A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:There is this married man who has a huge crush on me. Everybody knows it. He used to see me everyday and we would talk within our group of friends and sometimes on our own. I have been told by other friends that his wife did not like that he had a crush on me and has banned him from seeing me or being around me anymore.Is this behaviour normal or unheard of? Wife must be pretty insecure to go to these extremes. I am not sure why she would do this. Can you really control your husband or spouse? Can you control somebody's feelings? Won't he end up resenting her eventually? Why wouldn't she just let him keep showing up and trust him to do the right thing and not cross the line? Isn't that what spouses do? I think they must have some problems in their marriage and need to resolve them on their own instead of thinking I am the sole cause of them. Otherwise why would he even be so infatuated with me to begin with? Does banning him from even talking to me change the fact he has a crush on me? I would think it persists anyway. I think of that saying, what you resist, persists. Will he just forget about me? Is that what she is hoping? Eventually he will have to see me and talk to me again. She can't continue doing this forever. What does she hope to gain from banning her husband from talking to me or seeing me? And, more importantly, WILL IT REALLY WORK?I feel that when he sees me again, it will all come back to him. Any opinions on this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): To the OP: who cares if the wife is insecure or not. More importantly she eliminated the threat from her marriage. I wish more spouses (husbands and wives) were like this married guy's wife.You seem very annoyed that he has respected his wife's feeling. You are annoyed that he did not 'fight' to still gush over you. You have enjoyed the flattery and the attention and it seems as though you may have secretly encouraged it. This means that you were not as immune to his attention as you would want your friends to think.Instead of getting annoyed and instead of worrying about his wife's insecurities please reflect on this: what right do you have to be angry at his wife? What right do you have to WANT this man to still run after you? You seem to revel in his attention: you felt special and you looked forward to the flirting?? To the games?? To the unintended consequences? Think long and hard: if the shoe was on the other foot wouldn't you too eliminate the threat. Whether his marriage has issues is no concern of yours. Leave him, his wife and their family business/issues alone. You have no right to expect this married man to defy his wife's wishes, you have no right PERIOD.I know you are hurt because no one is paying attention to you currently. Perhaps some internal intraspection is in order? Look at your motives and desires and look at your wants. Yes you were honoured by this married man's crush on you but honestly speaking, you seem to be very affected that he has respected his wife. Yes you may now want to actively run after him and get him, but really, why waste your life on someone who is already taken?LoveGirl
A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 The point here is that his wife told him to stay away and he listened. No one knows what is going through this married man mind and the only fact we know is that he listened to his wife and is avoiding this women. The wife was right to remove the problem from her marriage and has the right to fight for her marriage. The husband loves her enough to respect her wishes and was smart enough to keep this women away. In my opionion this man is not encouraging anything more from this women crush or not. He proved to love his wife by keeping his distance.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (8 March 2011):
To male anonymous:
He's not running with it. That's the point. That's how you know he's committed. He might have the crush, but he's done nothing at all. No one even really knows whether he does have a crush. There's a rumour, and that's it.
And I'm afraid we all do know what this woman is after. It's painfully clear in her post.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): If these two want to get together, there is nothing the wife or anyone else can do about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): I have to put my two cents in because the cupids are being really judgmental here.
First, I don't get how anonymous is getting from the OP asking this question that the OP advocates affairs or even wants to break up this guy's marriage. Isn't that why Dear Cupid is around? For people to ask questions? Why should the OP be ashamed to ask her question? She has every right. There are all kinds of questions being asked in this forum. Many of them much more serious in nature. You have to get off that high horse, anonymous. None of us is perfect and we all have problems. This is why we're here asking for advice.
Sure, she enjoys the attention. Who wouldn't? I am sure he enjoys the attention she gives him, too. I really don't see anything wrong if two consenting adults are willing and able to flirt with each other and do not take it further. Flirting is okay if you do not cross any boundaries or become obviously aggressive. If they have only been talking, what the heck is the big deal? It's only talking and appreciating a member of the opposite sex. Are we saying that married people are dead or are not able to enjoy other people on a platonic level? There is a certain art to it. If you can't handle it, don't do it.
If crushes come and go as one person said, should it really be such a big deal and such a THREAT to a marriage? Isn't everybody jumping the gun a little? I would really wonder if this woman who the husband has a crush on is prettier than his wife? Wives can be pretty insecure if their husband likes a woman who is more beautiful than they are. Maybe the wife has self esteem problems.
And Caring Guy, if this man was a committed married guy, would he even be entertaining this thought to begin with? NOPE. Would he be running with it? NOPE. Obviously he is not fully satisfied with his wife otherwise he would not be flirting with another woman. Men who are happy in their marriages could get a crush once in awhile but I don't think they would entertain it in any way.
If he respects his wife, he will abide by her wishes? Well, if he respected her in the first place he wouldn't be out flirting with another woman. I don't think guys like this will ever change. He likes the chase and I think he will find a way to go back to his crush because he will want to sleep with her. I know, sounds sad, but men can be dogs. Married men who are bored and looking for action can be even bigger dogs.
