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Why is he so reluctant to move in together?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 January 2019) 14 Answers - (Newest, 29 January 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend of 18 months is reluctant to move in together. We have discussed it and he has said that he wants to, in the next year. But when I try to talk about it he gets grumpy and seems uninterested and irritated. For example, I had to go home on Sunday to get my stuff ready for work

so I gave him a hug and said, I wish I didn't have to go home, it will be great when we live together and my home will be with you. He replied by huffily saying I know you want to move in, but do you have to talk about it every weekend.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this? I feel like he has got it easy. I always go to his flat because I have a housemate, so most of the week I spend at my boyfriends. It only seems logical to live together. If we are going to continue being together, it's practical to be in thesame home. I am tired of always having to pack my bags to go between 2 houses. My parents are divorced so I had to do it as a kid and I have been doing it for the past almost 2 years.

At first my boyfriend said he had to fulfil his leece agreement, ok, fair enough, but now it's over and he can just give a month's notice, he's unenthusiastic about talking about our options of chosing a place to rent. I just feel.he doesn't appreciate that I basically live in 2 houses and it is frustrating and annoying because I have stuff in 2 places so I forget where stuff is. Just simple things like not having the right shoes when I need them.

We're going on holiday next week so hopefully we can talk about it.

Just in case you wonder, neither of us want kids so there is no pressure or biological clocks involved. I just want to feel like he wants to live with me, to share a life with me. Otherwise, I'm sacrificing my time and energy, planning a future with a man who is not keen.

When we first got together he persued me a lot and he was very keen. Now I'm not so sure anymore. He gets short and snappy when I try to discuss my ideas of the future, of travelling and moving in together.

View related questions: divorce, on holiday

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks guys for the more understanding replies.

Ok, my degree was in art and psychology, also have a postgrad cert in early years teaching. I wanted to be a preschool teacher, but after having done this, I realised that I am never going to earn much money, unless I move to another country. My boyfriend doesnot want to do this.

I have learnt that accounting pays well and there are lots of jobs in my home town. So, as I have chosen to stay in my home town with my boyfriend, for the foreseeable future, my plan is to study and train to be an accountant.

As for the holiday, that has been carefully planned to be as cheap as possible, the flights were cheapest in this month, as it's winter. Also, it was ny dream to live abroad and travel, I gave up on the dream for now, as I think my relationship has long term potential. But I still wish to travel when I can. I have saved for a year for this holiday. It is my first holiday abroad for 5 years. I think I deserve this one.

I am saving as much as I can every month. I have a save to buy bank account. The ball is rolling.

I am not relying on anyone for my future. It just seems silly to me, when in a serious relationship, or at least when you know you are a proper couple and you spend a good chunk of time together, it seems like a waste of money and time, to live apart still, when you've been together nearly 2 years. We're adults now, so why live apart. Like, I don't see the benefit of it. But yeah, I have to respect his wishes. I just am concerned that it is a sign that he isn't really thinking about is being together long term. Like, I was excited to live with him at one point, so it's sad that he thinks of it as a hassle and doesn't enjoy talking about it and planning it. I find it exciting and fun to think about where to live and how nice it will be to not have to pack bags every weekend.

Oh well. I get that things don't always work out ideally. He has said that when my housemate moves out, in 2 or 3 months he will move in my housemates room. I guess I just wanted more enthusiasm or exitement about it, rather than snapping when I made a passing comment. I haven't been talking about it very much.to be fair. I also want him to understand how annoying it can be for me to have to pack bags to go between pur houses. I feel like I'm living out of bags all the time. And I go to his for privacy, as my housemate is almost always home.

Oh well, it is what it is. I will get sorted out one day. I will focus on getting a better paid job and start studying for my accounting exams. The sooner that happens the sooner I'll make good money. Then I will worry less. I am going to stay home more often and start studying. Then if he wants to see me he'll have to make more effort to come to mine or invite me over more or invite me out. I guess if I back off it'll show me how much he does actually want to be with me, depending on whether he says he wants to see me more. And in the meantime, I'll get started on my new, more lucrative career path.

Thanks for your advice. It has helped. :)

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 January 2019):

Honeypie agony auntMake a budget and start saving up. For a house or retirement.

Even on a low paid job you can save some money up. It just means for a while you might have to give up on some luxuries and cut down on non-essentials.

You have a degree, but in what? What kind of job COULD you be doing using that degree? What kind of jobs are you interested in? Are there some evening classes you can take to make you more "marketable" for a better paid job?

