A
female
age
18-21,
*ep-bee
writes:Reading through pages and pages of questions on dating, love and marriage i just see the huge amount relating to affairs (both mentally and physically), being in love with someone whilst married (perhaps even with children), obsessing over a married person, divorce...etc. the list continues..and it makes we wonder, if i think i genuinly feel that i love a person and he feels the same, what is the point in jeapodising a perfectly good realtionship in order to get married as it only seems to cause problems rather than being some sort of natural next step that strengthens the relationship.in short, Why Marriage?and in a related matter, how is it possible for people to be married, maybe multiple times and claim to be 'in love' with their partners and then to suddenly 'finding their soulmate'?im very sceptical about this idea of soulmate..marriage..and even the notion of 'true love' frankly. i know im being super pessimistic right now but after multiple failed realtionships im begining to question this innate quest to 'find our other half', which as most people on this site im sure will agree, leads to so much confusion and heartache.please help me out of this love-less mind frame!
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affair, divorce, soulmate Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  + ♥, writes (20 October 2009):
 And, of course, we've forgotten to mention the legal benefits. This is a big part of why the gay & lesbian community hate this whole, "well, you can have a commitment ceremony, so why are you so upset that you can't be legally married?" - well, because married people get government benefits and rights to each other.
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/article-30190.html
This lists everything. Another good list for "why marriage?", though I in NO WAY, SHAPE or FORM think that anybody should get married just for the benefits!!!!
A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (20 October 2009):
 I tell you what is in my head bout this.
I believe of Love. True love is real.
If you love someone and that someone love you too
the way you love him, everything is all behind.
When im in love i dont even think further, i just enjoy the every seconds of time that we are together, and i really feel it from the bottom of my soul. and it feels like i am in heaven.its not all about sex its all about everything, every seconds of our life.
Marriage! yes that's real big question.
Why marriage? for a woman is sometimes simple.
its about signing papers that i can have his name, that i can up one of my eye brow and i can simply say hey" i am married and im not his mistress or something.
it is also sometimes about not to be alone in the end thats one thing. some case is also because of children, some woman dont wanna have a bastard child so she need to be married to the father of her child. there is a lot big question in this earth that still no one really knows the right answer.
but what about this. Just go with the flow, live the life of now, make it better stay healthy i think thats the above of all of this.
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A
female
reader, satindesire +, writes (19 October 2009):
 Male anon below: This is to you.
You bring up SUCH A GOOD POINT, my man!
You said: "I also don't know why other people are comfortable being in committed long-term relationships for years on end, but they get terrified when the subject of marriage gets brought up. They're already married in everything but the paperwork sense of it. Some of these people even have several kids with their partner but they somehow view marriage as a step they're not ready for. WTF?!?"
Yeah, like seriously, WTF!? I have always wondered that. I always assume that they are always terrified of losing half their material possessions if they get divorced. I mean, let's face it, if you break up with your girlfriend, you don't have to give her your car or house. But if you break up with your wife, sometimes you DO have to give her your car or house.
But to me, those people SUCK, because they value those material things more than that person, in secret.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): Marriage is basically when you throw a very expensive party and sign some govt paperwork. If the relationship sucks before the marriage then it's gonna suck afterwards. I don't know why some people think getting married will fix a broken relationship.
I also don't know why other people are comfortable being in committed long-term relationships for years on end, but they get terrified when the subject of marriage gets brought up. They're already married in everything but the paperwork sense of it. Some of these people even have several kids with their partner but they somehow view marriage as a step they're not ready for. WTF?!?
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A
female
reader, satindesire +, writes (19 October 2009):
The only difference in my relationship with my husband after we got married was the fact that we signed a little paper saying I got his last name. That's it.
The thing of it is, honey, a lot of people get married, or have kids, thinking that it will "FIX" their failing relationship. They don't want to do the hard thing and actually work out their problems. And a lot of people will stay with someone knowing that they aren't the right person for them, just because they'd rather not be alone. Sometimes they feel like they can't leave, because they've gotten used to a two-income lifestyle and don't want to cut back on luxuries, so they stay miserable for the sake of material posessions.
Here's the deal: THOSE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY. They'd rather be unhappy than do the hard thing, which is be brave enough to not settle for less than absolute perfection.
I drove my parents and friends up the wall because I was never satisfied with my relationships. "He's rich, so what if he cheats on you?" "He's so cute and funny, if you two never have sex, what's the big deal?" I would never allow myself to settle for a bad relationship, so I kept trying over and over again. Everyone told me that "true love" wasn't really real, that it was just the kind of crap you hear about in movies. But let me tell you the truth...and this is coming from a person in THAT kind of relationship...TRUE LOVE IS REAL.
You just have to not settle for less until you find it.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia + ♥, writes (19 October 2009):
Ask Oldersister & CaringGuy are dead on. My view of marriage is that people lack the commitment to work at a relationship. They expect it to feel like violins, fireworks and cupcakes forever and when it starts to slow down or lose it's spark, they give up or go elsewhere to get that excitement again. And when you see all these married, and miserable people it's pretty easy to feel negative. (Especially after a slew of crappy relationships...)
So when you go into a relationship, it's important not to go to quickly. It's important to build a friendship with your significant other and actually LIKE them, because there are times when the love is strained and you have to fall back on the fact that you generally like each other and want the best for the other. So, you work at building the love back to the fireworks, musical numbers and scented candles.
Marriage, like anything, takes work. And it takes finding a pretty great person who is dedicated enough to make a marriage work. As Oldersister says, "You are going to just have to find someone that has the character, values, and maturity to place a commitment above all else, including his individual needs." - couldn't have said it better.
Keep hope alive and don't "settle". You're worth finding a great person who you just love being with.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (19 October 2009):
 You are actually right. True love and soulmates and finding your better half all kind of indicate a person that has a huge void looking to be filled. These people often seek external attention or become breeders at a young age, marry very young (before 25), have multiple marriages in order to find this source of unconditional love and it usually backfires in the form of affairs or destroyed relationships.
Commitment isn't so romantic because it takes work, it takes more than just romantic love. People often think endorphines are going to carry them through the rest of their relationship and when the passion isn't as intense, they believe they've fallen out of love and seek that love and attention outside their relationsip. These are adults that expect unconditional love from another person instead of a higher power and think they are entitled to it just as they were when they were children. They haven't grown up emotionally and there's lots of people like this- they don't want to be alone either.
You are going to just have to find someone that has the character, values, and maturity to place a commitment above all else, including his individual needs. That's what it takes, a commitment beyond yourself that you honor even though you may not feel like it or not in the mood. That's why they say love is an action. You make a choice to love that person and you act accordingly, regardless of whatever you may feel in the moment. This is the only way to have a healthy relationship and one that will endure. Until you find this, you are right, there is no point.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  + ♥, writes (19 October 2009):
All your comments have great points. The thing is, a lot of married couples, or couples who cheat usually aren't happy, or the relationship is failing. When you find someone you like, take your time getting to know them. When you're in a relationship, spend time on each other and make sure you both know you're loved. Hopefully, if you work hard at your relationship, it'll last.
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