit confused and the more that it goes on like this the more complex it will get.
Simplify the situation as much as you can. Surely you can see that you seeing a young black man is about the worst thing you can do in terms of your reputation and in terms of hurting your ex husband's self esteem?
as to the other woman, I very much feel that she is, as you say, on the rebound and has chosen a very easy option with your husband. At the same time, he is enjoying having his self esteem boosted because it has probably been rock bottom for a long time.
Plenty of people will condemn you and say you messed up and so on and that you don't deserve him back. But if you really do want him back you honestly have to grow up, big time. A lot of what you are saying sounds like the voice of someone in their twenties... a kind of "he did this and then I said that and then she tried to strangle me and then he said blah, blah". Put a stop to it all.
Start to act your age and start to behave in a much more dignified way. Be a stable force for your ex husband and show him that you two can have fun without him having to spend loads of money and without him having to make much effort. Take up new hobbies yourself - join a walking group or a book club, so that you are doing things to take your mind off your problems and that show that you have interests other than just going for a drink and dining out etc (these are fine, but for your own maturity you'd perhaps benefit from being a more 'rounded' person?. REad some relationship books like "men are from mars, women are from venus or check out websites on how to understand the male mind.
Whatever you do, make your husband feel good, even if that involves holding back on the criticism about his new relationship - if you really love him and are not only thinking about your own pleasure and needs, then convey this to him. If you are, underneath it all, just scared and lonely then you really do need to grow up and move on and just let him be.
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (17 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe soon forgot her husband it too just 2 weeks for her to latch on to my ex husband...So she definitly on the rebound and to forget her husband after 8 years of marriage shes a hard woman..my ex sweet man and kind and i wish we had just talked more.....
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (17 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hate this woman because she humiliated me in front of all my family and his family at my daughters Wedding. Shes been saying i haven't spoken to my daughter for 3 years this is a lie..I have not spoken to my daughter since the day sshe met my ex husbands new girlfriend.My ex husband took her to the Wedding at she sat on the top table in my palce and my family had to watch her fawning over my ex at what should have been my best day. I had told his girlfriend to stay away from the Wedding...i will never forgive her for this callous act because it is something i would have never done.She has been in my house whilst i was working and spring cleaned it as it i left it dirty...i was working on live in care jobs so could not be there all the time...
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (17 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hate this woman because she humiliated me in front of all my family and his family at my daughters Wedding. Shes been saying i haven't spoken to my daughter for 3 years this is a lie..I have not spoken to my daughter since the day sshe met my ex husbands new girlfriend.My ex husband took her to the Wedding at she sat on the top table in my palce and my family had to watch her fawning over my ex at what should have been my best day. I had told his girlfriend to stay away from the Wedding...i will never forgive her for this callous act because it is something i would have never done.She has been in my house whilst i was working and spring cleaned it as it i left it dirty...i was working on live in care jobs so could not be there all the time...
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (17 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBeacause i have been seeing a younger man everyone is judging me and there feelingsing are towards my ex husband...I think this is the new problem he listening to what other family friends are saying about me. My daughter told my mother shes embarassed im seeing a young black man!!! hes very nice and i do care for him but i dont love him like i do my ex husbnad...I am going just sit here for a time and not see anyone...I just cant win...i was married 34 years along time and i can never find that love again ...stupid me ..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): You said so yourself that u have been seeing a younger man. Your hbs slippers were barely cold when u replaced your hb with another man.
This younger woman has not cheated on your hb. She is faithful, plse remember this.
Whether he still loves u is not the issue. Of course he still cares and he still loves u, he gave u 34 years together before YOU replaced him.
This woman he is now with: she's a good woman. Let her be.
Whether you and your ex hb will get back together is a wait and see thing. Right now he is happy with her, and he deserves all the happiness he could get. YOU hurt him, u destroyed him when YOU threw him away.
And Now that u have found out that the grass isn't greener with your young lover, u want your tried and tested faithful hb back? It doesn't work like this honey. Actions and Consequences. You made a choice to leave your hb for greener pastures. Those greener pastures were anything but.
If you really think that you and your ex can reconcile then do the decent thing, and Do Not interfere in his new relationship. Why are u bitter against his new woman? Let him love and be loved, let him work through his issues and Let Him Heal. If he does come back to u, great. If not then please respect him and the new woman and not interfere in their lives.
You messed up OP. You thought u traded up. You didn't .
LoveGirl
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (16 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for making me see clearer now i expected him to say he loved her. He did say he loved her on The New Years Eve too emotional when he known a short time...she hadnt let her husbands slippers get cold before taking up with him and they had not had sex she told me that when i spoke. Shes angry because i told her he played around and that i had been working away....I told her he had just tried to strangle me and she said call the Police...but shes still with him hes there every weekend whist her son goes his dads...They are playing at the relationship all wining and dining and sex ...I am sure hes confused and shes rebounding...hes her knight in shining armour ...