Instead of trying to RELY on someone else to make life EASIER financially (potentially) for you - figure out how YOU can do this on your own.

I get that vacations are NICE, but if you had saved that money up you would already be ahead in your savings.

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A female reader, ClairM United Kingdom + , writes (28 January 2019):

Okay so you have explained further and i can see your point and now you have said you love him.

The thing is in my opinion people are always keener at the start and talk more about the future and what could be. Eighteen months in he hasn't many reasons it seems to change his plans.

Also if you are actually telling him it is about money etc it does sound like a business transaction and i assume you haven't said you would rather live alone but want to move in with him as more of convenience?

I get all your reasons but unfortunately you can't make him agree if he doesn't at this present time and maybe he is digging his heels in more because he senses your impatience.

If it comes to it can you not get a mortgage and someone to live in the spare room for extra money? My brother did when he first got a mortgage, he then met his girlfriend and now they live together.

Things don't always work out how we wan't and i can see why you feel let down and disappointed but you are doing great with the desire to move forward, don't give up, where there is a will there is a way.

Best of luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Ok. I understand the universe doesn't always give you what you want, I realise that now. Things have gone wrong in my life and I am very worried about my future because I am almost 35, I don't have a pension started and I work in a minimum wage job despite having gone to University and got a 2:1. I have been scratching my head to work out how I am going to make more money so that I can ever afford a house and a pension scheme. If I don't think about these things now, no one else will and I will end up in poverty or working until I die. I'm sorry this is not a romantic topic and I am sorry it is not taking life as it comes and accepting everything graciously. But I have been shafted by life and by previous boyfriends in the past.

Therefore, as much as I do love my boyfriend and respect his wishes, I also HAVE to respect myself and my needs in life. I am focused on money right now because I have to be. I wasn't focused on it in the past so I have made mistakes. I have worked in elderly care and childcare as a career and have sacrificed my own self care to do this. Now I am changing paths to improve my own life situation. I want a partner who supports me and wants to be by my side.

I can understand that my boyfriend isn't worried about moving in. He gets a nice, bug work pension. They pay in money for him. I'm on minimum wage with no sick pay, nothing. I'm sick of working my ass off to care for other people when they don't care for me.

I'm sorry I am worried about the future, I am. I wish I could take life as it come and afford to pay the rent for my own place and not have to share and we take turns to go to each others houses. But I can't afford to. I am barely saving money now. I had an option to move away and make more income that way but I stayed because I DO love this man. I HAVE made compromises on my life FOR him.

Moving in would save him more money than me, I might not even save money from. It as my rent is already low from sharing now. But he doesn't seem bothered about saving money. Probably because he has a pension already.

Right. I'm going to drop the moving in together plan. I'm just going to gocus my time and energy on studying accounting and getting a trainee job and improving my own financial situation that way. I'm done with childcare. I don't even want to do it in another country for twice the wages anymore. I just want a job that pays me fairly in my own country, so that one day I can buy my own house.

Ultimately the only person I can truly depend on is myself, so I have got to love myself first. I don't care if you don't like me anonymous male. I've not given ultimatums, just told him where my head is at and how sharing a home would benefit us noth. He would save £300 per month. He hasn't even said no, he wants to move in in the future. He's still with me. I just feel sad that he is not excited about the idea, as I was. Hense why I am doubting his feelings for me and if he's not keen I'll take it on the chin I'd just rather know sooner than another year down the line when I have changed my life plans to be with him. And I know I am not sounding like the most fun girl to be with but I am not always like this, I can be fun, I am just stressed and tired of being taken for a fool by many people.

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A female reader, ClairM United Kingdom + , writes (26 January 2019):

If that is how you put it across to him i can see why he wouldn't be so keen. You are basically saying you want to move in simply to have more money for a mortgage, what about because you love him and it is the next natural move? You don't even state you really want to live with him, you would sooner live alone so do you honestly think moving in together will work harmoniously?

It is all about what you want and if all you do is talk about it constantly he is going to get sick of it, he doesn't want to feel forced into it and that is what you are trying to do.

And your last comment about him proving he deserves you, a bit big headed, relationships should surely be about give and take and effort on both sides. I always chuckle at people who think they are so great and someone is 'lucky' to have them, the very same people almost always seem to never settle with anyone as it is off putting and i have seen lots of very attractive people alone because of their over inflated ego.

You are defensive with the responses so at the end of the day you will do what you want to do.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2019):

You jumped into defense mode a bit too easily there. You sound a little on the controlling and demanding side, I'm sorry to say.

