A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I (25/F) and Art (30/M)recently broke up from a 1 year relationship. The problem: he barely paid for our dates, even after I told him it bothered me. He wants to get back together, but I'm unsure.Art is a smart, sensual, and charismatic man. The other parts of our relationship were fine except this. But this stuck out the most to me. When we're first dating, Art offered to pay for us. But after we became exclusive, Art told me he hated women who wanted men to pay for everything and thought things should be paid 50/50. So, from then on, we split the bill. It wasn't romantic to me, but I really liked him. After a few weeks, Art complained I never paid for him. So, I did. I either paid for both of us or I split the bill with him. But very rarely did HE pay for US also. After several months, I got angry. I like simple things. A dinner, a movie, some drinks now and then. But not always on ME! I told Art he was slacking. Multiple times. His answer was either a)total disbelief, b)reassurance that things WERE equal, or c) telling me he'd "look into it", buy 1 thing and then stop. For a while, I dropped it. I hated the negativity arguing brought. I hoped he'd change on hisown. He did not.I decided to have a conversation about his finances. And Art told me he:1)was financially ok; pays his bills fine2)"put the matter into his subconscious" and knows he didnt handle it well3)was "working on it his own way" but "obviously not the way I wanted."4)was trying to spend on me and save for his future, but somehow failed to do both and is unsure how.5) paid for his exs' dates when he earned more,but since he makes less now, he wants to spend more wisely.Art's now paying for my plane ticket to come see him (My job transferred me to a different state before I broke up with him). Which I find ironic, cause he's spent more on me now that I broken up with him, than he had when we were together. Art wants us to get back together. But to me, if we lived closer together and I told you to step up in our relationship and you didnt...how would it get better, if we're now states away?And why would a man be so stingy anyway?Your thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you honeypie. He did tell me a few days ago that he's ben financially hurt by his exes before. But he said it was when he was a teenager. I brought that theory up with him. And it turned into a can of worms. He insists thats not the case. But the argument we had afterwards is making me second guess seeing him. He says he's flying me out cause he misses me and so we can catch up and 'live freely.'as he puts it. But to me, in the past I feel like when an ex wants ro catch up soon after a break up its to soothe his own emotions. Although our sex life was fantasic I'm torn about seeing him. I know I could visit and not have sex. But I dont know if I shoukd be seeing him at all. The trip is for 4 days.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (11 January 2015):
I think Honeypie could be onto something. Lots of people, when they buy something for others or if they spend money on them, expect something in return. This guy may have a past of spending a lot of money on women and have it not be 'worth his while'. In short: lots of people think spending money is an investment. Several family members of mine think this way and I go out of my way to avoid getting gifts from them or having them pay for stuff for me because they feel like they're buying control.
This guy may be feeling bitter and be stingy because his attempts at buying control in the past did not work out. This is why he avoided spending money on you. If you get back with him, his investment (the plane ticket) will work out for him. If what I'm saying hits the mark for you, then you need to think about whether you want to be with someone who looks at people and money that way.
Also, I don't really think the old "the man pays for everything on dates" standard is romantic. I mean, if we women want to be equal in this society and be able to get the jobs men get and be treated with the same amount of respect, we have to let go of those old standards that were set up based on the idea men make money and women stay at home.
So be realistic about your expectations.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2015): Would this be an issue if the genders were reversed?
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (10 January 2015):
 He is cheap, that's how he is. He may have saving grace qualities that make him worth it to be with. If so, my recommendation is to stop doing things that cost money. Fun can be had for free; activities don't have to revolve around money and neither does happiness. Or you can move on to a free spender. Which ever you prefer
~SY
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 January 2015):
 I'm an older generation than you, so I didn't deal much with guy who didn't pay on dates. It was just how it was. I went on TWO dates where on one we paid our own way (which is fine) and the other where the guy tried to pull the "Oh I forgot my wallet, can you pay?" (which he hadn't, the dumbass had shown me pictures FROM said wallet earlier, so I knew he was just "cheap").
