A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:since the birth of our daughter almost 4 years ago, my partner (early 40's) has completely lost interest in sex and any intimate connection is now non existent, we never hug, kiss or even snuggle, she admits that she has no interest in sex since child birth which i accept can be common, however she refuses, to seek any help e.g., talking to doctor or friend or family member, I have tried to take her on date night ( we always end up home by 9pm) i have even suggested herbal supplements, but she refuses that avenue as well. in 4 years we have had sex less than 8 times and none in last year and when we do its always no foreplay for either of us, i've asked if i can please her in other ways like oral sex. she refuses to pleasure me in any way either, and suggests i should pleasure myself. I have told her about my frustrations more than once and love her very much but I am Scared I say something I regret like I'm leaving, especially over sex. help, any advise is appreciated?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2016): What would worry me in your story is not the lack of sex but intimacy in general. Hugging, kissing etc. Let me explain. If you used to snuggle, kiss and hug without this leading to sex itself, then there's something wrong here and it has nothing to do with sex.Especially since you mention that the few times you did have sex, you just did it, no foreplay, no intimacy.I don't know anything about you so my opinion has no weight. But if this were to happen to me I'd start thinking that my wife may have fallen out of love with me. I wouldn't doubt her love, however, or her devotion to our family. There are different kinds of love. And I am writing this as a woman putting myself in you shoes. Unlike men who can continue to perform in bed with wives they are not longer attracted to or in love with (and even when they have other women), women are different. Sex is not just sex for us, there is always emotion involved.Maybe she doesn't know what to do with the realization that she doesn't feel the way she did about you any more.Maybe she is afraid od leaving and breaking up the family. Maybe she has no means to. If that's the case, no wonder she won't try any herbs. There's no cure for that.Women get a mid-life crisis as well, but in their case it is more of an existential crisis than chasing their youth and other men. They evaluate their lives and face the facts.Maybe she feels trapped in a loveless marriage, but since she is the one who fell out of love, maybe she is blaming herself.Now to get back to the few times you had sex. It sounds to me that she was just going through the motions to make you come as soon as possible. Foreplay prolongs the love-making and that's something she doesn't like.Also, are you sure that she has ever fully enjoyed sex. I mean had an orgasm on regular basis. Many women of certain generation do not learn how to orgasm with a partner, but that doesn't mean that they cannot mastrubate and reach a climax. At some point, usually after the birth of a child, they lose interest in having sex with someone, especially if they are not emotionally invested anymore.To sum up, your porblem is not the lack of sex, but teh lack of intimacy. We went through a period when my husband wo so stressed that we wouldn't have sex for weeks (sorry I know it's nowhere near your problem). H ehad troubles with erection, but, we were in this together. That didn't prevent us from kissing, hugging, snuggling and sometimes him going down on me.I would reassure my partner that whatever the problem is it is not the end of teh world and that we could talk about it, ecen if it means separating. I some cases this can be a happy-ending for everybody.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 January 2016):
 Sex is a need in a relationship to keep it alive, if you are being neglected well then off course you are going to be frustrated. Four years is a long time and it sounds to me like the spark is just not there anymore between you both. If she refuses to seek help or even try well then I suggest that maybe this relationship is over.
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A
female
reader, SmartiePants007  +, writes (7 January 2016):
There is nothing wrong with feeling frustrated in a situation like this. Sex is a very important and pleasurable part of being in a relationship. I think seeking help with her by seeing a marriage counsellor together may help your wife overcome her disinterest in sex. Don't force her to seek help alone, she needs you by her side. She is probably ashamed of the fact that she has lost her libido, so you need to be sensitive and patient. Don't give up on her or your relationship quite yet. Do everything in your power to overcome this before you throw in the red flag.
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