I agree with the last post. The wife has to put the reign on his behaviour because he has done this before. It doesn't matter if the OP likes him. If she is single she should just stay away and leave it alone because nothing ever happens unless a woman gives the green light. The guy is married. He is the one who is not available and should not be flirting.
Let's just say the problem is between the married couple. The world is full of women who will probably appreciate and like the husband. Will the wife keep every woman away? I think they need to work things out between themselves because they have issues. And I think they need to establish trust between each other. The wife needs to stop treating the husband like a child. Honestly, if she is treating him this way, he has to have done something like this before.
OP's just asking a question, people. That's what we're here for, ya know. Don't y'all assume that she's out to get him just 'cause she's asking.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (4 March 2011):
why are you so concerned about this married man?
any woman well ban her husband or BF from a girl who knows that he likes her and instead of backing him off
she encourages him more and more..
if he has feelings for you it well continue for a long time even if he stops seeing you unless he had a crush on a new girl
but there is a big possibility that he is avoiding you aswell because he wants to be distant from you physically and emotionally even if it is painfull but being distant from you well eventually heal his wounds
why dont you e-mail him directly to get every thing clear?
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Adorskable +, writes (4 March 2011):
The wife has the right to fight and protect her marriage. I don't find her a bit insecure because she handle the situation and took a stand, she didn't allow herself to be taken as a joke by either her husband or you. I give her credit because she fixed the problem. She is the wife and obviously a strong and intelligent women that grabbed the Bull by its Horns!
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A
male
reader, The13th_Floor  +, writes (3 March 2011):
Why do you care so much? You're obviously jealous of her. Why don't you just respect your friends wishes and back the hell off their marriage???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): My husband has banned me from speaking to another guy who he thought had a crush on me. I did not like that he felt like he owned me and controlled my actions like I was some child. He trusts me and that should be enough. No reason to go to such great lengths. In the end, I do what I want to do because I am an adult and I am able to control any situation because I am in charge. End of story. Any person who needs to control their spouse has reason. Obviously this guy is a creep who has cheated before or has had these types of crushes once too often. The wife is well versed in how to handle him from past experience.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): Stop pushing. You ought to be ashamed of yourself of even asking. It's people like you who advocate affairs and even act innocent when it does happen and even when a marriage ends in separation or divorce you act like you had nothing to do with it. To say "Why wouldn't she just let him keep showing up and trust him to do the right thing and not cross the line?" That's sort of like giving a child a matchbook and candle and saying he knows what to do...he'll do the right thing and not light the match. Not that I'm wishing this on you, but what if you found out that your husband had an interest on a friend that's in his circle of friends. I bet you wouldn't care, would you? Don't ever tempt anyone nor mock anyone's decision and choice. You know what you're doing. You want the marriage to break, right? And I bet you enjoy the attention he's giving you. Find someone that's freely available for you - fully. If I were you, I'd leave the group.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): It doesn't mean she is insecure. It means she won't tolerate disrespect in her marriage. You say it was obvious there was a crush so she was being openly disrespected in public and she wasn't going to have that. Ultimately, he will respect her for that, not resent her. All men are attracted to other women and get crushes...but we marry the women who keep us on our toes and protect us from ourselves so to speak.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 March 2011):
 I don't know why you are even concerned about this. It's not your marriage and they obviously aren't friends of yours.
Also, honey... you need to get over yourself. All you have is hearsay. Irrelevant hearsay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): Just leave the guy alone if you were in her shoes i dont think you would like it if your husband was doing that.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (3 March 2011):
 You might be right about the wife not behaving as she ideally should, but I have the strong hunch that you are also interested in the husband. You know that the married man has a strong interest on you, enough for his wife to "ban" his seeing you, and that does not seem to suggest that maybe you should put some distance between you and him. If only so that, whatever happens with their marriage, you won't have anything to do with it.My opinion is, stay away from the man yourself.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 March 2011):
 I would suggest you spend all your energy focusing on your own business and quit pondering on their marriage. Crushes come and go at the drop of a hat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): It sounds like you like the attention from this guy. What you're really worried about is if he'll still be interested in you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 March 2011):
My opinion is she did the right thing, and had the right to do it too. Will it work? If he respects his wife and loves her enough, he'll get over you with few problems at all. If he has no respect for her, then he'll go out of his way to come to you. What comes out in your post, is that you appear to like the crush and are rather hoping her efforts will fail. Is that so?At the end of it, his wife was concerned about their marriage enough to pull rank on him. She had the right to do so, and hopefully if he has respect and love for her, it will work. Can she do it forever? Yes. Does she trust him? Yes, to an extent. But like any person who sees their marriage threatened, she is concerned and is doing the right thing by addressing it. Will he resent her? Not in the slightest if he loves her. Is she insecure? Of course - her husband has a crush on another women. You'd be as insecure as she is! Should she just trust him to come see you? With the greatest of respect, you seem like someone who's enjoying this a bit too much - if I was her, I wouldn't trust you either. Finally, will it work? 100% if he is a committed married man. Remember, you're just a crush, not the love of his life. I've no doubt at all, that this will work if he wants it to. And if he has agreed to her demand (which in this case is more than reasonable), then he has made he decision that his marriage means that much to him.
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