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Why is my husband stingy with me?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 April 2009) 15 Answers - (Newest, 8 August 2014)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am married in about a year already. I am in a totaly new place and have known only a couple of friends. I had a job before but I quit when I got married and relocate to my husbands place. I had no jog for almost 8 mos, and now I just started a par-time job which only pays me 7.25 an hour.

My husband is already an established man I mean he got a job for a long time, and saved enough. He's a divorced man with a 21 year old daugther like 8 years younger than me. My husband is 52 and Im 29. I can see that he's very generous to her daugther, he buys good stuff for her, expensive purses, clothes, shoes, even car. He even is the one who pays his daugther's bills like phone, cable,etc. Many times she wrecked her car and he's the one who fixed it in his own expense. I am not against it in fact I am all the way supporting him whatever he wants to do for his daughter.

But in the other side, I feel left alone. He don't want to buy me anything and even gets mad when I tell him what I wanted to have.

There's a lot of things I wanna do. I like I wanna change his only 10 years old curtain, decorate the house, buying some flower arrangements or wall decorations, having a new grass on the yard and make a flower garden. and of course I like what every normal women does, goes to shopping,. I'm not asking to shop every week or everyday. Even just once a motn or whenever my stuffs is already old. I don't care if it's on sale or cheap as long as I like it and I look good and comfi. I told my husband everything and all his answer is"go make some money for that" or " you buy you clothes or shoes for you" "If you want to do something in the house go find a job and make some money for that."

It realy struck my heart in pain. As if Im nobody to him. Am I being so selfish? Every especial occasions he never do anything. It's always me who acts first. Though he responded it, like when I buy him card and cake for our anniversary, then he will buy a card for me in the evening. It doesn't really make me feel special or anything. I can't see any effort of love from him. I am very hurt everyday.

I have cousins all around the state, and I only have one friend that I constantly seeing. And began to stop seeing her for I only just feel self- pitty everytime Im with her. For she's got everything that I wanted to have. She's been very provided with her husband. So with my other cousins and friends.

It is very hard for me to accept nor to bear this situation. I was on top of everyone else before I got married. and now I feel like Im very poor. And very down. I did't remember that I was bashful before to be punish today. Is there anything wrong with me?

Like I cook himm breakfast everyday, do his laundry, clean the house I feel like I do everything to make him happy with me, but it seems like he doesnt recognizes it. Or maybe it's not that enough for him?

I do everything he wants me to do whenever we have sex. Even if sometimes I am not satified I still do my best to make him satisfied in bed.

And another thing , when I ask him to buy something whe have to argue first before he gives and then later on he will let me pay for that. Sometimes he offer things but when he get's mad he will ask for a payment for that.

And now, I begin to regret of my decision of marrying him. Everyday I wake up, I always feel unhappy and uncontented.

Anybody help me enlightend my mind? I don't know what to do now. I don't know what's wrong with me or what's not in me that other people have?

Please help.

View related questions: anniversary, cheap, cousin, divorce, money

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014):

OMG it's so nice to come to this site and feel less alone.

I can't believe I was so STUPID to marry husband. We only dated a short time. He would do everything for me - workout with me every morning, saying he wanted to get in shape. since i used to be big, i really liked the idea of us getting fit together. now, he won't budge off his ass. i work out a lot all alone. i know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is. it's annoying to me that he's not taking care of himself.

then, he used to take me to coffee EVERYDAY. now, since we wed, he's taken me like 5 times in almost 6 months.

he used to take me to dinners. now, he never does.

there's no food in this house. we've fought about it time and time again. he only buys food for himself that i dont eat. he eats very unhealthy, gross food.

he wont ever help me clean. he expects me to do all of that...

but what does he do for me? like, absolutely nothing. the only time he comes around is when he wants to have sex with me, make out and waste my time in other ways.

he feels most attracted to me when i'm trying to get stuff done, and his huge arms ripping me around to make out or whatver really irritates me.

i wasn't irritated by it before because he treated me like i was his princess. now he treats me like crap.

