A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My ex friend and myself had a falling out afew months ago surrounding the efforts put into the friendship as well as how they were treating me. Now I feel like they are lurking or keeping tabs on me to check to see what I am doing. Our falling out was mainly about how he was treating me like crap, but I should of saw this coming a mile away because he would do that to most of the people he met and told me every he done was to amuse himself by making them behave a particular way. He would manipulate their emotions by trying to make them chase after him (e.g. making himself scarce in most Facebook group conversations and ignore most mentions in group chat - even though he was messaging me every minute throughout that time) and eventually he tried using this on me and I got very angry and upset. Its hard to explain but I know for a fact he was emotionally manipulating people! There are more examples like he tried to create a bad image out of someone to try and make that someone hurt but that is a whole other story!He met a new girl friend who he got particular close to and fake themselves being in a relationship in front of our friends as a joke even though he already had a girlfriend... and this girlfriend didn't even know about this joke with our friends! I attempted to tell him multiple times to be careful and remember what his girlfriend would feel about this because he told me she is easily jealous, but all this nagging (yep.. oops) ended up making him drift away to the other girl.I tried mentioning afew times that I wanted to hang out with him at X or Y place but he said he couldn't because of his work hours which was fair enough, but he ended up going to these places with the other girl at the times I said I could go but he couldn't! By this stage I wasn't happy so I brought it up to him trying to resolve the problem but I got so angry and texted him by saying "Well.. I feel like there hasnt been any effort in messaging me and you always told me to remember my worth". This argument took around 2 weeks because it took him 2 days to respond to each message.I gave up and unfriend him and blocked him on every social media except Facebook because I don't use it much (1 minute per day lol Im a great millennial). He ended up sending me a short message along the lines of "Thanks for everything, I know it wasnt working out between us, hope you take care and I apologise for my mistakes. I still see you as a friend". I was being extremely passive aggressive and sent a message saying "Im sorry I couldnt teach you how to be empathetically intune with other people and hope you learnt from your mistakes. Take care" and he also regarded the same thing.First of all - Yes I was jealous because he spent more time with another friend and no I did not have feelings for him. I cared for him as a friend because I know how hard his life was and how much he puts himself on a negative light and wanted to help him see he COULD be a good person if he used his communication skills for better use. We both have opposing values and ways of valuing people.. I am kind and caring person while he was the opposite.But now he is starting to lurk around again after afew months. We use to play a game together and he left a private message on there saying "Cya around" and started unliking everything on facebook, then turned around and wished me happy birthday. I also kicked him out of our group chat because I was worried he wanted to lurk there too. As far as Im concerned I just wanted him out of my life after he attempted to manipulate me and alot happier without him but I feel like he is lurking around again.Why would he lurk around after our really bad falling out?Thank you Cupid writers! :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2021): As long as anyone has access to your life, they will likely "lurk" and snoop around all your social media platforms; for no better reason than because they're just plain nosy!
If you've blocked him, he can't see you, and you can't see him. Let him lurk until his eyeballs fallout! You're bothered because you want to be bothered, and you miss him. You must be having second-thoughts, that's normal during the process of "detachment." Otherwise, why does it matter he's lurking around, if he can't see you? That's what social media and the internet is for, searching and lurking. If he shows-up at your door uninvited, or pops-up everywhere you go...that's stalking. Too much of that invites police intervention.
Manipulators and narcissists plant seeds that can sit dormant; until they decide they want to fertilize and activate them. He has conditioned you over the course of time to feel he has some sort of control over your feelings; and he intrudes on your privacy to remind you he has access at any given time. He's manipulating you through paranoia (always hovering, or in the shadows); and keeping you on-edge, and leery of his presence. Feeling what you don't see can hurt you.
You've blocked him, now ignore him. It's a mind-game that he's pretty good at. Ignoring things you cannot control is a matter of self-control and self-discipline. Most of the people who come to us for advice usually need to employ impulse-control, or self-control, to gain some power over their own feelings and emotions. If you don't learn how, other people will be more than happy to volunteer for the job. They will hijack your sense of freedom and independence; and make you their emotional-puppet. Most of the time, that's because people won't let-go; and still want to maintain some sort of friendly-connection with people they really need to get out of their lives.
You have to disconnect from those who play mind-games or stir the pot. They need narcissistic supply, and they feed on chaos and pain. They sit and watch, while everyone is stewing in their own juices. Everyone is going at each-other's throats! They create an atmosphere of distrust, paranoia, and pandemonium.
You have to give-up anything, and anyone, that is not good for you. It's tough, because it's "breaking a bad-habit." That's where self-discipline and willpower comes into play. No contact means NO CONTACT!!! Withdrawal from someone "addictive" to our emotions causes us to keep looking back. Wondering if we have the strength to move on. Truth is, you do. You won't know until you test yourself. Wishful-thinking and regret will confuse and tempt you; but willpower must prevail. I always pray and ask God for His help when it comes to breaking-free of people or habits that hurt me.
In simplest terms, he's messing with you. When you cut all ties for good, he loses that psychological-grip; those invisible-strings that seem to maintain a connection. He too, is grappling with your rejection; and his male-pride and ego can't accept it. That's his problem, not yours.
Move on. Don't look back!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 June 2021):
 Just unfriend and block him on Facebook too. and the game you used to play together. (if you can block or ignore his account).
Even if you RARELY use it ... YOU have given him access to needle you and he is doing JUST that. JUST to mess with you, because that is the kind of person he is. And you know it.
He wasn't a good friend. THE END.
CUT all contact and give him ZERO opportunity to contact you or mess with you.
You can't change someone. You can't MAKE someone care. Or become a better person. THIS is who he is. If he changes, it's because he wants to and I don't see that happening anytime soon.
So Be absolutely DONE with him. Don't give him ANY access to contact you in any form or shape. Let him be "dead" to you.
Stap wasting your time on this fella.
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