A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am married in about a year already. I am in a totaly new place and have known only a couple of friends. I had a job before but I quit when I got married and relocate to my husbands place. I had no jog for almost 8 mos, and now I just started a par-time job which only pays me 7.25 an hour.My husband is already an established man I mean he got a job for a long time, and saved enough. He's a divorced man with a 21 year old daugther like 8 years younger than me. My husband is 52 and Im 29. I can see that he's very generous to her daugther, he buys good stuff for her, expensive purses, clothes, shoes, even car. He even is the one who pays his daugther's bills like phone, cable,etc. Many times she wrecked her car and he's the one who fixed it in his own expense. I am not against it in fact I am all the way supporting him whatever he wants to do for his daughter.But in the other side, I feel left alone. He don't want to buy me anything and even gets mad when I tell him what I wanted to have. There's a lot of things I wanna do. I like I wanna change his only 10 years old curtain, decorate the house, buying some flower arrangements or wall decorations, having a new grass on the yard and make a flower garden. and of course I like what every normal women does, goes to shopping,. I'm not asking to shop every week or everyday. Even just once a motn or whenever my stuffs is already old. I don't care if it's on sale or cheap as long as I like it and I look good and comfi. I told my husband everything and all his answer is"go make some money for that" or " you buy you clothes or shoes for you" "If you want to do something in the house go find a job and make some money for that."It realy struck my heart in pain. As if Im nobody to him. Am I being so selfish? Every especial occasions he never do anything. It's always me who acts first. Though he responded it, like when I buy him card and cake for our anniversary, then he will buy a card for me in the evening. It doesn't really make me feel special or anything. I can't see any effort of love from him. I am very hurt everyday. I have cousins all around the state, and I only have one friend that I constantly seeing. And began to stop seeing her for I only just feel self- pitty everytime Im with her. For she's got everything that I wanted to have. She's been very provided with her husband. So with my other cousins and friends.It is very hard for me to accept nor to bear this situation. I was on top of everyone else before I got married. and now I feel like Im very poor. And very down. I did't remember that I was bashful before to be punish today. Is there anything wrong with me?Like I cook himm breakfast everyday, do his laundry, clean the house I feel like I do everything to make him happy with me, but it seems like he doesnt recognizes it. Or maybe it's not that enough for him? I do everything he wants me to do whenever we have sex. Even if sometimes I am not satified I still do my best to make him satisfied in bed.And another thing , when I ask him to buy something whe have to argue first before he gives and then later on he will let me pay for that. Sometimes he offer things but when he get's mad he will ask for a payment for that.And now, I begin to regret of my decision of marrying him. Everyday I wake up, I always feel unhappy and uncontented. Anybody help me enlightend my mind? I don't know what to do now. I don't know what's wrong with me or what's not in me that other people have?Please help.
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anniversary, cheap, cousin, divorce, money Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone. It's been a long time since i visit this site. I've been trying to work on my marriage. I tried to voice out what I felt. It was a week ago since I blasted out. You're right it feels good after I said everything that I feel but it's not satisfying feeling coz he just got mad at me and told me why am I jealous to his daugther?. He told me, I'm crazy... of feeling like that.And now I don't think he's getting better. Or he ever change, even a little better. Coz like what "miserable wife" said I can't like this forever. I want to get away from him but I don't know what to do for i don't have enough money to spend for our devorce nor enough money to start with. It is just so hard.
A
female
reader, miserable_housewife +, writes (9 June 2009):
Hi! I could relate to your problem. My husband is so stingy too, but he is also stingy with himself and to his 21-year-old daughter. I am 33 years old married to a 48-year-old man. I used to be very independent and has a better lifestyle until I got married. I have to stop working after I gave birth to take care of my son who is now 2 years old. My husband goes to work and he's gone most of the day. There are time that he doesn't buy groceries for 3 weeks and our refrigerator is almost empty. We only have peanut butter and jelly, bread, and cereal. He eats his lunch at work and brings his leftover home for dinner. Or sometimes, he just eats a sandwich for dinner. I have to remind him over and over that we need to buy food ( We're not poor. He is earning at least $55K/year).