i can't stand this stupid marriage. i was stupid, stupid, stupid for marrying him.

i HATE being nickle and dimed to flippin death. why should i have to go without food? like, tonight, theres nothing here for me to eat so i made some noodles, added mrs. dash seasonings, onions and peppers and ate it. it tasted like not very good. it's obviously like, "im broke" food.

i complained to him bc he bought himself dinner and i asked for a bite and said, "i'm hungry" and he was like, holding it out of my reach and said, 'only if you give me a kiss." and begrudgingly let me eat some.

i'm so sick of it. i've never felt this crappy in my life. i hate how he treats me and it's time to divorce.

i'm so annoyed i got married! i can't stand frugal guys! and i CANNOT WAIT until i have the means to leave him!!!!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014):

Run don't look back it will get much worse your

Young enough to start over please believe

Me it will not get better

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A female reader, M R United States +, writes (22 May 2014):

I've been married for almost 39 years and I can

Tell you this RUN as fast as you can get out

Of there he will never change to this day I

Still have to ask for every dime . My father

Died and left me a million dollars in property

My not so loving husband sold off everything

And used the money for his self. I still have

No house no money I am sad unhappy

Wish I was never born. I wish I could start

Over but it's to late for me but not you

Please take my advise and RUN leave

Now he will not change he's a cheap

#€%=*^. RUN now don't look back

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A female reader, Nenny Indonesia +, writes (6 December 2012):

Hi Dear, I am really sad to read your story on your husband's character. Many people have bad character because they don't know the regulations. When two people get married both husband and wife have rights and obligations to perform. In general wife is not obliged to get income although if she does that would also be fine. On the other hand, husband is obliged to get income for the family, the priority wife, children, parents and parents in -law in fair manner. Wife has the right to know and handle all income and expenses of a husband in cooperative way. When it come to contribute to parents it must be based on both discussion.

When husband pays or contributes outside the priority lists, he must inform his wife. If he doesn't inform his wife, he has violated wife's rights. Because all of the income during marriage is the income for both of husband and wife.

Husband receive obligations of his wife such as sexual relationship, taking care of children, taking care of household etc. that he would never be able to pay if this obligation comes from his maid, friend, or just a whore.

Unless a woman cannot spend wisely, than husband can take the control, but not in a stingy way.

Husband must give before asked by his wife. A good provider give first without being asked.

Stingy is one of bad character, because a person never really trust God.

Is all that I can share

Regards,

Nenny

Note: hope you can bring awareness to your husband. If you are happy you pray for him, he would make more money.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hello everyone. It's been a long time since I visited this site. Things are getting better for me and my husband.

I started out by standing up for myself and has been doing it since the last time I was in this site, and I can say, it works really good. I gained his trust slowly by slowly. If I am rigth I stand up and fight for it. I just realize that it's worth fighting for ourselves especially in this kind of situation. Knowing my right as a person and as a wife made me believe that I deserve to have them. With a LOT of prayers and trust to God, I was able to tacle everything for my marriage. WIth the intervention of the Holy Spirit, it softend my husband's heart and made him change. I do not wish for him to change totally just a heart beat but, his gradual change from bad to good is enough for me. I am still working on it, and hangin in there. It makes me proud of myself and to him. And alwyas be thankful to God for not leaving in the midst of trial.

To all wives that encounter the same trails I had.

Have faith in God, then to yourself, and start standing up for your right. Before, my husband won't even buy me lotion, now, he's the one who keeps on checking up my cabinet and buy me some if Im almost out. Simple things they do that makes us happy is I know what we ever wanted. I wish you all work out with your marriage. Just remember, we all have the right to be happy. And there's always many choices provided for us. Just make sure you pick the right one this time.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011):

Gosh. First, I want to thank you for sharing this here ladies. I feel a lot better knowing that I am not alone in this kind of situation. I am a nurse. In order for me to work here, I need to pass the state board. I don't know how to drive that is why I stay in the house 24/7 under the mercy of the husband.