Anyhow, I think you BF RESENTS the money he spend on exes when those relationships came to no fruition. So he feels spending money spend is an INVESTMENT in HIS future. He doesn't want to invest in something that isn't a "sure thing". He feels the money spend in PAST relationship are basically wasted money. And when he has "let" you pay for him over and over, to me that seems like he is trying to recoup money spend on EXES. If that makes sense? I don't think it's fair though. HE chose to PAY for them, he shouldn't "punish" you for that.
Personally, I think either taking turns or going 50/50 is fine. I don't think it's a "guy's job" to always pay.
Your guy though.. he isn't trying to be your "equal". He is trying to NOT have to spend money on you. And if he can get away with it, get YOU to pay.
I think the two of you see things very differently. Whether it's your "languages of love" that differs or just upbringing is hard to say.
I think that MAYBE the moving away was a good thing for you. Maybe you should look for a guy who is a better match.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (10 January 2015):
 Saving money isn't stingy - yet, I don't think that's what this guy is doing.
I think all dates should be 50/50 after the first few when it can be dating within your means, so that you can pay the bill comfortably.
If you don't think he can do that, don't bother with him.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (10 January 2015):
Never let your standards drop. If you don't like things and you've considered his situation more than enough times then make it known that its not acceptable and you are not budging. With some guys they only try their best when they feel like the woman is not secured.
Well I agree spending wisely is a good idea, it should be equal on both parties. Both you and him should be able to spend wisely at all times with the occasional splurge. I think this is more about his attitude about spending rather than his actual spending since he did cough up the money for the plane ticket. Btw, I do not agree with him buying your ticket if you are split. If you agree to see him with the ticket he paid for then all that really tells him is he can continue to be stingy and just occasionally drop a few dollars on you and you will be happy. I'm not surely if it makes sense but you will have to judge his attitude and not his actions for the most part.
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (10 January 2015):
 Spending wisely and saving money is good idea but not when it's done at the expense of another.
Art has shown that he is more inclined to make the effort to impress you when his position in your life is uncertain, so keep it that way.
Treat him as a suitor and not a boyfriend. Go out on dates when both you schedules and finances allow it. Maintain personal boundaries by not becoming too intimate. No commitments, no promises. Just play it by ear that way for the foreseeable future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): I personally don't think that a guy should pay ALL the time, but considering how much women need to invest in their grooming and wardrobe to go on those dates, I think a guy needs to pay more often than a woman. Especially if he makes more money, which is ussualy the case as women still make by 25% less for the same job.
In a good partnership this is how it works: the one with more money helps out the one with less money. In a bad partnership there is a lot of talk about equality(men) and its usually a guy who insists everything should be split in half.
In a good partnership a woman when she sees that a guy is struggling and not exactly in a position to take the whole load on himself offers to pay her share if she is totally capable.
So, I don't know what your situation is. In any case this relationship was new, and what you are telling us he was mooching of you quite a bit, as with time you started to pay for him most time.
But what I understand that you were under the impression that he is saving quite a bit , and has a good salary.
To answer your question why, some people are just very cheap. Cheapness and frugality are 2 different things. Cheap person would take advantage of others, will be sneaky and always use opportunity to have thing on someone's expence. Frugal person is the one who knows his/ her limits and spends accordingly without any attempt to mooch of anyone.
Cheap person when out will order the most expensive items on a menu if the bill is split equally. Frugal will have his/ her check and will order accordingly to his/ her pocket.
Your ex is not frugal as he wants to portray himself, he is cheap. The fact that you eventually started to pay for him more and more often tells me that this is what he was attempting to do from the very beginning.
There is no cure for cheapness, don't even hope for that. The fact that he is paying for your ticket means that he he doesn't want to loose you, but when he gets you back things will go their old ways.
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female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (10 January 2015):
It's right there in everything you said. He is trying to spend wisely. From what you said he doesn't seem someone who wouldn't pay if he could. You say that used to pay for his gfs when he had the money.
And honestly, there's nothing wrong in splitting the bill if you can pay for yourself. You can't expect someone to pay for you all the time.
Just because you are with someone, doesn't mean that you become their responsibility.
I understand you want to be pampered sometimes. So talk it out with him and see what he feels.
If you are going to call someone stingy just because they are trying to be more sensible about their expenses, i am really sorry, but you really need a reality check.
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