When we just got married, I understood that money was tight because he has to pay back child support and we're renting an expensive house. Now, we're able to purchase a furclosed house and our mortgage is lower than what we used to pay for rent. Thus, we should have extra money. I never asked for vacations or trips coz I know that would be unreasonable. I would be happy to go to fairs and spend around $40-$50 to have fun. But he is so stingy, he doesn't want to pay for parking and we have to walk half an hour because we park so far. When we were in the fair, he's going to buy a sandwich and soda for himself and we have share.
I am getting depressed. I don't want to live this kind of lifestyle. I am feeling so deprived and unloved. I am currently taking an online course as a medical transcriptionist so I can take care of my son and work at home at the same time. I don't understand why I ended up with a selfish person when I am very giving and generous to others. I hope I can get my husband to change.
Anyway, I hope that you read this post and there's a way for us to get in touch.
Take care,
Miserable_housewife
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Hi there brace yourself, you have a friend here facing the exact same problem. Somtimes I feel that maybe we can I am feeling low with resentment too..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): If this goes on, you will find yourself depleted of all of your feelings of self worth. Although, it sounds like this has already happened. This situation is wrong, feeling like the hired help is definately not right, what ever happened to marriage being teamwork and sharing everything? Im sorry but your husband sounds like an absolute pig!
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (22 April 2009):
 Your welcome and remember you have a voice use it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Gina, I greatly appreciate this. Your messages gives me strenght and guidance as I didn't realy know what else to do. Atleast now I am enlightened by your words. THANKS FOR THIS SITE.
I will try to work on this though I know this is very hard for me. I will try my very best to voice out.
You are right Gina, I am afraid of him raising his voice for I am not use to it.Before when there's conflict or problems at home we hadled in the living room and talk about it so calmly. Now, that I have my own family, it's totaly different.
I will keep in touch whatever the outcome will be.
Thanks again
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (21 April 2009):
His daughter to me is draining him of everything he has to untie her from his apron strings as they say here, if she is earning good money herself and has a high standard of living is daddy helping to fund this cause if he is that is out of order, he is married now and the daughter has to be told to pay her own way now, if he has a problem doing that maybe if you dropped hints here and there that you are not prepared to live like this and would consider leaving for a while do you think he would have a change of heart then?
Because i think he has it all too set he is living his life as if he is still a single dad i feel he has forgotten he got married how he can switch on/off is beyond me but that's what he is doing, he seems to be too giving with the daughter and i like Country Woman wonder if she has a hold over him with something i am not saying she is blackmailing him but sometimes daughter's can be manipulative with their fathers cause they know daddy will provide!
I agree with you it is not a happy way to live and i can't believe he orders you food when eating out! You need to learn to speak up more and i am wondering if a part of you is afraid of him?
You can't live in his shadow he is far too controlling and your walking on eggshells around him not wanting to upset him why?
If you have something to say just calmly say it if he turns it into an argument walk away, and tell him that unless you can resolve these differences your not happy to be with him cause that is the feeling i get, i think if you got the chance you would leave maybe i am wrong here but i can understand if you did cause he is controlling you to the extent you no longer have a say in things without him turning it round to his way again, and that is never going to solve anything he has to listen to you too you have a voice and need to be heard and unless you both learn to talk without arguing and reach some compromise on how your living right now i can't see this situation changing.
You were very privileged to have a housekeeper they are considered a luxury here in some areas and if he knows this he may be trying to get you to change certain ways too, like when he questions if the house is messy and what have you been doing all day? If that is the case then he needs to expect himself to change too i think he sounds a very self centred man who is definitely set in his ways and i wonder how much of Job your going to have to get him to change even a little?
Gina
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much everyone who responded my messages. I am very delighted to hear different opinions and it does make me feel better. a million thanks to you all.
I kknow that some thinks that I married an old man because of his money which is usually happens nowadays but I am not like that. I love him and I thought he loves me too. Or maybe I expect too much from him. I grew up from a decent family and everyone in the family are educated and professionals.
Or maybe you are right BFN that first year of marriage is very tough. I need to adjust and accept what he is.
All I need is he would recognize my needs also. ANd you are right Gina I feel nothing but a hired help. He was not like that before we got married. And he also knows that we have one househelp in my parents house.