Yes, you have 'your plan' but the universe doesn't work like that. You have to make some adjustments if you want to share your life with someone else. YOU HAVE TO.

You want him to move in for practical reasons- what is he, a commodity? I assume you've told him that, how do you think that makes him feel? You've belittled him as nothing more than a top up on your income.

I'm not saying you don't have the right to get what you want. But you can't give him ulimatums based solely on your perspective and expect him to fall in line. If I were him, I'd have ended it some time ago.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (25 January 2019):

If he's in his 30's or older, he's pretty comfortable with living apart. It still gives him freedom to come and go as he pleases. It doesn't force him into a domestic situation requiring him to save and prepare for the future like two married-people.

No offense was intended, nobody knows you; and we go by only what you tell us. Cover all bases and see it at all angles! That's how I do it! Only he knows for sure why he won't move-in with you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hmm, interesting replies. Made me feel a bit defensive to be honest.

I do have my own life and I do not spend all my time with him. I have lots of hobbies and other friends.

Wiseowl suggested finances could be an issue. It's not. I am training to be an accountant. I have the potential to earn more than him. I live with a roommate because I want to save up for a mortgage deposit. I have more spare cash and savings than my bf, he is always skint. So no, he shouldn't be worried about money. Also, when and if we do move in we could both save money, as sharing as a couple will be cheaper.

The main reason I want to move in are practical. I do not have a pension. I want to get on the housing ladder asap. My plan before I met him was to move to a country where I can earn double in my previous career path. But now I met him I have made the choice to stay in my home town. Which is why I am training to be an accountant as there are better paying jobs here in accounting.

Also, I just would rather live with him than a housemate. I'd rather live alone too, but I want to get a mortgage deposit before I am 40.

I am too old to play games. Either you want to be with me or you don't. I'm not waiting around for wishy washy guys who aren't sure.

I was happy single. I only gave him a chance because he persued me so much. He used to complain that I didn't spend enough time with him. He was so into me. He still is into me, but I am having doubts. I don't want to be with someone who is not excited to have a life with me and everything that means including making a home and life together.

I like the idea of making him come to me and giving a time limit. I'll see how the holiday goes and aim for 6 months. If things don't pick up, I'll revisit my travel plans. He was very keen and a goid boyfriend and good guy, so I'll give him a bit more time to show me that he deserves me.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019):

honeypie is totally right.

You asked him, he said no. That's that. 18 months isn't that long a time thes days, some people don't move intogether for years. And don't belittle his sense of freedom, having your own place to yourself might mean more to him than you think, for reasons you might not have considered.

He knows that if you have a future together, you will be moving intogether so don't worry about that. Don't push, and take his answer for what they are: his answers. Bring it up again, but make it clear to him that you aren't going to ask to move in together, you just want to know that everything is ok and that, when he's ready, he'll let you know.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019):

Hi

You are doing the EXACT opposite of what you should be doing if you want your boyfriend to start wanting to take things further with you.

You need to employ a little psychology here. Do you remember wanting things you can't have and losing interest in the things that are right under your nose and there for the taking? It's human nature....we are more interested in the things we can't have.

You are being WAY too available. Chasing him around by going over to his whenever it's expected. Pressurising him into doing something that he does not want to do. At least not yet.

Don't mention moving in again!! Forget all about it! Date your boyfriend and enjoy being with him, but start to be a little mysterious, start to get interested in things other than him. Start to live your own life and don't be so dependent on him for your happiness.

He will notice. He will wonder if you are losing interest and if HE is still interested, he will start to pursue you again.

I'm not a great advocate of playing games and I'm not suggesting that you play games, but that you stop focusing all of your attention on to your boyfriend and become more interested in your life. That way, you will kick start his desire to chase you again. If he doesn't, then you have your answer.

It sounds as if he is still into you, but if you carry on the way you are going, you are going to turn him off completely. No-one likes to be pressured into situations that they are not ready for and if you continue to pressure him, by bringing it up all the time, he might leave the relationship to stop the pressure.

I watched one of those 'Batchelor' programmes once, where a rich man has all these women vying for his attention. I found it sick making to watch these women behave in the way they did, but the interesting thing was, and why I am bringing it up, is that the only one he was interested in, was the one who wasn't interested in him. All the others were being artificial and charming and sycophantic towards him and this one woman just went and swam in the pool and ignored him. He ignored all the other women and went and spoke to her. She remained cool and unimpressed and he couldn't get enough of her. He had to chase her and it made it interesting and exciting for him. All the women who draped themselves on a plate held NO interest for him whatsoever.