I had a nice job in the Philippines and I must say that I am not used to this kind of life I am living right now. I buy whatever I need or want because I was earning. My husband promised to take care of me and I gave him my 100% trust. I just realized that I made a wrong decision of giving my all to this relationship. And I start to hate him for treating me like a ****. I can't even buy my conditioner. I can't buy my personal things.

Yes I loved him before but now...uhmmm....I am starting to hate him. I feel unloved. I feel unhappy. Until now I have not told my relatives that we are married because I am ashamed that I married a very stingy husband. I don't know what will happen to me here. I am stranger here. I shall try my best to pass my exam and get out of this miserable situation....

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A female reader, gailelish United States +, writes (18 November 2010):

My husband is stingy,He won't buy food for the house, He took my cell phone my mom and dad got me and broke and wouldnt give it back or help pay the phone bill and He wont buy beds for the kids and I'm fixing to file for a divorce after the first of the year

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hello everyone. It's been a long time since i visit this site. I've been trying to work on my marriage. I tried to voice out what I felt. It was a week ago since I blasted out. You're right it feels good after I said everything that I feel but it's not satisfying feeling coz he just got mad at me and told me why am I jealous to his daugther?. He told me, I'm crazy... of feeling like that.

And now I don't think he's getting better. Or he ever change, even a little better. Coz like what "miserable wife" said I can't like this forever.

I want to get away from him but I don't know what to do for i don't have enough money to spend for our devorce nor enough money to start with. It is just so hard.

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A female reader, miserable_housewife United States +, writes (9 June 2009):

Hi! I could relate to your problem. My husband is so stingy too, but he is also stingy with himself and to his 21-year-old daughter. I am 33 years old married to a 48-year-old man. I used to be very independent and has a better lifestyle until I got married. I have to stop working after I gave birth to take care of my son who is now 2 years old. My husband goes to work and he's gone most of the day. There are time that he doesn't buy groceries for 3 weeks and our refrigerator is almost empty. We only have peanut butter and jelly, bread, and cereal. He eats his lunch at work and brings his leftover home for dinner. Or sometimes, he just eats a sandwich for dinner. I have to remind him over and over that we need to buy food ( We're not poor. He is earning at least $55K/year).

When we just got married, I understood that money was tight because he has to pay back child support and we're renting an expensive house. Now, we're able to purchase a furclosed house and our mortgage is lower than what we used to pay for rent. Thus, we should have extra money. I never asked for vacations or trips coz I know that would be unreasonable. I would be happy to go to fairs and spend around $40-$50 to have fun. But he is so stingy, he doesn't want to pay for parking and we have to walk half an hour because we park so far. When we were in the fair, he's going to buy a sandwich and soda for himself and we have share.

I am getting depressed. I don't want to live this kind of lifestyle. I am feeling so deprived and unloved. I am currently taking an online course as a medical transcriptionist so I can take care of my son and work at home at the same time. I don't understand why I ended up with a selfish person when I am very giving and generous to others. I hope I can get my husband to change.

Anyway, I hope that you read this post and there's a way for us to get in touch.

Take care,

Miserable_housewife

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009):

Hi there brace yourself, you have a friend here facing the exact same problem. Somtimes I feel that maybe we can I am feeling low with resentment too..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009):

If this goes on, you will find yourself depleted of all of your feelings of self worth. Although, it sounds like this has already happened. This situation is wrong, feeling like the hired help is definately not right, what ever happened to marriage being teamwork and sharing everything? Im sorry but your husband sounds like an absolute pig!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks Gina, I greatly appreciate this. Your messages gives me strenght and guidance as I didn't realy know what else to do. Atleast now I am enlightened by your words. THANKS FOR THIS SITE.

I will try to work on this though I know this is very hard for me. I will try my very best to voice out.

You are right Gina, I am afraid of him raising his voice for I am not use to it.Before when there's conflict or problems at home we hadled in the living room and talk about it so calmly. Now, that I have my own family, it's totaly different.

I will keep in touch whatever the outcome will be.

Thanks again

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you very much everyone who responded my messages. I am very delighted to hear different opinions and it does make me feel better. a million thanks to you all.