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (16 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt the time when he said hes fitter than ever i thought he had been working out to please the other woman...Yes now i see i should have complimented him on his improved appearance...She had been running for charity and i thought he been keeping fit for her...I want to slap myself for not listening to what he was really saying to me..i have been seeing a younger man recently and my ex said he once looked like that...its the growing old thing thats doing him i see that now....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): I think now that you have said more on the subject, your husband does not love this woman but still loves you.However, he is VERY sensitive to any criticism from you. This is why he defended himself as being fitter than ever after saying that he was sick of being used and lied to and you said you thought he would be in love...he has just automatically leapt to his own defence in order to protect himself and seem better to you.It is so obvious that the man feels that he has failed. Memories of a dead son can stay with people for years and years. This woman is just a distraction, but a dangerous one because your man sounds like - as you say - a real softie, easily able to be manipulated.Men who are soft inside are sweethearts but they can also often get very emotionally confused. I think your husband still loves you but is very, very hurt and confused. He needs for you to be a stable force for him and you can be this without making any demands on him. Be honest and open and tell him how you feel BUT DO NOT CRITICISE HIM.Tell him that you made a huge mistake due to the menopause and fibroids andso on - these are hormonal issues that really affect a woman. You can also offer to go to counselling with him.
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (14 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel very depressed we were married for 34 years
and all my memories include him...how could i be so stupid..at the time i felt numb and think the menopause and bad fibroids killed the physical side. now i am ok and want my ex back because i am so jealous of this woman. Hes acting like hes scared to talk incase she finds out. also she keeps finishing with him then he goes running to d what she wants...i really pray he wakes up to this womans needy demands...she should go back to her husband for th boys sake. my ex good with kids and we got no grand children i think this part of the pull with her....if she so perfect why her husband dump her ?
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (14 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your kind interest
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (14 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy ex said hes sick of the whole thing and he feels betrayed lied to and used...I said i thought you be happy and energetic and in love not sad...He repied who said iam down not me i am fitter than i have been in years..what this means not sure....
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (14 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe only started paying me his pension after i told her he had left me without anything...i have said i dont want to be bought or his conscience money....He has shave off his moustache but i think he looks more hamdsome with it...I feel sorry for the young boy....Her husband's girlfriends giving her grief too, as they are in the marital home...My ex very soft and I would suspect he is helping her financially because he is a big softie at heart...I told this woman not to go to the Wedding but it was me who was banned as my daughter thought i would kick off..My sister looks like me a lot and the woman got angry because my sister kissed him on the lips in front of her...I want my house back and he has changed the locks. Now says i can have the house and he will go live in a bedsit...The house is run down and i would love a new place with no memories of what she has done...
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female
reader, bluemissbailey +, writes (14 October 2011):
bluemissbailey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has been with this woman exactly for 1 year. Her husband left her for a younger woman too...Before we divorced he was very aggresive and drinking 2 bottles of wine every night. My friends go abroad a lot and i went with them .He was convinced that i was seeing a younger man but we just friends but my ex convinced i was sleeping with this 25 years old man. I work as a live in carer and was away from home for up to 3 months. He came to visit me and said he loved me. Then i suspect he slept with a woman of 60 who he dumped. i am still very attractive and he said that for my age i was still lovely. he was diagnosed with diabetes he said i gave it ot him..The bacame very confused and almost had a death wish saying he be dead soon.. this depression was what stopped me making up with him again..I was working until the New Year he said he had met another woman i was shocked and agry and we exchanged words. She made him repoert me to the Police for harassment as i was angry she was in my house in my bed whist i was working...I want him back i am no longer nice looking i have aged over night i cant stop thinking of him and her..I cant love another man my heart still loves my ex..he looks strange and gone greyer says it what i have done to him..Hes at this womans beck and call and shes always finishing with him if he dont do what she says...he dont look happy and has lost weight running round with her son...she looks like me and the boy looks like our son who dies aged 20 i think hes trying relive the past ....now he says he dont hate me but hes never said he loves her either...
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female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Hi,
Sorry that you are going though a difficult time, feel so much pain, lonely. Also, it must be heartbreaking to have your own daughter behave this way? How long is your ex-husband and this new woman together?
Your daughter behavior shows that she has been hurt as much as your husband. He admitted to your sister that during that time, he even felt suicidal, because the divorce was painful, and devastating for him. I guess, it was as much as dufficult for your daughter to have so much hate for you. Your daughter needs time to heal, and eventually she will come back to you. Right now, she just got married, she's happy, have all the support, but one day she will need you, and will realize how much you mean to her.
As for your ex-husband, only time will tell. But, if they have not been together that long, there's a possibility that you might have a chance. After all, you are his true, and only love of his life. He's happy now, I guess this woman is trying her best to keep your ex-husband, but do not give up! Understand that your husband also. Needs time to heal. What you did is almost unforgivable, and being cheated on is one of the most difficult, painful, one goes through besides death. I was in a 10 years relationship with my ex, just found out a year ago, just ended a month ago. I couldn't forgive him. I know the pain your husband must have gone through, words cannot describe, absolutely kills you inside, and out. Affects you mentally, emotionally, physically. Be patient, and hopefully you can have your life back... Your husband, and daughter. Take one day at a time,
I know it's difficult, but try to set aside your emotions and look at the situation from your husband, and daughter point of view. Best wishes dear friend, and stay strong. You need to be patient, understanding, and hopefully your husband will see how much you still love him... Will take time... I hope you feel better soon...