Do you see what we are all driving at? Stop making him the be all and end all and truly start to find other interests. You will become SO much more interesting and attractive to him. IF you don't, well as I said, you have your answer.

Honeypie once recommended to a poster on this site that she watch a man called Mathew Hussey on YouTube. He gives great coaching advice to women about dating and you might learn a thing or two from him too.

Good luck

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (23 January 2019):

Your boyfriend just wants a girlfriend, not a "live-in girlfriend."

He feels moving you in will crowd him into a closer commitment and you'll start envisioning marriage. I think he's happy under the present arrangements. If you need a a housemate, he might be a little hesitant; because of your financial situation or earning-potential. Can you afford rent and living expenses on your own? If he feels he'll have to carry most of the bills, he may not be that quick to move you in.

I don't think this is a good match. I think he's concerned about finances more than he cares about you. I also think he likes his independence, and having female-companionship when he wants it. If he knows you're thinking marriage and babies; and he's not on the same page, he's not moving you in. He's leaving his options open; and inadvertently leaving you an opening as well.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (23 January 2019):

Ciar agony auntI agree with the others and I would take it a step further and suggest you spend less time in his home.

If he wanted a roommate, he'd have one. If he wanted you to move in, he'd have invited you to by now. He lives alone because he likes his own space and he's getting very little of it.

And it's not doing you any favours. He was interested in you when he had to pursue you, when you seemed to have a life and ambitions that didn't centre around him. Now, you're chasing him, you're always there, and ever predictable. And I'm guessing when you're not there physically, you keep in touch via phone, so he really doesn't get a chance to miss you. You've run out of new things to talk about because you're never apart long enough to do anything new.

I couldn't agree more with the advice to lay off the 'future' and moving in together talk. At this point it's just nagging. You've talked about it so often that even when nothing is said, it's the elephant in the room.

Go and enjoy the vacation. Live in the moment, appreciate what you have and take each day as it comes. Then when you get back, you can set a private deadline by which if you haven't moved in together and no real steps have been taken, you can take that as your answer and start planning your own future.

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A female reader, mystiquek Japan + , writes (22 January 2019):

mystiquek agony auntHe isn't ready and he doesn't want to talk about it but apparently you are making little remarks and "hints" and I'm guessing he feels pressured. Men usually say exactly what they mean and don't beat around the bush like we ladies sometimes assuming that our partner will get the hint. They mean what they say. If he says he isn't ready..then he isn't.

Take honeypie's advice, don't say anything for awhile, let him know that you'd appreciate it if you could take turns going back and forth between each other's houses. Don't make it so easy on him!

Give him a time frame (in that time don't bring the subject up) and see what happens. If he doesn't say anything when time is up, then you have to figure out if this is a deal breaker or not.

I sympathize with you I was once where you are. My guy finally decided he wanted up to move in together and seemed so enthusiastic about it and I thought he truly wanted to do so but we only lasted 18 months after we moved in together. It turned out he really liked his space and even though I tried to work full time and cook clean shop ect...he preferred living alone. It really hurt but we ended things. He just wasn't husband material.

Good luck I hope things turn out the way you want.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (22 January 2019):

Honeypie agony auntBecause he doesn't want to LIVE together yet. He has told you that. And you KEEP hinting at it.

It gets old. It might feel like nagging. Like, you think the more you drop hints and mention it, the sooner it will happen.

And I would ALSO suggest (if your housemates are OK with you having him sleep over) that HE come spend time at yours. DON'T be the only one to make the "move". It's EASY for him to think "this works well with her coming and going" because it DOES (for HIM) and IF you switch it up a little and have HIM make the effort maybe he can SEE in practicality that living together at some point would be easier. If he suggest you come to his for the week-end tell him why don't you come stay with me, I need to organize my closet (or whatnot).

WHAT is the hurry? I SEE the practicality in living together, but you have ONLY been dating a year and a half. For some that is too soon. For him it is.

And IF he doesn't want to talk future, vacations, moving in, then YOU decide HOW long you will want to give this man.

Back off from talking future a while. GIVE him let's say 6 months (that way you have hit the year mark.) NO TALK about moving in, no hinting, no future... See if you STOP bringing it up, if he picks up the slack. LET him do some pursuing again.

ENJOY your vacation, NO "future plan" talks. JUST enjoy him, and the destination. the more you push the more he will want to "resist".

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