I kknow that some thinks that I married an old man because of his money which is usually happens nowadays but I am not like that. I love him and I thought he loves me too. Or maybe I expect too much from him. I grew up from a decent family and everyone in the family are educated and professionals.

Or maybe you are right BFN that first year of marriage is very tough. I need to adjust and accept what he is.

All I need is he would recognize my needs also. ANd you are right Gina I feel nothing but a hired help. He was not like that before we got married. And he also knows that we have one househelp in my parents house.

And when he goes home and the house is a little messy he gets on to me and questioning me what have I done all day that I did'nt clean the house? Or yell at me for I didn't clean it right. I grew up with a househelp or nany with me but my parents tought us doing house chores and not to depend all the time to the househelper. Me and my sister had an assignment to do everyday.

We treat our househelp like our family member. And when I got married my life realy turns out upside down. Cleaning the house, cook him food is my pleasure - I do it for him.

I just need appreciation.

I tried to open up to him but it turns out a very big fight for he really reacted so bad. And I also told him one time about spending too much for her daughter that's why he could no longer afford anything for me. But he defend his daughter so much and just resulted to another fight. Her daughter also make good money, stayed in a fancy apartment and has a high standard way of living.

I am not against him spending for his daugther but i just hope he does'nt forget that he has a wife also. I just don't know how to talk to him wihtout yelling or having a big fight.

And maybe I have to get a job that pays good XX as you said. But even in my part time job right now he accounts my money and how much i took home and wants me to help pay the bills. And when he saw me bringing home a cheap blouse, he gets unto me that I spend my money for me alone.I don't feel like a have freedom. I am just realy doom right now. And I am realy seeking some advices.

And when he takes me out for dinner, he's the one who order food for me which sometimes I don't like but I don't want to argue in public so I just eat it.

Anyway thanks for the response.

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (20 April 2009):

TELLULAH agony auntOK, right well I have another veiw on this.

You are 29 and he is in his 50's! is it at all possible that he thinks you married him for his money, and that you just want to lay around all day and not work? (I am not saying this is true by the way) but is it a possibility.

Maybe if you got a full time job that paid more, you could treat yourself. And I agree with the others that you are doing to much for him.

Its hard to look at your friends and relatives and see how well they are being treated, but not everyone is that lucky. Unfortunatly you picked one that is not so generous.

I would definately try to get some independance by getting a better job, then maybe he will realise he risks losing you and it will buck his ideas up.

XX

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A female reader, Country Woman United Kingdom +, writes (20 April 2009):

Country Woman agony auntI totally agree with what Ginalolabridga has said.

I have 3 nieces, 2 who will be 20 in July and one who will be 17 in May, all of them are working - even the almost 17 year old has a part time job whilst at college so they try not to sponge off their mum. OK my sister divorced my ex brother in law but whilst she supports her children she does not pay for everything for them. It teaches them nothing.

I used to have a part time job whilst I was at college at 17. Does his daughter work at all?

I think you are doing too much for him, if you pulled back on things and also talk to him about how you feel he may see sense.

If however, he stays stuck in his ways then you truly need to find out if he does love you and if you still love him. I know they say the first year of marriage is the hardest but when you have a daughter who is no baby draining every penny out of daddy it just isn't right. In the UK father's only pay up until a child is 18 or in further education and it is a set amount paid normally to the mother of that child. However, if she is no longer on the scene then he could pay an agreed amount to his daughter each month if she is not working and not pay money on an ad hoc basis which normally works out dearer.

Seems to me like he wants all his home comforts and for you to support yourself and furnish and decorate the home as well, there needs to be a line drawn in the sand so to speak here. He can't have it all his own way, if you cannot resolve it talking it through between just the two of you then say that you feel you need counselling and NO you can't afford to pay for it as you can see the marriage becoming damaged if something is not rectified as soon as possible.

Does the daughter have anything on daddy, i.e. is their a secret she is keeping for him that he doesn't want anyone to know. It just makes me wonder, that's all.

Keep us posted.

BFN

Country Woman

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