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): I read this and something struck in the core of my being: sometimes there are no second chances. Sorry I wish I was telling u something different.
Hun u left him. U divorced him. You thought the grass was greener elsewhere. U moved on with a new man. But then u had what I will incorrectly term "buyers remorse". Maybe u did not value what u had previously. Remember your hb was gutted. He was in pain. But he had to accept that u wanted a new life.
Be happy for him OP. Its sad yes, but be happy that he has now moved on. Your daughter is angry with u bec she knows what u put her dad through. You need to make peace with your daughter. U need to ask for forgiveness. U need to move on as well.
Yes its lonely. But find a few good friends. Become more social.
Allow your ex the happiness that he deserves. U devastated him with the divorce.
I truly hear your pain. And your regret But sadly the second chance will not come.
OP plse don't wait for him. U are still young. So please make your life worth living and make peace with the past.
LoveGirl
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): You don't say why you asked for a divorce or why you feel that things were your "fault", but you seem to have accepted that it was your actions that caused the divorce to happen.Now you are facing difficulty with your husband because he was extremely hurt by your divorce as he loved you at the time.And your daughter will not speak to you - you don't say why, but it seems that she must be very heartbroken and upset and feels betrayed by you for divorcing her Dad, when she knew that he loved you.In this kind of situation it is natural that your husband with want comfort from someone and, if this woman who is 17 years younger than him is only to happy to give it, then he will just go along with that because he must still be feeling like he failed with you. If a man is made to feel that he had failed he will simply start to respond to another woman who makes him feel that he is not failing but winning.You say that they have been together for a year but that they live separately. Your husband sounds like a stable man - you don't give much detail, but this is the impression that I get - and so he won't be likely to be causing her any problems as such. If her husband left her for another woman, then she is probably very glad to have this stability. When women feel very vulnerable, they can often be attracted to an older man and the man, in turn, feels like he is getting an instant "boost", so it is a "win/win" situation.He may have communicated to others that he still loves you, but this is not unusual. Mature people learn that they can still love someone very much but that it is not healthy or right for them to be together.It is difficult to know if he will stay with this woman or not. If you still want him back then the first thing that you have to do is NOT be manipulative and do not cause any scenes. He has been made to feel, by you, that he failed and this is why he is now behaving as he is doing. You cannot undo that feeling overnight. The best that you can aim for is to be very good friends to one another and, if in time he can open up to you again, maybe more can develop. Do not criticise his behaviour or the woman that he is with. You must be honest with him - you can tell him that you miss him very much and that you realise that you made a huge mistake before. You must remain very stable throughout this period and try to find ways to support him and help him - even in small ways - rather than making him feel that he must come back to you and/or must help you out of a sense of duty.In regard to your daughter, I believe that she still loves you very much - when people go to these extremes to "prove" that the other has behaved badly, it is usually a sign that they have been incredibly hurt by someone that they love. When she lashes out at you with hurtful words, she is expressing her own hurt. Try to forgive her for this and understand that underneath it all she loves you. Without manipulating your ex husband, you could suggest that, if she can see that the two of you can at least be friends, then she will maybe realise that there is at least a way in which the three of you can talk about what has happened.In regard to him taking this woman to your daughter's wedding - this must have been very hurtful for you to know about but, honestly, these kind of situations are not always the "declaration" that they seem. More likely that men think "oh, I have no-one to go with...who is available...oh yes, the woman that I have been seeing". It is not always this way, but honestly, men sometimes do not think much beyond their immediate "needs" and he simply felt he needed a partner. As to her being "prettier" than you - well, being younger sometimes makes it easier to attract men, but this is not always what wins out in the end - personality and a loving history are what most people would go for over looks. Don't even try to get into a competitive situation with her in that way - it honestly isn't worth it, regardless of the age difference. Just make sure that you are keeping healthy and that you are leading as interesting a life as you can and keeping in shape - that is all you need to do.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Nobody can tell you whether it will last for him and this new woman. I am sorry about the fact that your daughter has cut you out of her life, it is not something any parent should have to deal with. In regards to your ex husband, I don't think he will come back to you, it really doesn't seem from your post that he wants to come back to you, he has moved on and I think that maybe you should do the same. You said that he pays you a share of the police pension on the condition he doesn't see you, which means he doesn't want to see you. Even if it doesn't work out between him and his current girlfriend, I doubt he would come back to you. Try to join some groups or get a new hobby and get out and meet people, but I honestly think that any chance you had with your ex husband has passed. I am sorry your facing this pain and I hope that things get better. Good luck.
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