And when he goes home and the house is a little messy he gets on to me and questioning me what have I done all day that I did'nt clean the house? Or yell at me for I didn't clean it right. I grew up with a househelp or nany with me but my parents tought us doing house chores and not to depend all the time to the househelper. Me and my sister had an assignment to do everyday.
We treat our househelp like our family member. And when I got married my life realy turns out upside down. Cleaning the house, cook him food is my pleasure - I do it for him.
I just need appreciation.
I tried to open up to him but it turns out a very big fight for he really reacted so bad. And I also told him one time about spending too much for her daughter that's why he could no longer afford anything for me. But he defend his daughter so much and just resulted to another fight. Her daughter also make good money, stayed in a fancy apartment and has a high standard way of living.
I am not against him spending for his daugther but i just hope he does'nt forget that he has a wife also. I just don't know how to talk to him wihtout yelling or having a big fight.
And maybe I have to get a job that pays good XX as you said. But even in my part time job right now he accounts my money and how much i took home and wants me to help pay the bills. And when he saw me bringing home a cheap blouse, he gets unto me that I spend my money for me alone.I don't feel like a have freedom. I am just realy doom right now. And I am realy seeking some advices.
And when he takes me out for dinner, he's the one who order food for me which sometimes I don't like but I don't want to argue in public so I just eat it.
Anyway thanks for the response.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (20 April 2009):
 OK, right well I have another veiw on this.
You are 29 and he is in his 50's! is it at all possible that he thinks you married him for his money, and that you just want to lay around all day and not work? (I am not saying this is true by the way) but is it a possibility.
Maybe if you got a full time job that paid more, you could treat yourself. And I agree with the others that you are doing to much for him.
Its hard to look at your friends and relatives and see how well they are being treated, but not everyone is that lucky. Unfortunatly you picked one that is not so generous.
I would definately try to get some independance by getting a better job, then maybe he will realise he risks losing you and it will buck his ideas up.
XX
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A
female
reader, Country Woman + ♥, writes (20 April 2009):
 I totally agree with what Ginalolabridga has said.
I have 3 nieces, 2 who will be 20 in July and one who will be 17 in May, all of them are working - even the almost 17 year old has a part time job whilst at college so they try not to sponge off their mum. OK my sister divorced my ex brother in law but whilst she supports her children she does not pay for everything for them. It teaches them nothing.
I used to have a part time job whilst I was at college at 17. Does his daughter work at all?
I think you are doing too much for him, if you pulled back on things and also talk to him about how you feel he may see sense.
If however, he stays stuck in his ways then you truly need to find out if he does love you and if you still love him. I know they say the first year of marriage is the hardest but when you have a daughter who is no baby draining every penny out of daddy it just isn't right. In the UK father's only pay up until a child is 18 or in further education and it is a set amount paid normally to the mother of that child. However, if she is no longer on the scene then he could pay an agreed amount to his daughter each month if she is not working and not pay money on an ad hoc basis which normally works out dearer.
Seems to me like he wants all his home comforts and for you to support yourself and furnish and decorate the home as well, there needs to be a line drawn in the sand so to speak here. He can't have it all his own way, if you cannot resolve it talking it through between just the two of you then say that you feel you need counselling and NO you can't afford to pay for it as you can see the marriage becoming damaged if something is not rectified as soon as possible.
Does the daughter have anything on daddy, i.e. is their a secret she is keeping for him that he doesn't want anyone to know. It just makes me wonder, that's all.
Keep us posted.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (20 April 2009):
You have married an older man most probably set in his ways by now and i am thinking you feel nothing more than the hired help?
Was he stingy before you married him or has this just happened since you got wed?
I think he is overdoing it with the daughter to buy her a car seems OTT in my opinion and pay her phone bills he is telling you to get a job to buy things why isn't he telling his daughter the same here i would be questioning that?
It seems all she has to do is snap her fingers and daddy will get! well you ought to remind him because he is spending every last penny on this spoiled daughter that is the reason he can't buy you! or give you any money it is all going on her, and obviously your home and groceries etc: but it would be nice like you say to be treated now and then you are not asking too much here.
Maybe if you let him know you feel more like the hired help rather than a wife he will see it different and have a change of heart! but you need to be pointing out these things to him cause he sounds totally oblivious to anything except the daughter!
Gina
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